What Are Volcanoes?

Posted by Mark on Feb 11, 2012 | 1 Comment

Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.

What Are Volcanoes?

A volcano is a special type of mountain so to understand what a volcano is we must first determine what a mountain is.

What Is A Mountain?

Some scientists believe that these can be made out of molehills but those sandwiches in the fridge were clearly marked as mine and I don’t think it’s unreasonable of me to scream about it in the cafeteria at lunch time; I was very hungry; I had been sciencing all morning without a break. However, mountains are really a special type of hill so to understand what a mountain is we must first determine what a hill is.

What Is A Hill?

A hill is a raised area of land on the ground. If you needed to be told this then you probably don’t know what the ground is either. On we go.

What Is Ground?

Coffee beans are ground. The aromas released during this process are to die for and sometimes this very process is more pleasurable than the consumption of the hot drink itself. I like a nice, full-flavoured coffee and find the lighter bean variants can be a little too bitter. I have similar tastes when it comes to wine and real ale too; dark, heavy, not bitter. Now you know what to buy me when you bump into me at the Sciencorium.

What Is The Sciencorium?

The Sciencorium is where we sciencercise all day long, sciencing up things for all of mankind. Just last week I scienced an invisible ray. I’ve no idea what to do with it yet so it’s sharing a shallow pool with the invisible flounder and the invisible dogfish (I think) but that’s not the point; sciencing is about whether you can do something, not about whether you should or what benefit it might possibly have. Anyone who tells you different is a hippy.

What Is A Hippy?

Volcanoes will often hide behind clouds to avoid being seen.

What Is Body Odour?

The human body is covered with a layer of skin that looks solid to the naked eye but under a microscope it can be seen that this layer is perforated much like a teabag. If you were to hold a teabag to your nose and sniff deeply you would smell the various odours associated with the tea leaves inside the bag; similarly, with human bodies, if you were to sniff deeply you would smell the tea leaves inside a human body but unlike teabags where the leaves remain mostly dry the leaves inside a human often get wet with perspiration and sex juices and this can cause an unpleasant smell to emanate. Scientists at the Sciencorium invented deodorant and after shave many years ago to mask the smell but this can sometimes clog the skinholes (doctors call these “pores” to justify their salaries) and this can lead to pimples.

What Are Pimples?

When the area over a skinhole becomes clogged with a layer of dried after shave, petrified deodorant vapour, or sweat worms it permits bacteria that would otherwise fall through the holes to set up a base. Bacteria are fans of vintage science fiction and will typically build their bases in the form of domes (although South Americans will often discover 1950s-era, brutalist design apartment blocks on their skin as the style is very popular in Argentinian microbe circles). While initially very pleasing to the eye these domes and skyscrapers (collectively known as “pimples”) inevitably cannot sustain the population within them and crime takes over; the acne buildings fall into disrepair and all it takes is a little pressure from within for them to explode.

What Has This Got To Do With Volcanoes?

Volcanoes are ground pimples.

In The Pub With Jim Al-Khalili

Posted by Mark on Sep 25, 2011 | 1 Comment

On Thursday the 8th of September I had the pleasure of being in the pub to watch a talk given by science guru Professor Jim Al-Khalili. This was supposed to be a talk on his areas of expertise and my areas of interest – black holes, wormholes, and time travel – but the evening turned out to be odder than any of those who attended could have expected.

Well over one hundred people were crammed into the room at the Globe Inn, many of whom were drinking, and all of whom were perspiring. The heat and the humidity was fierce and hindsight says this may have contributed to the events that would unfurl. On the other hand, maybe Jim’s always a bit strange. Strange like a quark! That’s a physics joke there for you.

Professor Jim Al-Khalili in his lucky brown jacket. Don't mention the lucky brown jacket.

Jim sat at the front of the room wearing what he told us was his lucky brown jacket. There was an attempt to ask him what was so lucky about it by Ian, one of the organisers of the Portsmouth Skeptics in the Pub cult, but this was met with disapproval by the professor and Ian’s eyes were glued shut as punishment.

Talking to Jim about his lucky brown jacket leads to eye-glue punishment. You have been warned.

This set an uneasy tone for the evening as you can imagine.

The talk began shortly thereafter and our expectation of some interesting physics was dashed immediately as Jim launched into the act that first shot him to fame in Yorkshire, the famous Ghost Vet sketch.

Jim's Ghost Vet sketch: here he's inseminating the dead cow, Daisy.

For those of you who never got to watch the Ghost Vet sketch before it was banned by the U.N. and removed from YouTube the gist of the story is that Jim, a vet to the spirit world, is asked to inseminate a dead cow. With hilarious consequences! And horrible, horrible, gratuitous racism.

Jim's Ghost Vet sketch: here he's rubbing ectoplasm on his head before the cranial-rectal examination.

The sketch received a polite and fearful ripple of applause from that half of the crowd who weren’t nauseous by the end of it.

Jim then promised to get on with the actual talk so long as the contractual sacrifice met with his approval. A drunkard was dragged in from the alley behind the pub and ritually shaved to resemble the professor as closely as possible.

Professor Jim Al-Khalili's double in the grey smock of sacrifice.

The execution was swift and the bemused, swaying drunkard probably didn’t feel the sharpened spatula strike that took his life but the quantity of blood that gushed out over the pub floor was a little too much for a couple of elderly gentlemen who burst into tears and fled from the room. This, fortunately, freed up some space for a small group of Jim’s devoted female acolytes to enter and seat themselves in the hot, red liquid. We were told they would absorb the victim’s “Haemo-Essence” and give strength to the professor of physics.

Some of the professor's 'Absorbing Acolytes' after the sacrifice.

The physics talk then really began and Jim explained why black holes and wormholes were impossible since the night sky was merely painted on the inside of the “CosmoShell” that surrounded the planet. Time travel, he said, was possible but only in a leftwards direction. He refrained from going into this any further but winked a lot. There were some knowing nods from members of the audience.

One of the evening’s other organisers, Trish, laughed a little too hard at this point. Pressed as to why she answered that she assumed the whole evening was just a big joke arranged by Professor Brian Cox to sully the name of his biggest rival.

Trish finds Jim amusing. This turns out to be a big mistake.

Jim was less-than-pleased with this declaration by Trish and proceeded to give her two options: become an Absorbing Acolyte or undertake the Karaoke of Pain challenge. Trish chose the latter option for her punishment and the Tombola of Torture Tunes resulted in an M.C. Hammer medley.

Stop! Trish time!

We were all punished that evening.

Professor Al-Khalili then opened up the floor to questions, promising to remove an item of clothing any time he couldn’t provide an answer. We learnt that the CosmoShell was six inches thick and connected to the surface of the Earth at the Blackpool Tower, that he was busy at weekends writing a new sketch about a ghost toilet attendant, that his hobbies included going for long walks and doing crosswords, and that he was Bear Grylls’ mentor during the 1980s among many other fascinating facts. A query about neutrinos, though, lead to Jim removing his lucky brown jacket.

Jim removed his lucky brown jacket - which you must never talk about - to reveal interesting sweat patterns.

A hush fell over the crowd at this point as it became apparent that Jim – like all of us – had been sweating. Unlike the rest of us, however, the pattern of Jim’s sweat was unusual to say the least. The professor mistook our quiet concern for adoration and began a twenty minute routine of impressions of Britain’s favourite light entertainers; Larry Grayson, Lionel Blair, and Ted Rogers all surfaced. He was rather good.

Eventually, regular skeptic attendee Pam raised her hand and enquired as sweetly as she could as to the strange markings on Jim’s shirt.

Pam politely asked the professor about the perspiration patterns. Try saying that three times fast.

We were all worried about Pam as she was frog-marched away by two of the professor’s heavies. After she was out of sight and the sound of the industrial blender had started, Jim seemed to sigh heavily and then told us all that his torso had required rebuilding following an aborted attempt to transform himself into a machine. The result of this was that he sweated in a different manner than “sub Jims”, his term for anyone not him. To demonstrate this he proceeded to perspire from his knee into a pint glass.

Jim with the pint of sweat.

This took twenty minutes in near-complete silence (the industrial blender ushered up a constant drone as backdrop). We were “encouraged” (with some threatening sharpened spatula-waving) to give the professor a standing ovation at the conclusion of this demonstration and that almost brought the night to an end. It only remained for an Absorbing Acolyte to return with a novelty-sized test tube full of what she referred to as “Liqui-Pam”.

An 'Absorbing Acolyte' offers everyone a sip of Liqui-Pam.

We formed an orderly line, sipped of the Liqui-Pam (a little chewy, but sweeter than expected), bowed to the professor, and were allowed to leave alive. The two elderly gentlemen who had fled earlier in the evening were impaled on spikes outside the pub.

Overall, I would say that if you get a chance to see Jim Al-Khalili give a talk then it’s well worth it and highly recommended.

Another Total TV Guide Letter

Posted by Mark on Jul 30, 2011 | 1 Comment

You may (or may not) remember that I’ve explored the letters page of Total TV Guide magazine (my preferred weekly guide to the days where I can complain that there’s nothing on television) before on this hallowed ground (disclaimer: neonbubble.com has never been consecrated) here: Total TV Guide Letters.

Since that time the letters to the editor have been rather disappointingly normal and my reputation for shouting in checkout queues has diminished to the point of legend. Nevertheless, there was one letter this week that I felt I ought to address.

Dear Martin Blackburn of West Yorkshire,

Everyone likes Professor Brian Cox. Everyone. Even, I suspect, your wife, which is probably the catalyst for your decision to write in to a television listings magazine. Is he on her Five Famous People list? Don’t pretend you don’t know what the list is; you know. It’s okay Martin, you can tell us. Brian’s on everyone‘s Five Famous People lists. Your wife, his wife, my wife, me, you, everyone. You’re thinking: how can he be on everyone’s Five Famous People lists at the same time? It’s called “spooky action at a distance” and if it’s too difficult to understand then try writing into the BBC and we’ll see if they can’t conjure up a one-off programme on BBC2 to explain it for you hosted by, oooh, I don’t know, maybe, oooh, a charming northern professor of physics perhaps.

Now, you don’t seem to like that he’s on TV on a lot of seemingly disparate programmes with no connection. But Martin… you like all these programmes too. There is a connection. Don’t you see that you and Brian share a bond of interests? You’re seeing him as a rival but you should be seeing him as a kindred spirit. You like music, he likes music. You like baked trout, he likes baked trout. That’s two of you that like baked trout. And if you let your wife have her way then your connection is strengthened that much more again.

You say you don’t like his floppy hair and soppy voice. Well Martin, you’re from West Yorkshire and I know you’ve added that line in to sound manly like a man’s man from Yorkshire should sound. But you’re also writing letters to Total TV Guide. Your reputation is shredded. Give it up Martin. Release.

Don’t hate Professor Brian Cox Martin, and don’t hate your wife for picking someone she gets to watch on TV a lot. You had your chance too. It’s nobody’s fault that Thora Hird died. Get over it.

P.S. His teeth aren’t polished; years of working near a particle accelerator have given them a natural radiance.

Portsmouth Skeptics In The Pub

Posted by Mark on Apr 16, 2011 | 4 Comments

At the risk of treading on the toes of Strong Island which does a sterling job of talking about and promoting local endeavours in and around Portsmouth, and at the risk of talking about and promoting local endeavours in and around Portsmouth (something really quite alien to these particular interweb shores), and at the risk of linking the upcoming royal wedding with critical thinking and pubs I thought I’d just promote a local endeavour in and around Portsmouth whilst also linking the upcoming royal wedding with critical thinking and pubs in a manner that just may hook any oddball on the net who decides to combine those subjects in a search term.

Have you heard about Skeptics In The Pub? No? Oh, but you should! Even though they spell skeptics with a ‘k’. But you never talk about that. First rule of Skeptics Club and all that rot.

So, Skeptics In The Pub is the name given to a regular social event at various venues in various countries on various planets in various solar systems careering through various galaxies speeding away from other various galaxies and occasionally merging with other various galaxies whilst spreading out in various universes in various multiverses in various supermultiverses in the one all-encompassing great big suede wallet of supermultiverses carried around by God in his back pocket. The purpose of the pub meetings is to discuss or listen to topics on sceptical subjects such as:

• religion, lol
• homeopathy, pmsl
• can Intelligent Design explain Ray Comfort?
• how did we not know George Michael was gay?
• is crystal energy the only genuine alternative to bowel surgery?
• is there a conspiracy to spread negative press about use of probes in alien abductions?

The pub meetings take place in a pub. We’ve thought about having them take place in a cemetery in order to throw off the government agencies who monitor our activities for subversive plots against William and Kate (more on them soon) but we’re all scared of ghosts. So they take place in a pub. This means we’re able to drink which has two benefits: alcohol allows us to think more clearly (or, at least, think we’re thinking more clearly, which is half – if not three-fifths – of the battle), and alcohol also clouds brain emanations which means meetings can take place without the need for silly tinfoil hats. Let’s see the UK secret service – screw you MFI! – steal our thoughts now!

I know what you’re thinking (behold my Uri Geller levels of unearthly powers!); you’re thinking: gee mister, that sounds swell as a ripe peach! Can I come along?

I’m sorry but we don’t accept American midwest teenagers from 1956. We did it once and it was just horrible. So very horrible. You scrub and scrub at the blood but it just soaks deeper into the floorboards. Deeper and deeper, and darker and darker. So much blood. And those screams. I won’t ever forget those screams.

For people interested in sceptical thinking and listening to people such as Simon Singh or Dr Tom Williamson talk and who live in or around Portsmouth and who don’t mind the sexy, enticing aroma and sweet, sweet taste of alcohol and who aren’t temporal travellers from the age of Americana (although you’ve just missed Tom Williamson’s speech so that would actually be of significant benefit) we’d love to have you pop along.

If you’re genuinely interested or if you’re not certain if you’re genuinely interested why not check out these useful links of usefulness?

• Official Portsmouth SitP site
• Portsmouth SitP Facebook page
• Portsmouth SitP Twitter
• Cherry Black – related site of one of the organisers
• The Sceptical Pleb – related site of one of the participants who also happens to be my friend and who needs a swift kick up the arse to encourage him to write more often

And if you’re not in Portsmouth shame on you! Shame! On! You! But you may find something similar in your area. Why not check out these local events? You’ll be glad you did. Unless you’re not easily pleased by clicking links. I was really directing that “you’ll be glad you did” statement at people who are and I’m very sorry if you were caught up in the moment.

And finally, another reason to come along to the meetings which also brings up the topic of the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Not Princess Kate Middleton. In addition to discussions, in addition to drinking, in addition to learning, in addition to mind-broadening, in addition to socialising, and in addition to thwarting the sinister aims of the government’s shadowy masters there’s also a regular quiz. Everyone likes a quiz. Everyone. And they gave out prizes this time around too. And we won for the best team name! We won… a genuinely unique Wills and Kate Royal Wedding Commemorative plate!

William, Kate, a rainbow, a flying unicorn, and an angel. And that is why you should join us next time around for Portsmouth Skeptics In The Pub.

What Are Black Holes?

Posted by Mark on Apr 8, 2011 | 0 Comments

Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.

To explain what a black hole is – other than something into which you bury burglars – you will need to know about light and, specifically, the speed of light and how it is affected by gravity.

What is the speed of light?
Anything that moves can be said to have a speed. For example: something which moves a distance of three miles in an hour can be said to have a speed of three miles per hour.

Some things move at different speeds at different times; cars driven by burglars, for instance, may be crashed into a phonebox with the driver slumped over the wheel – the victim of a well-thrown spork – and therefore not moving at all, or they may be rolling uncontrollably down a steep incline with a mutilated burglar in the boot towards a cliff edge and about to reach terminal velocity.

Other things move at a constant speed (allowing for the external environment); when you shout at burglars the noise travels at the same speed as when you are whispering into the ears of trussed up, dazed, and crying would-be burglars. Sound travels at a constant speed in the same atmospheric conditions. Light behaves similarly and the rate at which light moves in a vaccum is what we call the speed of light.

Why is the speed measured in a vacuum?
Nature abhors a vacuum and you can see this for yourself by switching one on near a cat; it will run like crazy. Likewise, light molecules move at their greatest velocities when a vacuum is present and are limited to a slightly slower pace when there is a lot of dust and other stuff around that they might bump into.

Why does light travel so fast?
Heavy things are difficult to move. Large, concussed burglars require at least two people to shift them into the sex dungeon. Light molecules – as the name implies – are light, meaning they are both not dark and not heavy. In fact light are the least heavy of the DTT (Difficult To Touch) family of molecules and, subsequently, they are most capable of travelling at high speed.

This also explains why it is impossible for a person to travel at the speed of light. As an experiment try shining a torchbeam on one hand. In the other hand lift the leg of a comatose burglar. You will find that legs are far heavier than light and thusly unable to reach the same speed. Removing your legs will help but not completely alleviate this problem.

So, what is a black hole then?
To understand black holes and their relationships with light and its speed you need to know a very little bit about gravity and this is a great place to discover a very little bit about gravity.

Gravity is a weak, cumulative, attracting force emitted by all matter in the universe. Because it is a cumulative force the more matter that is present in one place the more gravity it exerts on its neighbours pulling them in. So large things – a planet, for instance – pull smaller things – heads of decapitated burglars, for instance – to them. Drop a decapitated burglar’s head and you will see it is attracted to the planet’s surface.

However, because it is weak it is quite easy to temporarily break. You can lift the burglar’s head from the ground even though the entire planet’s gravitational force is working against you. Even better, you can throw the burglar’s head into the air. The speed at which you throw the head determines how far it gets away from the planet before the cumulative, weak force of gravity pulls it back down.

Every object has a speed at which something can move away from it fast enough so that gravity cannot reclaim it; this speed is known as the Escape Velocity after the 1999 movie of the same name which is so terrible you’ll run from it at a fair whack too. It is unlikely that you would be able to throw a burglar’s head fast enough from the planet’s surface to escape the Earth’s gravity but you are more likely to be able to do this when standing on a mountain because you’re further away from the mass.

A black hole is an area of immense mass exerting a gravitational pull that is strong enough to stop even light molecules with their great speed from escaping. Because light cannot escape and because we see things when light molecules hit our eyes and leave an imprint behind the effect is one of darkness.

At a certain distance away from the immense mass – in a manner similar to standing on a mountain and hurling a burglar’s head with all your righteous might – light is able to get away. This terrifying point of no return for light is known as the Event Horizon after the 1997 movie of the same name which is also quite scary.

Super Science Sunday

Posted by Mark on Mar 6, 2011 | 0 Comments

It’s Sunday the 6th of March 2011 and if you’re living in the United Kingdom or you have access to our televisual experience on the BBC then you’re in for a treat tonight if you like science.

You do like science, don’t you? Of course you do!

First up for your scientific joy is the brand new series hosted by Professor Brian Cox, Wonders Of The Universe. This programme goes out on BBC2 and BBC HD at 21:00 (more info). Brian will be talking about time, but not mentioning that at the same time his wife Gia will be on BBC4 in a repeat of her excellent series Electric Dreams… which also features science!

That’s like a science overload!

But wait! There’s more!

Later on in the evening we get to see everyone’s favourite particle physicist Brian appearing on TV again alongside Sir Patrick Moore in the 700th episode of The Sky At Night. That programme will be airing at 23:25 on BBC1 and BBC1 HD.

So that’s physics, technology, and lashings and lashings of ginger astronomy for your delectation tonight. And that’s why it’s a Super Science Sunday.

Do Vaccines Cause Autism?

Posted by Mark on Oct 16, 2010 | 1 Comment

Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.

What Is A Vaccine?
The name "vaccine" comes from the latin word vacca meaning "cow". A vaccine is a microscopic, biological crib note written on leather that includes diagrams of a disease along with suggestions for defeating it in glorious intracorpus battle. The vaccine is introduced to the body in any of a number of ways (orally, by injection, osmosis, gentle persuasion, etc.) and the body files the information on the crib note away for later use.

Are Vaccines Good?
Good is a subjective term. Vaccines help your body cheat death or crippling illnesses. If you would rather be alive than dead then you should conclude that they are good.

If you would rather that more people – possibly yourself included – spent their lives in pain, defecating themselves, drooling, and being pushed around in wheelchairs then you should conclude that they are bad. Antivaxxers think that vaccines are bad.

What Is An Antivaxxer?
There are two types of people who can properly be labelled "antivaxxers".

The first type is those who harbour a grudge against the manufacturers of a particular type of carpet cleaner, quite likely as the result of misuse and subsequent trips to hospital emergency rooms. These people, despite their fondness for air pressure-related sexual shenanigans, are at least somewhat scientifically-minded, embracing the use of technology and experimentation in order to facilitate personal pleasure.

The second type of people are not scientifically-minded. These people associate vaccinations with infant death or disability through the tried-and-tested (-and-rejected by fans of the brain) method of putting two and two together and getting three.

Do Vaccinations Cause Autism?
A vaccination caused me to take a day off school once but I can assure you after an extensive search of Wikipedia that a throbbing arm and nausea are not symptoms of autism.

Why Do Some People Associate Vaccinations With Autism?
The brain is very good at pattern-matching, predicting future events based on experience – touch fire, fire make hand go ouch, not touch fire again because fire is ouchy – and this process of observation and deduction is the cornerstone of good science. But it’s not all of good science.

Good science involves repeated tests and predictions to corroborate findings or rule theories out in order that the scientific finding is not one borne of bad luck, good luck, or improper test conditions.

Antivaxxers engage in bad, amateur, scientificish science ("New Improved Sciencique™") which makes sweeping declarations of assurety based on – occasionally – one observation, but more often far fewer than that. These same people, however, are very selective in their pattern-matching; they don’t – for instance – demand an end to beds when somebody dies in one in his or her sleep.

The answer, then, to the question of why do some people associate vaccinations with autism is simply that they’re imbeciles.

What If We Stopped Vaccinations?
Once a certain threshold of the population are immunised against a disease it becomes difficult for that disease to spread among the individuals. Stopping vaccinations reduces that threshold and allows diseases to spread putting money in the pockets of the pharmaceutical industry. Without vaccinations we would lose our herd immunity.

What Is Herd Immunity?
There are far more cows on the planet than you realise. Killing them for their tasty meat and the leather they supply for our wonderful fashion industry has caused them to evolve a hatred of mankind. Fortunately, vaccines – which are written on microscopic leather – exude a cow-like pheromone which keeps the bovine species confused as to our evil origins. Without vaccines and the herd immunity they provide it is us who would be worn on a cow’s hooves and served up in delicious McHomoburgers.

Brian Cox – Wonders Of The Universe Promo Pictures

Posted by Mark on Jul 25, 2010 | 7 Comments

As many science fans will know, the widely-acclaimed (I acclaimed it three times myself and I’m fairly wide) BBC series Wonders Of The Solar System presented by Professor Brian Cox (to be shown on Discovery in August) is to get a much-deserved sequel – Wonders Of The Universe – to be broadcast in the UK in early 2011.

Brian has been galavanting around the world filming for the new series and he has just released a series of promotional pictures to promote it in a pictorial manner. I think you’ll agree it looks great.

Professor Brian Cox mounted in the cockpit of a Hunter jet from episode #1: The Wonder Of Aliens.

Professor Brian Cox plus feline friend from episode #2: The Wonder Of Leaning On Things.

Professor Brian Cox and a chopper, also from episode #2: The Wonder Of Leaning On Things.

Professor Brian Cox and his Glaive about to do battle with the Beast and his army of Slayers in the Black Fortress in order to free the lovely Gia, again from episode #2: The Wonder Of Leaning On Things.

Professor Brian Cox, general promotional shot for the BBC series Wonders Of The Universe.