Ear Mite Christmas


‘Twas the week before Christmas,
When all ‘cross the site
Not an author was posting,
Not even Herbert the typewriting ear mite
Who had been employed specifically to keep updates coming while the owner was otherwise distracted with Christmas parties and a metric ton of work and who was also instructed to ensure that any poetry scanned correctly and rhymed and I’m going out on a limb here when I say it’s pretty clear he’s neglecting those duties too.

Ear miteI don’t like freeloaders. Students? Confine them all in a warehouse and make them power turbines with their body heat and angst! Children? Send them down the mines to find pretty jewels for Gems TV! Ear mites? Ear mites! Bloody ear mites!

Still, it’s Christmas; it’s a little chillier (in this hemisphere), the shops are full-to-bursting with single mothers trying to lift presents for their multitudinous offspring, cats are eating tinsel and throwing up on the sofa. All the elements that should make me angrier and yet … there’s something magical in the air. Carbon monoxide poisoning and grannies doused in lavender if I had to hazard a guess but whatever it is it just makes people a little bit cheerier, a tad more tolerant, and a smidgeon less likely to ice pick strangers and I’m no exception. And so I just couldn’t turf out poor, unreliable Herbert; not without looking into some alternative employment for something with his expertise anyway. It’s what little baby Santa would want. So do not shed a tear as you wonder whether a homeless ear mite might be shivering alone into a crab-shaped ice cube under some tramp-soiled mistletoe in some dark alley during this yuletide because I have found Herbert a new home.

Greetings Card Slogan Writer

I first employed that no-good, workshy excuse of an ear mite when I saw some of the fantastic anecdotes he’d scratched into the inner surface of my cat’s ear as he wandered around spreading infection and causing my huge silver tabby to lapse into manic scratching fits while sitting on my lap and digging his claws into my genitals for leverage. That, I thought, is one smart otodectes cynotis. And that, I thought, is one punctured testicle leaking blood into my thigh. And aha! I mentally exclaimed as an afterthought, I shall solve my scrotal suffrage problem and alleviate the upcoming quiet period of posting on my page o’ web by employing said ear mite to entertain both of my regular readers!

So it came to pass that I registered as a public limited company with an employee count of one. Sadly, I was too busy to boss around my underling and the result was a silent site. But that didn’t mean that a large company such as Hallmark couldn’t get the best out of Herbert.

Ear mite card

Ear mite card

Ear mite card

Author: Mark

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8 Comments

  1. Malice, your gift of a McDonalds Arch card is most appreciated, especially at this time of year when I usually run out of sharp-edged objects to hurl at carol singers. Many thanks for that and a Bill O’Reilly-Approved "Happy Holidays" to you and yours.

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  2. I believe the verb you are looking for is "flick". Yes: Flick indeed.

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  3. Santa left me an Ice Pick – Woohoo! :)

    Very Merry Christmas to you btw!

    from me, and a small dog without earmites.

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  4. did you know that males could get yeast infection? jesus z. christ-opher columbus, boy does that thing itch. oh wait, i meant "merry christmas!" and i wish you the best — and when i say "best", i am totally referring to a non-itchy foreskin that doens’t look like a used chewstick.

    oh, and thank you for a great year marc(k)(que)(ch). you have brought many a night’s pleasure to all my fuzzy bits. yes, even that one *wink*

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  5. I’m just going to pretend I didn’t see any of that.

    Happy New Year!!

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  6. Personally, I like the traditional Victorian Christmas cards. The ones with pictures of huge clouds of earmites billowing across rooftops and landing gently on the eyebrows of the little children stuck inside chimney pots.

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  7. Thankyou for the well-wishing from the well-wishers. Please accept my belated returns and associated grovelling apology for lateness of aforesaid reciprocation, such act perpetrated by circumstances beyond my control.

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