Designed By God

God's DesignIf we are to believe the words of many Intelligent Design supporters (formerly Creationists (soon-to-be Intelligent Evolutionists (never-to-be Actual Scientists))) then evolution exists but it’s far too complex to have just simply evolved into said complexity and must have been designed to simply look complex so as to, er, cause arguments because, ahm, it’s fun to annoy scientific people yes? By redefining science to shift away from an observable and measurable basis and towards a "things I thought when I hit my head on the coffee table" basis it is possible for anyone – especially religious anyones who would otherwise struggle to hold down jobs – to label themselves "a scientician", receive funding, write books, and appear on lecture circuits, thereupon to be beswooned by easily-starstruck fundamentalists and power-hungry, small-dicked (sufferers of tiniwilli, to give it the specific medical term) politicians.

Now, proceed to ask an IDiot to speculate what we will evolve into and you’ll undoubtedly run into a problem area for these "brains". You see: either we have now stopped evolving because we are the ultimate goal, the pinnacle of achievement, the perfect beings, or there’s still some growing to do. They would have us believe that far from being merely an adequate form for this environment at this time, we have instead been manipulated through the aeons at a level far too complicated to require proof and we are either the end result or another link on the path to the ultimate prize.

Which leads to more questions: if we’re the ultimate goal then what took the definitely-not-God, oh-no creator so long to reach this point? Couldn’t He or She (just kidding: it’s He) have taken some shortcuts? Couldn’t we have jumped from shrews straight to Homo sapiens or are chimpanzees needed for testing cigarettes? Were the dinosaurs all killed off just so we could run cars because, if not, then it seems pretty cruel to wipe them all out and a significant waste of time in the scheme of things? What happens now that we’ve become perfect and how can you measure it happening since this is a sciency thing after all? If we’re not the ultimate goal then how do – ooh, let’s pick a religion at random here – Christians feel about your firm belief that we and – ooh, let’s pick a name from history at random here – Jesus are not in God’s image, unless God Himself isn’t actually perfect or God was created by the not-God creator as well?

The answer to all those questions is simply: Darwin’s theory of evolution can’t explain everything and my dad is bigger than your dad.

But let’s say that somewhere among the lunatic drivel that spews forth from proponents of ID there is some truth; we were designed by a supreme being, someone who might not be the infallible, omniscient, omnipotent God but then again might be and we’ll assume is. Further, let’s suppose that we are the ultimate design and not at a stage before we start to converge with marsupials because of the usefulness of awesome pouches. Just what, exactly, did God design and should He consider not giving up His day job?

Hair
Our ancestors – apes, chimpanzees, orang utans – have considerable amounts of hair and we have less. Some of us have less than others of us and some of us have more. For instance I’ve seen pictures of some people who would make the Yeti feel naked but that’s what happens when you forget that searching for "bears" in Google can have hirsute and naked repercussions.

  • Eyebrows – designed to convey the emotion of surprise,
  • Pubic hair – designed to prevent misuse of bikinis and Speedos on people who really, really shouldn’t be wearing them,
  • Armpits – designed to aid identification of hippies and German women from distance,
  • Back hair – an abomination put on this planet to test our strength of will against the natural urge to depilate it into oblivion,
  • Head hair – shame of passports past is a powerful humbler,
  • Facial hair – designed to prevent non-missionary position, other-than-procreational sex through the awesome power of stubble burn.

And then we get to nasal hair. What the hell was God thinking? Did nasal hair really get designed or did a moustache expedition become cut off from the lip? What’s that? It stops microbial-sized bad things from being inhaled, traps them, and allows the body’s defences to amass and attack? You mean snot. Which is then trapped in the nasal hair. That’s the best design the ultimate designer could come up with!? Do you know why we use rinsable or disposable filters rather than a tangled mass of hair in coffee machines? Two words: hair is crap at filtering. And just what possible reason is there for it to keep growing when your nostrils remain the same size? Shoddy design, that’s what.

The Back
Do you know what one of the greatest feelings is? When you stretch – really, really stretch with your arms up and your back arched and your teeth clenched – and you get that wave of euphoric bliss washing all over you and you let out a gasp because it’s just sooo good. You know it’s good because animals do it too and they’re connoisseurs of goodness. Cats do it at least thirty times a day inbetween periods of drooling on the sofa and digging their claws into (and ruining) the cushions and you can see them smile with utter joy too. Isn’t it just utterly fantastic to have a stretch and turn your muscles to jelly?

Flexible DesignBut why don’t you ever see cats suddenly freeze and start shouting "Arggh! Oh God! My back. Ow-how! Oh Goddamn it to … ya motherfu … aarggh! Fucking back. I’m in agony. I heard it pop. Oh you bastard fu … aarggh! Ow! Damn it!"?

Wings and Gills and Armoured Skin
God: Here it is … the one we’ve been waiting for … the ultimate design … the perfect being! I call it a … human!
God Design Workshop Audience: Ooh! Get you!
God: Get me indeed. Let me take you through the specs of this ultimate species. As you can see it’s bipedal – we did toy with six legs but the economics of keeping the females in shoes was too horrific to contemplate. These things here at the ends of the arms are called "opposable thumbs". Boffins in the lab came up with them and, if they work out as we think they will, then we’ll roll out upgrades to the other species, probably starting with the caterpillars.
Audience Member: Sorry, God, may I? These whatever-they-are thumbs; what are they for?
God: Opposable. They have many uses but one I’m particularly fond of is this … hang on … there, it’s called a sock puppet and do you see how I can form the mouth?
Audience: Ahhh!
God: Okay, back to the human. Trichromatic vision, two eyes for depth perception, air breathing so it can fit in and manipulate the planet more easily. Notice the large skull; we’ve got the biggest and latest brain model to go in there. Here in the throat we’ve added the capability for speech to develop too. No more grunting and pointing and hitting! Any questions?
Audience Member: I can’t see a carapace and the exposed flesh looks quite soft. I assume the bones are strengthened to prevent crushing or snapping and there’s protection for the organs too.
God: No. Anything else?
Audience Member: Do the wings fold out of the back or is this using a membrane between the arms and torso?
God: No, no wings. It’s land-based.
Audience Member: Oh. Will future models have flight capabilities?
God: Not naturally, but in a manner of speaking I guess some will be able to leave the ground.
Audience Member: Doesn’t sound very ultimate to me. Fancy not being able to fly. Tell me it swims, though.
God: Oh yes, don’t worry about that. Body density and air-filled lungs will make the human really quite buoyant and a wide range of motion of the arms and legs mean swimming will be a doddle, albeit not at very great speed owing to a lack of flippers.
Audience Member: Are those things on the side of the head gills?
God: No, they’re ears. Breathing is performed through the mouth here with air traversing down here into the lungs. Fairly standard breathing, taken from the mammal line.
Audience Member: Whoa! You mean it can’t actually breathe underwater? It – what? – has to take a breath and hold it in those lungs? Won’t that cause problems when it dives down and the pressure increases?
God: Land-based. Land. It’s a land creature. It sort of compacts into a squishy mess at high pressures.
Audience Member: Wouldn’t it have been more "perfect" to have made it a flying amphibian? With armour. It doesn’t even look very luminescent unless that thing at the front between the legs is some kind of torch. Oh, hang on … that’s not …?
God: I’ve got a plan in place to make sure it won’t use that that much anyway, okay?

Author: Mark

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18 Comments

  1. You will be receiving the bill for the monitor I just spat coffee all over. Damn you. The best read of the month so far.

    Side Note: It has been discovered that a good percentage of your country actually believes in ID. You have alot of work to do young Mark and I wish you luck.

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  2. "best read of the month so far" … just 27 more days to hold out …

    I don’t like polls (WW2 Fun Fact: neither did Hitler) unless I can see the actual questions asked. I’ve been a member of some research groups in the past and the questions are so horribly biased it would make you cry.

    E.g. "do you think it’s okay to bludgeon babies?"
    a) Yes, all the time
    or
    b) Only some of the time

    The results of our poll show that the overwhelming majority of people do support some form of baby-bludgeoning.

    Subsequently, most of the people in this country believe in ID? With our church attendance figures? Do me a favour son! Luckily, we’re a far more heathen bunch over here.

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  3. The phrase "do me a favour son" needs to be spoken in a Cockney accent and is more-or-less equivalent to "you’re ‘avin’ a giraffe" if that helps to clear things up.

    And I have nothing against bludgeoning babies … I picked a).

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  4. Oh speaking of Gods. While we are on the whole poll thing…

    A) Bill Cowher’s chin,
    B) Mike Holmgren’s walrus like ass,
    C) Both will be a part of Detroit’s age old ritual Car-Jacked-Gang-Raped-and-Robbed pregame of which there will be no winners.

    I pick A). "The Chin" by 17 hands down. The Seahags are going to be introduced to this thing called "PROSTATE STOMPING" like no other team has felt since the ’86 Bears dismantled the Patsies. Bet your ass "son"……or…um….giraffe?

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  5. I hope it’s A too, if only as reward for the great job of crapping on the Colts. Don’t like the Seahawks but have a horrible feeling they’ll nick it by a couple of field goals.

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  6. *wishes she was educated enough to know who A or B were to join in this heated debate*

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  7. Being an atheist I find it hard to believe that some designer created the humans let alone the world, unless the designer was on drugs ala Robin Williams sketch.

    With respect to the poll, they probably asked a load of under 25′s who, when asked any question regarding designer, will automatically due to chav conditioning respond with the answer designer as that is the only subject they feel confident talking about. As in Burberry, Louis Vitton and Stella (Artois, not McCartney)

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  8. It’s a pity that ‘speedo’ rule is blatantly abused. No man should be allowed to wear them. Ever.

    And if I’m thinking correctly, Mal, ‘kip’ means sleep or a nap.

    Do I get a prize for knowing??

    Oh, and the Steelers have to win. I hate teams named after birds.

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  9. Not only must the Steelers win for Bill Cowher’s Chin, the fact that they’re Not Named After Birds, but because the Seattle Seahawks have by far the worst uniforms in the history of organized sport, and yes, I’m including the 1980′s-era Houston Astros and the teal West German alternate uniforms from the 1990 World Cup.

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  10. In an effort to promote inter-continental and racial harmonies, seems like there’s so little of that at the moment, I will explain wtf I’m talking about.

    Ruggybabs is correct, a kip refers to a short sleep which can be taken at anytime, as most politicans seem to when the most important debates are ongoing thus missing the point and coming up with half-baked policies which don’t actually meet the requirements of the populace.

    And malice, not to worry, I sometimes have trouble keeping up with your train of thought as well ;)

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  11. No trouble at all Convict. May I call you Con? AWESOME! See, it’s no-so-much the train of thought I have a hard time with, it’s the vernacular that gets to me after while. Kip to me is short for the Italian name Qippy (pron Kip’pee). So when Mr. Bubble alluded to “having a short kip” you can just imagine what that did to the monkeys. Spun would be an understatement. Just remember kids: If there is nothing God hates more than woman, it’s fags. Also, understanding my train of thought is not so hard really. Just imagine sawing off the top of some ones head and peeking in for a look-see only to be greeted my one hundred bounding monkeys jumping about on a trampoline and right when the smile hits your lips: you’re pelted with excrement and more than a little DNA. That should just about sum it all up.

    Lastly Mr. Mark. I bet that turd-fest was worth a days pay eh? That was the worst Not-So-SuperB-Owl I think I have ever seen in my life. That fucker needed to be shot. I would consider litigation. Seriously.

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  12. It wasn’t a great game; I was praying that Bettis would fumble the ball again in the last few minutes just for the excitement of seeing utter panic on Cowher’s face but no, not even that. Parker’s run pretty much knocked the game out of the Seahawks for a whole quarter and it was hard to keep my eyes open at points. Didn’t even like the pregame or half-time entertainment (which, admittedly, is nothing new) but that was because the sound quality was so awful.

    If it hadn’t been for the CFUS side-bet and constant thoughts like "well, I just need the Steelers to get a touchdown and miss the extra point and then to turn the ball over but get sacked for a safety followed by a field goal for the ‘Hawks in the last 48 seconds of this quarter and that’s $100!" then I might have gone to bed early.

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  13. c’mon mark? i thought we already settled this. if god does exist, then he just happens to be the biggest jerk this side of the misi…misssy…misspi…err, the river.

    and i thought you brits never watched american football? you say it’s a sissy game, unlike rugburn or whatever it’s called where men run around in short pants, grabbing for each other’s balls, and sometimes even getting a hold of the regulation, animal hide one. blah, superbored sunday has come and gone, and i still don’t know who won between the pirates and the steelers.

    :-/

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  14. Jeebus, if it isn’t Cheebus! Back again and with new hosting and bandwidth and lots of news I’m going to have to catch up on. I sure hope there was some ball rubbing to report.

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  15. ball rubbings come aplenty in my neck of the woods. there’s lots to go around too.

    /not gay.

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