In these days of deepening economic crisis and impending (but secret) asteroid strikes it’s important to save what money we have for only the necessities in life and one of the remaining seats on the Earth Escape Arks (don’t tell anyone).
And that’s why I do all my shopping on Ebay. When I’m looking for cheap tat then there’s no better place to order crud I’d never buy from a real person in a real store for fear that someone might see me.
Of course, trawling through Ebay’s mountain of categories for those bargain items that have been missed by other people or are still under the price you could get them for brand new is a laborious and thankless task. Time-consuming. Heart-breaking, even, when you find that one thing you were really after approximately three seconds before or after the auction ends.
Which is why – when I shop on Ebay – I make use of Lastminute Auction, a wonderful little site that strips out expensive purchases and simply supplies you with stuff ending in an hour at under one of whichever currency it is you’re using. Why! Look at some of the cheap items I very nearly almost considered buying!
Nothing shakes me out of a coma quicker than the threat of cosplay. A Buy It Now price of one whole British penny piqued my interest and sent shivers up its spine before tickling it under the chin and pulling out an errant nose hair, although the shipping costs of nearly six of Her Majesty’s pounds subsequently took that interest and held it under water until it had stopped jerking.
Was it a pillowcase? Was it a costume? Was it a pillowcase that doubled as a costume? A costume for limbless people? I had to know but, alas!, the description was less than clear and I regretfully had to pass on this particular purchase.
As the proud owner of a home and the embarrased every time I look out the back window owner of what some people might term a garden it’s no surprise that Lastminute Auction’s Home And Garden section always attracts me. Although that might have something to do with the way it shows off a lot of leg. I like that in a selling category. Other categories take note.
When you see an item for sale that includes superb selling keywords like "adult" and "ladies" and "shower" and, of course, "brown" that is still available for the bargain price of just 89p then you’ve got to look closer.
I wanted it for all those reasons and yet I couldn’t because there was a nagging feeling at the back of my head that, well, nobody on the entire planet uses shower caps. Or if they do, then they shouldn’t. As a general rule of thumb I’ve always found that the way to not get my hair wet is to not put it in the way of the water which I’ve typically found comes from one direction and one direction only, that being the direction in which the shower head is pointing. But that’s just me.
Subsequently, wondering who is making shower caps and for whom and deciding that spicing up one’s love life with one probably wouldn’t work with a cat motif prominent I decided to pass again.
Now, I’ve always been a musically-gifted person. At school I played the violin. Okay, I inflicted the violin on other people. The point is I was talented enough to be picked to inflict the violin on other people in the first place. Or everyone else was even worse than me. Oh, maybe I’m not that gifted after all. Never mind. Back to the music.
In the Musical Instruments section I was quite surprised to see:
A grand piano for sale. A 19th century grand piano. For under a pound.
Sure, I’ve got nowhere to put a grand piano but it was a grand piano nonetheless. There had to be a catch. Or five. Or more.
Collect only. Okay. Needs repolishing. What doesn’t in my house? A few ivories missing. How hard can it be to find ivories? Would probably benefit from complete replacement of felts. Right. What the hell are they then? Restringing would help too. I see. So it was a grand piano with duff strings, duff keys, duff felts (huh?), and you’d have to move it yourself. Which wasn’t so good. But it was mahogany and under a pound. Which was.
"Sweetheart! There’s a mahogany grand piano for sale for 99p. It needs mostly replacing and we’d have to drive to London and strap it on the top of the Focus. What do you think?"
So we passed on the grand piano too.
On the plus side, with the savings we made from not buying any of these bargains we might just be able to upgrade to Business Class on Escape Ark F.