Flat People

Thanks to the Boston Globe I’ve recently learnt that guard families cope in two dimensions and that’s made me happy. I thought I’d pass on my happy to you. Revel in the joy of knowing that families of national guardsmen and women can now deal with certain facets of life using one whole dimension less than normal people.

Flat Daddy

"Maine National Guard members in Iraq and Afghanistan are never far from the thoughts of their loved ones.

But now, thanks to a popular family-support program, they’re even closer.

Welcome to the ‘Flat Daddy’ and ‘Flat Mommy’ phenomenon, in which life-size cutouts of deployed service members are given by the Maine National Guard to spouses, children, and relatives back home.

The Flat Daddies ride in cars, sit at the dinner table, visit the dentist, and even are brought to confession, according to their significant others on the home front.

‘I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket,’ said Kay Judkins of Caribou, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan. ‘The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I’ve tricked several people by that. They think he’s home again.’"

Oh, Kay, you wheeze!

This sort of coping has its drawbacks. For very young children there will be an inevitable attachment drawn to promotional displays at Blockbusters or cinemas that will cause problems in later life. Further, there’s always the increasingly likely possibility of the actual loved one not being able to return from the tour abroad. Grieving at the loss is one thing; trust me when I say that feeding the 2D replica into a shredder in front of the child only multiplies the trauma.

I’ve got a better way of "coping" with loved ones serving abroad; you take an actual Donald Rumsfeld or a real George W. Bush or a yes that’s the smarmy shit all right Tony Blair – not some cardboard replica – and you pummel it about the face until the hard, white bony bits are as gelatinous as the grey, gooey bits mixed in with the red, viscous bits. Guaranteed 125% More Cope Or Your Money Back!

Of course, substitutes such as these flat parental units have been used for years in various situations. I’ve heard nothing but good things about Fleshlights for example.

So, with dimensionally-deficient duplicates here to stay where else can we expect to see constituents of the compressed community in the near future?

Sporting Events
Injuries and suspensions are commonplace in sports and – most of the time – teams have enough strength in depth to cope with the loss of a player here or there. Sometimes, though, that player is absolutely key to progress. Sounds like a situation for a slender substitute!

Flat Rooney

Manchester United really miss Wayne Rooney when he’s not around, but not anymore thanks to this realistic replacement.

Flat Boxer

Imagine a boxing match cope where one of the contenders didn’t even turn up. The crowd would be furious and a fight would inevitably break out; the last thing anyone would want. Oh, if only there was a way to cope with this situation. There is!

The Real World
Sporting situations are serious but sometimes real world events are just that bit more important. Real world events like this:

Flat Firefighters

When a wildfire strikes it strikes fast and if the response isn’t equally fast then you’ve got yourself a problem. It’s times like these that you need all the bodies you can muster in order to cope with nature’s fury.

Warning: do not lacquer your flat firefighters.

Author: Mark

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  1. yes it is pretty sad when you read that original article. i mean thats really creepy keeping cutouts of moms and dads. i wonder if they have dressed and undressed versions so they can take baths too 🙂

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  2. "dressed and undressed versions so they can take baths too"

    That is too funny!

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  3. So I guess I won’t be ordering a flat Colin Firth, lest I be ridiculed.

    At least I won’t MENTION ordering it. Ahem.

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