Friendly Fire To Be Reclassified

British military officials today bowed down to the wishes of the public and agreed to formally reclassify incidents previously known as "friendly fire". From now on all such occurrences of military death resulting from accidental actions by allies will be referred to in official documents and media dispatches as "killed by some fuckwit".

Friendly FireThe move – which has been universally applauded in the Houses of Parliament and throughout the national press in Britain – comes on the heels of months of intense pressure from concerned groups such as Mothers Against Disingenuous Description Of Things and the Marine Biologists For A Clearer Naming System Please organisation.

Army spokesman Lt Col Charlie Mayo explained that the decision to rename so-called "friendly fire" had been met with stiff resistance by American military leaders.

"Our counterparts in the various wars we’re engaged in across the third world were rather hoping we would adopt their preferred term of ‘passed away in their sleep’ to describe any future accidental bombings, shootings, and runnings-over with tanks of our troops but – its obvious merits in sparing anguish for relatives aside – we ultimately answer to the British people and that is the reason for this new change."

"Killed by some fuckwit" is the latest in a series of high-profile new terms issued by the allied military forces in the last few months after mounting levels of complaints that news of the numerous wars was being deliberately sugar-coated for media consumption.

In February IEDs – which had previously been called "bombs" but had then been renamed during the Iraq conflict to avoid the negative imagery associated with the word – were reclassifed once more as YBEGWs or "yellow-bellied enemy girly weapons".

Similarly, in June an American General in Baghdad admitted that the general reduction in fear initially caused by describing enemy combatants as "terrorists" over the past few years was the primary reason in renaming all foreign fighters as "spider demons".

Author: Mark

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  1. As a veteran I can tell you there is no such thing as friendly fire.

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  2. Ole Blue, as in, the two high caliber rifle rounds lodged just above your spleen never offer to take you out for a few beverages, never call you up just for a little chat about you? Yeah I suppose all fire’s pretty unfriendly if you look at it that way.

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  3. I think it’s unfair on our American colleagues – simply because I’m not sure the word ‘fuckwit’ is used that much there. ‘Cunt’ would have been much more expressive.

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