Dress Code For Work

In the last decade and a bit I have worked for a grand total of three I.T. companies. It’s because I’m a loyal employee who is happy to work for companies with good people and good working environments and is not interested in career progression or the huge wage increases that can come from jumping from place-to-place every 12 to 18 months. Also: I fear change.

In addition to being companies in the Information Technology sector (a fortuitous happenstance given that I’m a software/web developer and there’s little call for that sort of experience in the fishing industry or on box assembly lines) these companies have shared another trait: none of the companies has required that its employees adhere to a dress code while working.

In very large companies – the sort with vast, open-plan offices perhaps, or maybe those ones with employee cubicles that pop up in movies of the 1980s with stunning regularity – it’s not uncommon for the male workers to follow a dress code of suit jacket and tie and shirt and smart trousers and shiny shoes and maybe pressed underpants and pleated socks and silk vest and I’ve run out of clothes, but the places in which I’ve been employed have been considerably smaller (fewer than thirty employees, all of them) and there has been a far more relaxed attitude to clothing; you have to wear some but after that it’s up to you, unless there’s a meeting with a client.

I like the relaxed attitude to what you can wear at work. It suits me as I have a relaxed body. And mind. I don’t want to have to think about having things ironed or dry-cleaned. I don’t want to choose between the slate grey suit or the charcoal suit or the grey-black suit or the black-grey suit. I don’t want to have to own more than one suit in case there’s a terrifying ketchup disaster one day. Ketchup disasters occur more frequently than you would imagine.

I like my trainers, my jeans, my t-shirt, and my hoodie. I can throw them on and just go work.

In the company where I currently work there are effectively three groups of developers: one group working for one client, one group (where I fit in) working for a number of clients, and the group of pixel monkeys who draw pretty pictures and colour things in and make things look lovely. In a terrifying move on a par with the Nazi’s annexation of Czechoslovakia in 1938 the first group of developers have recently started wearing smart trousers and shirts. This change of dress code has occurred at the behest of that team’s project manager and apparently harbours back to a previously-unenforced company clothing regulation of "collar, no jeans".

If the company tried to implement this dress code upon the rest of us, what would happen? Would I accept it? Would I challenge it? The answer is: I would not accept it and I would challenge it. I fear change, remember, and in addition to being loyal I’m also a complete shit-stirrer given half a chance.

So, following a dress code that stipulates a collar and no jeans means you have to wear smart trousers and a shirt, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? Oh no it doesn’t.

Dress Code - ColumboThe Columbo

Collar? : Yes
Jeans? : No

Named after the crabby detective – although it could just as easily have been named "The Flasher" or "The ‘That Man In The Neighbourhood On The Sex Offenders List’ Look" – all you’ll need for this particular dress code styling is a thin, beige or brown raincoat of the sort worn by Peter Falk in the hit television series.

Oh, just one more thing sir: optional accoutrements include shoes and socks but it’s best to avoid other garments as you’ll want the coat buttoned up at all times, and you’ll appreciate the resulting air flow especially in the summer.

Less so in the winter.


Dress Code - ChavThe Chav

Collar? : Yes
Jeans? : No

Chavs: they’re everywhere. In the streets, on public transport (so I’ve been told), on televisual programming, everywhere. There may even be one in your house right now! You may live with a chav, or you may be a little cloth-eared and aren’t aware that the little buggers are thieving shitehawks with a frightening ability for sneaky skullduggery when the situation calls for it and a penchant for burglarising.

Chavs come in all shapes and sizes and their clothing can vary a little but take some trainers, tracksuit bottoms (the shinier the better), and a Lacoste polo top topped off with a ridiculous cap currently in vogue and as much bling as £50 in Argos will get you, and you’re probably there.


Dress Code - PriestThe Priest

Collar? : Yes
Jeans? : No

Let’s be honest: men like to dress as women. But even in these modern times it’s not the most accepted way of life… unless you’re a priest!

Dressing as a priest checks all the boxes: black is a slimming colour; the light layers of dresses are perfect for any time of the year; possible tax breaks; possible extra "religious holidays" throughout the year; free tea and biscuits from old ladies; general assumption that you’re trustworthy; and, best of all, nobody will want to leave you in the company of children which is win-win whichever way you look at it.


Dress Code - GimpThe Gimp

Collar? : Yes
Jeans? : No

If you want an outfit for work that says to your boss "I am happy to follow where you lead sir, and I will do anything you say sir, and any time you want me to shut up you only have to pull the zipper or insert the ball gag sir" then The Gimp is the uniform for you.

It’s an airy outfit. It’s leather so it’s a stylish outfit. Metal studs and chains scream "modern". Dress as The Gimp and elevate the look of your workplace to a whole new level of chic.

As a special bonus The Gimp outfit will help to make any German clients visiting your company feel right at home. So I imagine.

Author: Mark

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3 Comments

  1. As the best option, I think you should go with "The Gimp". It will make quite the impression.

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  2. Please try to remember that I was raised Catholic: of course The Gimp is the outfit I should go with.

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  3. Of course. The Gimp suit is what The Priest is wearing under his robe and collar. The mask is just a little something kinky, and is apparently to be worn during confessionals.
    "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…"
    "Mmmff – mmmf – mfff!"
    ***ziiiip!
    "Apologies. Confess your sins and be forgiven, my child."

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