The University of Manchester – world renowned world centre of all things prehistoric – recently released a study showing that computer modelling of dinosaurs indicated that Tyrannosaurus Rex was a fast-running creature capable of outrunning a footballer and not a carnivorous beast that only moved using stop-frame actions. Ray Harryhausen: you were wrong my friend.
The study was originally conducted for Sir Alex Ferguson to see if there was any way to improve his team’s recent performances by exploiting DNA trapped in an amber pendant of his wife’s as opposed to dipping further into the transfer market. Manchester United are now expected to sign a T. Rex before the transfer window closes.
For the more scientifically-minded and less football-minded there were a number of other unprovable – and undisprovable – discoveries made during the university’s computer modelling:
- The Velociraptor used the large, retractable claw on its feet for hanging from trees as it suffered from a bad back; the result of many years of failing to bend at the knees properly when picking up eggs.
- The Brachiosaurus coughed a lot.
- The feathers on Archaeopteryx were decorative as the entire species was flamboyantly homosexual.
- Geranosaurus liked to whittle objects from bark.
- The Allosaurus was one of the first punk-goth dinosaurs and the entire species regularly pierced itself in exactly the same manner to mark their individuality and determination not to conform.
- The Diplodocus was actually a carnivore that rolled onto prey crushing them into mush and absorbing their juices through its bright orange fur.
- The spiked thumb of the Iguanodon caused it to blind itself accidentally a lot when removing sleepy dust from its eyes in the morning.
- The Ankylosaurus’ bone-plated hide and formidable clubbed tail rendered it too heavy to move and the adults gradually sank into the soil and suffocated.
- Kotasaurus had a permanent shifty look to it so it wasn’t trusted much by the other dinosaurs.
- The Triceratops’ head shape made it susceptible to high winds and many creatures were blown off mountains to their deaths during extreme sports events.
- The Hadrosaur’s bones expand after death thereby inflating its perceived size in the fossil record. Hadrosaurs were the size of peanuts.
- Stegosaurus had no sense of balance and fell over for no reason. The plates along its back helped to right it.
- Callovosaurus had natural rhythm but was tone deaf.
- Despite its tail, fins, and gills the Icthyosaur could not actually swim and walked along the sea bed, avoiding anemonae where possible because they scared it with their waving arms and such.
- The Rhabdodon had poor circulation and cold feet so nearly always wore socks.
- The Titanosaurus never really liked the late Cretaceous period looking back on it.