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It’s been a wonderful Summer for our zooanauts, scouring the four corners of the globe in search of the animals too hideous for other zoos to touch. Of course, we’d never refer to our chimeric abominations as hideous to their faces; that’s the sort of thing that would upset some of the sentient ones.
We’ve got some new additions which we’re just sure will convince you to come and visit them in person. Don’t forget your debit card.
Part gerbil, part narwhal and not – as one local newspaper claimed – a rodent with a cocktail stick rammed in its skull. This particular creature was captured on a recent trip to Brazil where it’s believed the animal adapted to an irrational fear of homosexual homoshenanigans and evolved an identical defence mechanism to the narwhal which was also once used in a similar manner by lonely sailors.
Far from the most glamorous of creatures, the newly-discovered cowpard is, nevertheless, one of the most important finds during our recent New World expeditions, especially for those biologists who disputed our other star attraction, the nocturnal pumagoat. Once again nature shows that there’s pretty much nothing that isn’t improved by adding cat genes into the mix somewhere. The Swiss Army are already very keen to see the results of our newly-established cowpard breeding programme.
It’s an established rule of nature that Australian animal life is just like animal life everywhere else only it’s bigger, scarier, faster, and poisonier. Yes, poisonier. Humans are not impervious to this natural necessity for change and neither, now, are felines. The exoskeleton is not quite as comforting to stroke but the antipodoctocat’s purr now really resonates and – a bonus for busy pet owners! – the creature can open its own tinned food without any assistance.
The Human Pitbull
What happens when you don’t abort the offspring resulting from pitbull rape? Eeeevillll! And that’s what we found abandoned in the distant and despairing wilderness of North America. Slap a bit of lipstick on it and get in a professional hair stylist and you’ll see that the human-pitbull hybrid cleans up well but that doesn’t stop it from being a terrible danger to anyone nearby. Stare at it but keep your children well away from the latest addition to the Chimera Zoo. And don’t worry: not only is the human pitbull not sentient, it even scores lower than amoebae when subjected to intelligence tests, and only barely meets the criteria for life at all.