And now for the second part of my little preview of some of the entries put forward by Europe’s finest countries (and France (kidding!)) for the Eurovision Song Contest which will be held in Düsseldorf on May 14th.
Representing the United Kingdom is the British pop boyband Blue. And if “British pop boyband” doesn’t fill you with fear then you’re a better man, woman, or it than me. Still, let’s take a look at Blue’s song, I Can, and see how it stacks up against the European competition.
They’re the only country I’m not allowed to vote for since they’re my representatives and that’s just as well because I wouldn’t anyway.
Now, Slovakia’s an odd one. TWiiNS is the name of this set of – brace yourself – twins, Daniela and Veronika. The song is called I’m Still Alive and I would probably describe it as inoffensive, bordering on listenable. The video, however, is quite weird. You have twins. You have twin girls. They’re pretty good looking twin girls if you can get past the huge foreheads. You decide – for reasons unknown – to splice some footage of logging, football, political rallies, rescue efforts, ice hockey, and babies into it all. Why, Slovakia? Why?
Russia tends to do well in the Eurovision Song Contest because of the rampant cronyism prevalent among its Soviet neighbours and the threat of dire retribution by mob lords upon anyone who doesn’t vote for them or who bad-mouths them on the web. Wait… I mean they’ve been producing top quality songs by excellent artists with wide appeal in recent years and it’s ever so nice to have my wife back safe and sound.
Alexej Vorobjov represents Russia this year with a song whose title should guarantee the flaming queens’ vote this time around, Get You.
There are some constants you can rely on with Eurovision, some safe bets you can stake your house on. One of these is that Malta will always put forward a short, fat woman to belt out a Disney song. It’s in their nature. Maltese people: they do like a short, fat, Disney tune. So, it’s no surprise at all to see that this year they’ve sent forward another short, fat woman to belt out an uplifting track from an upcoming Disney movie:
Wait just one Europopping moment there! That’s not a short, fat woman belting out a Disney song at all! There’s something wrong with Malta. Won’t somebody please help Malta? Oh God, think of the Maltese people at this time! No, I’ve checked and they really did it… they really went and picked… something… different! The song is called One Life, it’s performed by Glen Vella, and it just might do fairly well.
Sweden have been very good to the music world, bestowing upon it such great artists as Abba and Abba tribute bands and probably some other good music too, but Abba were especially good.
Sweden have also now added to that list with Popular by Eric Saade. I say “added to that list” but I mean “added to another list marked I Can’t Believe It’s Worse Than Roxette“.
We’ll finish up this preview with a look at Croatia’s song, Celebrate, by Daria Kinzer. It’s not good enough to win but it could capture enough votes from the all-important Besotted With People Who Look Like Celine Dion demographic to finish off the bottom assuming it makes it through to the final.
Which it probably won’t.