Quite often when I’m shopping I fly into a terrible rage in the middle of the aisle and require horse tranquiliser injections stat! in order to prevent me from tearing the heads off Asda employees or swinging old women around by their pendulous breasts until the fabric of their skin gives up and their mammary-free torsos are sent discus-style over the refrigerated food section and into the pizza preparation area. Frequently this is as a result of abysmal staff training that missed out the part about "you move out of the way and let the customer go where they want rather than force them to stop and wait for you to wander through chatting with your colleagues about Sharon’s odd-smelling crotch rash" or the culmination of one-too-many inconsiderate trolley-parking episodes. However, sometimes it’s because of something more baffling and irritating altogether: missing or changed food.
- Cheez-Ums flavoured Pringles: gone.
- Walkers tangy cheese dip: gone.
- Roast chicken and garlic quiche: gone.
- Chicken and sweetcorn pie: gone.
- Pork and egg roll slices: completely changed the taste and texture for a laugh.
- Chicken and mushroom pasties: new snigger "improved" flavour.
As part of my court-ordered rehabilitation process I am required to investigate other foodstuffs that have been withdrawn from sale over the years to prove that it’s not all a conspiracy to wind me up by checking what I buy regularly.
America’s flirtation with all things Armenian in the late 1940s saw that country’s bestselling carbonated drink reach the United States and knock Coke and Pepsi off their pedestals briefly. A pan-European radish blight that tainted supplies was to be the innovative new cola’s downfall however, and it never recovered its position although the drink is still popular in New Mexico.
Pre-Chewed Sunday Roast
In the late 1950s a combination of unhealthy McCarthyist ant-Communist paranoia and post-war wealth which made Americans think they could buy sophistication encouraged Green Giant to start producing pre-chewed meals, canned for freshness. The convenience was a hit with consumers but a scare in 1961 when over a hundred chewers at a factory in Minnesota were struck down by Lyme disease was enough to end the flirtation with mushed food.
Kentucky Fried Rat
A number of urban legends had sprung up by the late 1960s concerning rats gettings into fast food outlets and becoming part of the menu unexpectedly. Never one to miss an opportunity, Kentucky Fried Chicken turned these rumours to their advantage by actively adding rat to the menu. Although the production run of Kentucky Fried Rat was short-lived, because of the prevalence of rodents the KFR remains to this day one of the fast food industry’s most profitable menu items in history.
Sporting tie-ins are usually big business but Kraft’s marketing people’s best efforts only ever saw sales of the NFL-themed Cheesy Helmet perform well in the Wisconsin area leading to the product’s early withdrawal from supermarket shelves by 1973.