Easter Terrorscope

Madame BrianIf you’ve been following neOnbubble since its early days as an HTML page with tables! on the information supercul-de-sac then you need a new hobby but you’ll possibly remember that the Terrorscope was one of the founding fathers of this site producing such memorable occasions as "the time it accurately predicted Tony Blair’s reign of unbridled horror" and "the time its predicted winner of the Grand National’s last vision of Earth turned out to be a vet with a shotgun before the race had started" and "the time I forgot to update it for three months and nobody noticed". Ah, glorious days in a previous century.

This site has been through a few transformations since then – porn site, not porn site, porn site, not porn site -, none of which were ever foreseen by the amazing precognitive powers of the incredible Terrorscope, but that’s no reason not to bring it out of mothballs and resurrect it for a special one-off Easter special. There are plenty of valid reasons; that just isn’t one of them.

Aries The Ram (March 21 – April 19)

Remember how the Son of God died for our sins? Well, keep that in mind when the intruder breaks into your house over this weekend. He’s going to be mentally unhinged and he’s going to commit unspeakable atrocities about your person but, on the plus side, Jesus has already forgiven him. You may even find that you develop a liking for scatology after the upcoming shit- and gore-fest – if you haven’t already – so every cloud and all that! Practice typing with your nose and ask your friends and family to start calling you "Stumpy" now so the abuse from the kids across the street won’t send you spiralling into a suicidal depression.

Lucky Marx Brother: Karl

Taurus The Bull (April 20 – May 20)

Everyone knows that Taureans just love their food and, thanks to a ferociously fast-breeding tapeworm infection you’re going to find you literally can’t get enough of the stuff from Easter Sunday onwards. The weight will simply drop off you in the coming months and any attempts to remove the organism from your internal organs will lead to haemmorhaging and excruciating shocks delivered to your spinal cord. Oh yes, I forgot; it’s an electric tapeworm. Expect your death from malnutrition before the end of the year and start planning your funeral arrangements now to save your family the trouble.

Lucky Mental Illness: Melancholia

Gemini The Twins (May 21 – June 20)

An unexploded World War 2 bomb will fulfill the role it was built for on Saturday morning and one lucky Gemini will be in the vicinity as the shrapnel tears your legs off and sends them into a tree to be eaten by crows. Doctors will be able to attach donated legs belonging to a small child sadly killed in a toxic ice-cream incident leaving you capable of walking but only to the sound of hilarity from passersby. The last laugh will be on them, though, when a rottweiler chases you and, unable to sprint away on your comical appendages, you are torn to pieces in front of their eyes, your blood spatter ruining their clothes.

Lucky Ultimate Fighting Championship Legend: Ken Shamrock

Cancer The Crab (June 21 – July 22)

Friday through to Monday morning sees you come down with a particularly virulent strain of loft zombies. Shuffling, walking into boxes, and the muted sound of "braaaiiinnns" from the attic will keep you awake for most of the weekend but will otherwise do no lasting harm. On your way to work next week you will fall asleep at the wheel and drive over a cliff. If you do not live anywhere near a cliff make sure you have a full tank of petrol as it will be a long trip.

Lucky Luciano Was A: Mobster

Gawd bless ya, ya 'ighness!Leo The Lion (July 23 – August 22)

On Easter Sunday the sleeper cell of dancing ornithologists next door will be accidentally triggered following an inventive curse issued after stubbing your toe against a metal chair leg. You will barricade yourself indoors and hope to sit out the tangoing twitchers but I have seen your death from a telephoto lens thrust through the letterbox as you bend over to pick up some junk mail. Rectalific!

Lucky Irritation: Itchy Armpits

Virgo The Virgin (August 23 – September 22)

You probably thought that your bouts of demonic possession were confined to the memory cells of 1999 but they’re back with a vengeance. You won’t be able to control your actions but will come to no harm during your 48 hours rampaging, gourging, and molesting anything with a pulse; try to remember that demons don’t get out much. By the end of the Summer a new retroactive law will be passed making what you did to the church congregation with the set of traffic lights and nutcrackers punishable by death and you’ll miss Christmas through a court-ordered slow strangulation.

Lucky Eurodisco Song: Patrick Hernandez – Born To Be Alive

Libra The Scales (September 23 – October 21)

You’ll be praising God from the rooftops by the end of Easter Sunday following a weekend overflowing with good fortune; you will win a car in a prize draw, a major (but not the big one this time) lottery win will come your way, you’ll find a wallet packed with unmarked, non-sequential bills, a book from the future listing the results of every football match until 2024 will appear in your bathroom, and that coldsore will clear up. There’s not quite-so-good luck for the man whose rooftop you’re on when his tiles come loose sending you to your death and leaving him facing a manslaughter charge.

Lucky Canadian News Story: Celine Dion Trampled In Mountie Stampede

Frank The Postman (October 22 – October 22)

A meteorite will hit you with such force on Saturday afternoon that only your shoes will remain. Life insurance will refuse to pay out angering your soul to the point where you decide to stay on and haunt the living. Your shoes will be sold to a charity shop to recoup debts owed and will eventually be given away to an overweight, homeless woman called Dirty Brenda. As the only tie to Earth you will spend years in the vicinity of Brenda’s feet competing with her imaginary friends for attention before the footwear finally rots away allowing you to fade away into nothingness and peace.

Lucky Alcoholic Vegetable: Rum-Soaked Carrot

Scorpio The Scorpion (October 23 – November 21)

After lunch on Sunday you will suddenly find yourself surrounded by a swarm of giant bees and run through the house screaming like a girl. If you are a girl then you will run through the house screaming like two girls. Sheltering in a kitchen cupboard you will slowly conclude that the meal was undercooked and that the bees are salmonella-based hallucinations, or that there was some psychotropic compound in the gravy, and that it is highly unlikely that the bees are waiting quietly outside the door as you imagine. The coroner will later be heard to exclaim "Look at all those bee stings! Look! There’s fecking loads of them! Puffed up like a beach ball! Christ! We’ll need a massive coffin!"

Lucky Unlikely Pet: Adolf Hitler’s Fieldmouse ‘Mikey Swizzlesticks’

Sagittarius The Archer (November 22 – December 21)

The skeleton in your family closet will come out on Good Friday. Dealing with a gay skeleton is hard at any time but especially difficult as it is your inner framework that he or she finds irresistible. As misfortune would have it your skeleton feels the same way and proceeds to cast off your muscles, organs, and skin tissue to live a new life without you. You will need to be carried around everywhere in a bucket but can be stowed in the overhead locker on flights and travel for free.

Lucky Curse: Three Nostrils

Martina McBrideCapricorn The Goat (December 22 – January 19)

Satan will have a row with Mrs Satan on Saturday and crash at your place while she calms down. Although initially terrified beyond the capacity to breathe or stop yourself peeing uncontrollably, eventually you and Satan will have a great time conjuring up all the most calorie-filled foods and sweet and highly alcoholic drinks, watching pirate DVDs, and organising new Christian groups to annoy the general population. It’s a tearful but temporary goodbye on Sunday night when your guest leaves and moments later takes you to Hell too to roast on a skewer for all eternity. He is Satan after all.

Lucky Sexual Partner: Donald Rumsfeld

Aquarius The Water Carrier (January 20 – February 17)

Start thinking about Monday as Countdown-To-Ebola-Day and it won’t be such a shock. Rip up any donor cards if you carry them because they don’t tend to take liquified bodyparts as a rule.

Lucky Unreleased J. K. Rowling Book: Harry Potter Undergoes A Botched Gender Transformation

Wang-Chung The Muesli (February 18 – February 18)

In the early hours of Sunday morning you will be woken by a sound in the house. Turning in your bed you will see the silhouette of a large, broad-shouldered man – seven feet tall at least – with a large, square head and a thick bolt through his neck, standing by your bedside table. You will scream "Agh! A Frankingstein!" and will then undergo a lecture from your visitor that he is, in fact, Frankenstein’s monster and that Frankenstein was the name of the doctor who created him. Over a cup of tea the subject of why he is in your bedroom will come up and you will learn that he works for the highest bidder now to pay the electricity bills and a former lover put a hit out on you. Shortly after, your skull is crushed by his enormous strength and your brain leaves a nasty stain on the pillowcase.

Lucky Spider In The Bath: Shelob

Pisces The Fish (February 19 – March 20)

Everyone loves the Easter Bunny with his chocolate eggs, and his warm smile, and his immunity to myxomatosis. Nobody likes that rabbit from The Twilight Zone movie because those teeth and claws and saliva are the stuff of nightmares. No prizes for guessing which one’s going to pop out of the toilet bowl you’re sitting on some time around early evening on Saturday. If it’s any consolation the attack won’t be fatal. Your embarrassment when paramedics arrive and you have to explain about the scary rabbit that bit your bum is though.

Lucky Failed American Sitcom: Don’t Go In The Mexicans’ Apartment!

Author: Mark

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  1. Porn site? When was this a porn site? Must have been before my time…

    *runs away on very short legs, trying to get away from a big black dog*

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