Fashion tips for girls

Fashion Tip!We’ve got gay men giving clothing and lifestyle advice to straight men. We’ve got odd women with dress senses that make you want to burn them dispensing similar fashion advice to men and women of either sex (and occasionally both). But where are the straight men giving advice to women? I don’t mean the men on construction sites expelling pearls of wisdom such as "You’ve dropped your handbag love!" (Damn you sexual harrassment laws and all the occasionally harmless pestering you’ve ruined! Damn you to hell!) I mean men like me pointing out fashion no-nos to women like the ones you see in the street, or in the supermarket, or under the stairs in the oubliette.

Well, last time I checked, I’m a man like me!

Now, remember: these fashion tips are deadly serious (ignore them and I’ll post a venomous snake through your letterbox armed with a dagger and some cyanide capsules to make absolutely certain) and aren’t just for girls! They’re also for women and ladies and ladyboys and open-minded men who aren’t afraid of getting caught in a lovely, silky pair of quality, high-cut knickers with padded gusset. And that old and confused-yet-determined man who walked through the shopping precinct just the other day in the rain with a manly pullover, a manly shirt, manly shoes, a pretty flowery skirt, and tights. Although I suspect he doesn’t have an internet connection in whatever padded cell he escaped from so this is probably wasted on him. Yeah, forget him.

Shoes

Let’s start with the objects that in the absence of an all-powerful deity do a pretty good job at keeping women quiet and occupied and out of the way of the cable box remote control sensor.

I don’t care how comfortable or uncomfortable they feel, and I don’t care if some F-list celebrity has endorsed them, as I see it these are the "Grade ‘A’ Approved neOnbubble Golden Rules Of Wearing Ladies Shoes":

"Chunky" Shoes
Chunky shoes are those that tend to be "sporty" in appearance, typically with a sole having a uniform thickness of at least four centimetres (I love throwing in metric measurements to confuse Americans) and sometimes reaching stupidly high amounts closer to 1/2640th of a furlong (I love throwing in fractions of inappropriate imperial measurements to confuse everyone). I have no doubt that they have some advantages when worn such as making it harder to knock the owner over but – and women tend to find this important – their general chunkiness adds the appearance of weight to the leg area. This shortens the perceived leg length and squattenifies (I may have made that word up) the girl in question. In summary: chunky shoes equals fat girls.

Heels
If you’re going to wear a shoe with a discernible heel – one over 1% of a rod in length – then there seems to be two types of heel you can choose; stiletto (dainty, sometimes tapered, elegant, always considerably narrower than the width of the shoe) or house-brick (having the same width as the shoe, as graceful in appearance as a concrete apartment block straight out of a 1960s ghetto). Stylish? Or Borg cube? Stetching the line of the body? Or giving the impression that extra support is required to withstand the weight? In summary: no heels, stiletto heels, or you are fat; it’s your choice but choose the last one and risk death by my trained squirrels.

Colour
Let’s take an imaginary woman; she’s wearing a nice sky blue blouse. She’s got it open to her navel exposing a matching bra barely holding in massive breasts with a cleavage that looks like it could grip Excalibur because she’s my imaginary woman. She’s got a tailored pair of suit trousers on in a navy colour. The cut of the suit shows off her child-bearing hips nicely and hugs her athletic backside in a professional-yet-teasing manner. She’s wearing leather, ankle-high boots with a small stiletto heel as she read the previous paragraph. However, she hasn’t read this one yet which is why her footwear is bright red. No! Wrong! Naughty imaginary woman! There’s an imaginary spanking for you later! Match the colour or complement with accessories! It’s just common sense! In summary: bad colour management lowers the quality of man you can attract because on a subconscious level we are repelled by multi-hued explosions.

Soles
This is the Ultimate Shoe Rule. Think of it as the One Shoe Rule that holds a mystical sway over all the others. It binds them and in the darkness finds them, sort of thing. Pretty impressive stuff for a rule. That’s the sort of rule it is. The Ultimate Shoe Rule is … TAKE THE FRICKING STICKERS OFF THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FRICKING SHOES AFTER YOU’VE FRICKING BOUGHT THE FRICKING THINGS. Do you have any idea how annoying it is trying to watch the wiggle of a tight bottom in a tighter miniskirt when you keep getting distracted by the flash-flash-flash of a white, sometimes half-peeled square affixed to the sole of the shoes. It makes me so mad that I am compelled to kill those prostitutes! Compelled! It’s your fault you sticker-leaver-oners! You’re responsible for my atrocities! In summary: take that sticker off, won’t you?

Thongs

Fashion Tip!Some women choose not to wear thongs because of the inherent danger that two falcons will swoop in at the same time from opposite sides having mistaken the thong tops above the bottom and front-bottom for juicy worms, grab hold with their beaks, and fly off to deliver the tasty morsel to a chick instantly severing the unfortunate fashion victim in two up the middle. It’s a very real possibility and it happens more often than the falcon-controlled media lets on. For those who do wear thongs, though, there is an important point to consider: is it at all possible that your buttocks might appreciate some help in defying the gravitational urge to congregate around the backs of your knees? Yes? Then put that thong away.

This will still leave us with a good number of women with pert cheeks in no need of the aid of standard underwear. Good. My inner arse-fetishist is pleased. But (if you’ll excuse the pun) … thongs are great if you want to promenade beside a pool or along a shore. Failing that, wear a thong under your clothing by all means; I just don’t want to see it when you bend over. You may think I do but, really, a string that’s been wedged down your crack for God knows how long is only actually loin-stirring to a certain type of pervert usually. Despite what you’ve read: that ain’t me. You wouldn’t want to see my pants, would you? No. You wouldn’t.

Hipsters

I know that "hipsters" also means people who are cool and groovy and def and almost certainly not spaccy but in this instance I’m referring to those trousers that have no waistband and use only the power of hip-bones to stay up.

Naturally, to wear hipsters you must first have hips. If you do not have hips – say, for example, you haven’t reached puberty due to your age or anorexia delaying it, or you are the victim of a killer whale sliding up the beach and crunching you in half while you were sunbathing because you thought you’d try that new seal-aroma sunblock that George Clooney was advertising – then you should not wear hipsters and can skip this section. A similar rule applies to headless horsemen and balaclavas.

Also, if, when naked, your hips are obscured by your stomach then this is the Fashion God’s way of saying "Hey, hipsters aren’t for everyone but have you ever considered burlap, the miracle material?"

For everyone left there is a very simple rule to follow when wearing hipsters: get a pair that actually fit! It sounds obvious and yet 99% of hipster-wearing girls don’t do it and I can tell just from looking. So, how do I know? What’s the secret to knowing that hipsters are the wrong size? I’ll tell you: if there is a roll of skin over the top of the hipsters – and this rule applies to trousers too; it’s just more noticeable with hipsters – then they are too small. You may have zero body fat. You may have a stomach so flat that it has become home to two-dimensional aliens. But if your hipsters are too small – i.e. too tight – then a roll of skin will hang over and you’ll look overweight. Even though you’re probably malnourished. And the hipsters will probably be putting stress on your pelvic bones making you prone to Disintegrating Womb Syndrome and Knee Clot Cancer Tendrils in later life. I’m not a doctor, though, so don’t quote me on that.

That concludes this brief introduction to fashion tips for girls. In a later article I may explain what’s wrong with your jewellery, where you’re going wrong with your make-up, and explain the difference between subtle perfume aromas and Jesus H. Christ, my eyes are streaming, did someone hit you in the face with an eau de toilette bomb.

Author: Mark

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19 Comments

  1. *removes thong*
    what about commando ?

    Oh and ‘under the stairs in the oubliette’ made me piddle! it’s been awhile, so thanks toots.

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  2. *removes thong*
    what about commando ?

    Only if you’re pert. Are you pert? Can you prove it?

    Oh and ‘under the stairs in the oubliette’ made me piddle! it’s been awhile, so thanks toots.

    A while since you piddled? You liar. I read your blog. You did it just the other day.

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  3. Since when did a man give a fig about what shoes a woman wears? Are you turning gay?

    You’re right about the hipsters though.

    And the other night i got hit with the ‘streaming eyes from the perfume’. But that was from two blokes! Made me choke.

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  4. Anni, those two blokes: was it Joop they were wearing? That stuff should be outlawed by the U.N.

    And no, thanks, I’m not turning gay. I’ve been told that I’m just well-trained.

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  5. My chunky heels and I are weeping now. I hope you’re happy.

    I am, however, in full agreement on the thong issue. I must be nearly, if not more massive, than that chick in the pic, and I wouldn’t even wear those sweats in public, nevermind a thong, for gods sake!!

    I believe it was said in the bible or somewhere:

    ‘Thou shalt not floss where thou hast no semblance of teeth’

    True.

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  6. Do women wear shoes? I thought it was just members of the military. Or is that thongs? National service. That’s the answer.

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  7. The problem is that you’re talking to your virtual woman. Even a male god like me knows that chunky shoes cause less nagging than stiletto heels. As much as I agree with some of your fashion tips, I simply will not hold it against a woman should she choose to be sane, such as wearing appropriate shoes for the occasion. Should the colour of her shoes be a problem to you, at least you could try to be a gentleman and come up with some hard cash for her to compose a nicely matching outfit.

    Obviously, I agree to the thong thing. Unless in a relevant situation, there is no reason anybody should see somebody else’s underware.

    About the baby-blue colours… most women are already innocent enough, it’s more of a promise for personality when she’s wearing strong colours such as black and red. I don’t remember ever having a baby-blue who was truely satisfying between the sheets.

    Personally, I don’t like tank tops with naked belly buttons. That’s ok for teenagers with eating disorders, perhaps — the jury’s still out on that one — but a Real Woman isn’t supposed to look like a stick on sticks… eh… legs. She’s supposed to have curves. And just why would I like to see belly buttons? Perhaps it could be used as an inspect-before-you-buy to proof eating disorders or androgenity, but I don’t find it sexually interesting at all.

    Curves, that’s where it’s at. A woman, of whatever size and age, should (try to) accentuate her curvedness. Hour-glass shape, tits, ass, legs… She should try to look like a woman, with whatever she’s been given. Her cloths should be picked wisely to maximise her figure and female shapes.

    And finally, preferably, she should have long hair. Beautiful, fully coloured (whatever colour, just not pale in-betweens like some people have), pullable hair. I just don’t like those adrogenic half-male types who think that intelligence compensates for appearance and cold behaviour for female sensitivity, ‘weakness’ and need for protection. A man can find intelligence anywhere, in books, conversations with friends, work, … but love, sex and stroking of the male ego can — in most relationships — only come from one woman, so there’s no way he’s going to give in on that just because the woman’s so fuckin’ intelligent, independent, frigid and emotionless.

    Eh… so long hair it is. 😉

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  8. I totally think that mini skirts are fashion but my friends tell me no, what do you think of that?

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  9. I just want you to know that if you want to wear something that others hate dont worry about them you worry about yourself.Hold your head high and smile, they will eventually get the picture! lol!

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  10. Excellent advice Kelly!
    Such Right-on support fe ‘wimmen’ together
    Unfortunately such a statement tends to fall a tincey wincey wee bit flat when research shows, a vitriolic and some what uncharacteristic caustic attack on the Dress and Style of would be icon Jentina by the writer, who is err…Kelly

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  11. ‘yal are dumb!!!!!!!!!

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  12. Nope, did you? I haven’t even talked to her since last Thursday! You don’t know what you’re talking about!!!!

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  13. This site is too stinky ewwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!! who weres thongs?////////////

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  14. i love to wear shirts i look very good in them i am 15 years old and very tan love SKIRTS

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  15. oh my gosh that big girl does not need to be wearing those thongs like that that is totally diturbing

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  16. i really think that certain people can wear certain things.like that "big" lady shouldnt be wearing that! well comeing from me im pretty sure it DOESNT turn any HOTT hunk on!

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  17. i really think that these comments are not usefulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

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  18. Mark, you left out one fashion no-no: the pear-shaped, short-legged woman who wears peg-jeans with *flats*! If there is a fashion combination designed to make a woman look even stumpier and fatter than she already is, that one is it. Ladies, flares and heels are your friends!!

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