As the owner and operator of a number of successful internet dating sites such as South Pole Soulmates and Lonely Hirsute Spaniards I’m often asked for dating advice from those about to embark on their first dates. Over the years I’ve built up quite an impressive list of dos, don’ts, definitely don’ts, and the police will get you if you try thats and I feel that now is the right time to share these dating tips and tricks with you.
It’s tough being a man on a first date. On the one hand you’ve got to show you understand equal rights and respect your date. On the other hand you’ve got to choose where to go, what to do, and pay for it all too without condescending the little lady.
It’s a dating tightrope of high tension for men out there!
- Show her you are paying attention by recording the date on High Definition video.
- Do not throw her pet into the bath with a plugged-in toaster.
- Be chivalrous. Challenge any other man who looks at your date to a duel.
- Wear appropriate attire for the date. The ball-gag is a third date item of clothing.
- Do not talk about your video collection of women’s prison dramas.
- Let your date know that she reminds you of your mummy. If she seems shocked by this tell her all the ways in which you find your mummy pretty.
- Offer to meet in a public place "for your peace of mind" and not "as a condition of my bail".
- Do not discuss your prostate gland.
- Only cover your body in peanut butter if you are sure your date does not have an allergy.
- Maintain eye contact with your date.
- Do not maintain eye contact with your date if you are driving.
- Make her feel like she’s the only other person in the world by calling in an anthrax threat and clearing the area.
- Be strong and confident on your date. PCP is ideal for this.
- Women love honesty so fart, scratch, and pick your nose as much as you would were your date not around.
- Do not conclude the date with "I’d really like to fudge your smunt".
Women need to be demure enough to stimulate their date’s protective gene, yet assertive and confident enough to know how to say "no" convincingly when asked if they’ve lost their virginity, ever had a boyfriend, ever had a bad relationship, or are on their periods.
It’s a dating facade of outright lying for women out there!
- Show an interest in manly activities by reading up about structural engineering and the history of coal-mining.
- Men like to show off their dates and embellish their own statuses so dress like an expensive call girl on an exclusive all-night retainer.
- Have a friend phone you every five minutes to make sure you have not been abducted.
- Do not rub your armpits and sniff your fingers.
- Drop hints that you are bisexual to keep him interested and on his game.
- Make sure your stretch marks are hidden, especially any around the mouth.
- Do not compare the pain of childbirth to that of testicular kicking.
- Develop an immunity to Rohypnol before your date just to be safe.
- Telling him you like sport is okay, but that your fantasy is to be serviced roughly by a rugby team should be kept for further into the relationship.
- Look happy on your date. Opium is ideal for this.
- Men like women to make the first move; just not with the waiter in the bathroom at the restaurant.
- Phrases to avoid in general conversation include: "controlled by regular application of cream", "tell me you love me", "I’ve peed myself", and "it was so huge it almost split me in two".