Traci Lords Triple
Jul12

Traci Lords Triple

Traci Lords! She’s quite possibly well known for any number of other things but the two I’m going to concentrate on are her singing and her acting as I present three videos from the, er, singing actress. Now, I have to warn you that all three of these videos are erotic in different ways – very different ways; so different, in fact, that you may not even think they’re erotic at all – but none of them are pornographic. Not that there’s anything wrong with pornographic videos. I think I’ve mentioned porn and videos and Traci Lords enough now. Can’t imagine why I’m doing that. The first clip is Control from her 1995 album 1000 Fires. I bought this album, I liked this album, I played this album a lot, and this was the stand out track from it for me. Handy then that it got released as a single and a video was made for it. The second video is an excerpt from the 2009 movie Princess of Mars. If you’ve not seen this movie – and many people haven’t – but you have seen the big budget film John Carter then it’s definitely worth catching this to compare. I actually really enjoyed both movies. That’s right! I’m the person who liked both of those films. The princess in the film’s title is played by Traci Lords as you probably could have guessed. I’ve saved the best and most erotic of the Traci Lords videos to last. Prepare yourself for an audiovisual treat the likes of which you’ll never forget as long as you live. Warm Up With Traci Lords is an exercise video featuring the actress and singer. It also has incredible music and rhymes from Traci. It’s truly...

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Watching North Korean Television
Dec14

Watching North Korean Television

I don’t speak North Korean but luckily for me it’s not difficult to tell what’s going on when it comes to North Korean television programming as I’ve discovered this morning. If you’re interested in watching live North Korean TV – and why wouldn’t you be? – then the link I was using (and you’ll need a media player to view it) is this one: mms://112.170.78.145/chosun. So, what television programme from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea was I watching? It was – I think – the Kim Jong-un Happy Execution Hour Mandatory Funtime Show! This show is the highest rated show on North Korean television along with every other show on North Korean television. Presided over by a robot of the Korean leader, each week an enemy of the people takes part in a series of challenges to determine just how it is they’re to be eradicated from existence. It’s a bit like The Running Man but without the figure hugging outfits. And you thought North Korea was a country with no taste. Shame on you! This programme’s executionee-to-be was an elderly general, one of Kim Jong-un’s favourite choices to die and – by law – one of every North Korean citizen’s favourite choices to die too. The general looked more or less amused by the whole spectacle as the host of the programme (on the right) explained the many ways of death that could be enacted upon him. To the left one of the executioners – I’m going to call her Lady Tar Death for reasons that will become clearer later – ensured that the general didn’t make a break for it. Of course, they never make a break for it but it’s important that North Korean viewers don’t entertain the possibility in their heads either (under penalty of execution) so the presence of a formidable killer is important. And there’s the sex appeal angle too. Being appealed by sex also carries a penalty of execution. The execution building was very impressive. A series of steps – being pushed down them until both hips shatter is one of the possibilities for geriatric enemies – led up to the North Korean leader robot. The Kimbot was flanked either side by what looked like balconies to my western eyes but which turned out to be presses able to rise and fall on the columns crushing flesh and bones beneath their weight. Inventive! The wall of the Kimbot’s alcove featured a film on loop of last week’s execution where a distant cousin of Kim Jong-un had been strapped to fireworks and fired into the sky over the Taedong River. At this...

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Ke$ha’s Haunted Vagina
Oct20

Ke$ha’s Haunted Vagina

Who is Ke$ha? It’s a question I recently had to ask myself. I’d heard the name. I’d even been aware that there was a dollar sign in the name somehow. I suspected she might be a star of music since that’s an area I’ve stopped being interested in once I passed the threshold into grumpy middle-agedness. Wikipedia confirms that this is indeed the case. That she’s a music star. Not that I’ve passed the threshold into grumpy middle-agedness. I don’t need Wikipedia for that. So, the reason I was wondering who she happened to be was because of some fleeting piece of news I overheard: Kesha thinks her vagina is haunted. At first I dismissed it as a joke, possibly originating from Frankie Boyle. However… No, she really does think her vagina is haunted. Because her hypnotherapist told her so. And her ghost meter confirmed the statement by beeping in the vicinity of her nether regions. Ghost meter? Like this one? So does this really mean that Kesha (or Ke$ha) has a vagina haunted by a supernatural lover? I’ll be honest here: I’m a smidge sceptical. The top-rated review of the ghost meter states: That’s “works perfect for locating electrical wiring in walls and high readings from outlets. a great tool to have. thank you”. And, of course, the ghost meter is actually marketed as the Ghost Meter EMF Sensor. Electromagnetic fields. The sort of things present everywhere on the planet. Unlike ghosts which, you know, don’t exist. The manufacturer goes on to say: The Ghost Meter has been calibrated to ignore the extremely subtle EMF emissions surrounding the human body, yet is still sensitive enough to detect the small, distinct, erratic EMF energy fluctuations frequently found at reputed haunted locations. The Ghost Meter provides three corroborating indicators of EMF emission strength. So what does this really mean as far as the ghostly goings-on around Kesha’s vagina are concerned? Is it possible that she’s being haunted? Unlikely. More probable explanations include a faulty connection in the electrical outlet behind her clitoris or emanations from the vaginal probe inserted by the aliens running Area 51. Sorry. Some more bad news for Kesha, too: Please note: this product is intended to measure electric fields, and does not detect nuclear radiation. Looks like she’s going to want to spend some of those dollar symbols in her name on a Geiger counter too, just to be on the safe side. In case there’s a Godzilla about to emerge from between her legs. Or her pubes get super...

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Rob Schneider Or Roy Scheider?
Oct12

Rob Schneider Or Roy Scheider?

Do you ever find yourself wondering whether it’s Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? I know I do. And that’s why I’ve compiled a helpful guide to whether it’s Rob or Roy. But not Rob Roy. That would be stupid. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who needs a bigger boat? That’s Roy Scheider! Roy is a product of the American capitalist system. He will always need a bigger boat thanks to media conditioning. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who “thinks” there’s a link between vaccines and autism? That’s Rob Schneider! Rob has studied the effects of vaccines on children for several decades, receiving a number of degrees and doctorates along the way. Many of Rob Schneider’s studies and double blind trials have been submitted for peer review and published earning him international plaudits among the scientific community. Despite all this he still thinks there’s a link between vaccines and autism because a friend of someone’s sister who knows someone he once shared a coffee with said that someone she knows thought she heard that a doctor might have said that someone else’s child was on the autistic spectrum and that child had recently not died because it had been vaccinated against smallpox. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who got to snuggle up with a Russian cosmonaut as they performed an aerocapture manoeuvre in Jupiter’s atmosphere? That’s Roy Scheider! Lucky, lucky bastard. Obviously, it wasn’t just Roy and a Russian who got to perform the aerocapture; they simply don’t have the heat shielding for that sort of thing. The pair of them were aboard the Alexei Leonov in the 1984 movie 2010. Having read 2001, 2010, 2061, and 3001 I can only be thankful that thus far neither of the last two have been turned into movies. Good grief, that last one especially was tripe. Rob Schneider or Roy Scheider? Which is the one who starred in that movie you like but which comic book snobs seem to hate for some reason? That’s Rob Schneider! I know! Rob Schneider appearing in a film I like! What are the odds of that? The film in question is Judge Dredd and whenever I’ve asked people what they think of the film they’ve almost universally hated it. “I didn’t like Stallone.” “It wasn’t very true to the comic book.” “Someone in front of me kept getting up to use the toilet.” Whine, whine, whine. Moan, moan, moan. You’re all wrong. It was a fun movie from the eighties that captured a lot of elements from a lot of different storylines from the...

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The Art Of The Self Shot
Mar11

The Art Of The Self Shot

Browse the web long enough – about six minutes should do the job – and you’ll stumble upon a self-photograph taken by a partially-dressed, young girl in a room in her house. Well, you do if you browse the sites I browse. I don’t know why young girls feel the need to strip naked or as near-nude as makes no difference but it’s clear that there’s either peer pressure or herd instinct at play here. As somewhat of a keen photographer I find the pictorial style represented by these undressed girls fascinating on many levels. Do they obey the rule of thirds or do they flaunt it? Are level shots the norm or is a jaunty angle considered de rigeur when snapping oneself in the nip? Actually, none of these questions can be answered as intense investigation has determined that there is only one rule when taking a self shot: include the counterpoint of interest. Self shots need a counterpoint of interest; something which draws the eye from the girl and then to the counterpoint, then back to the girl with a puzzled look on the face, back to the counterpoint, then to the girl in shock. It’s this interactive element that makes the self shot so absorbing and the photographic style such an engrossing art form. In very short order I’ve become something of a expert in the style. Let’s take a look at some examples: A brunette girl with an enigmatic smile stands in a bathroom, framed by towels. It couldn’t be a more normal scene played out in many bathrooms the world over. But then you see the sock. Why is there just one? Where is the other sock? There’s wonderful symbolism of loss here, something we’ve all experienced as we hunt through the tumble dryer and then run a hand around the still-damp inside of the washing machine drum wondering where it is. A wall covering hides a piece of conventional artwork in the background making certain that we’re not distracted from the art filling up the rest of the volume. So we can let our eyes fall on the scene: a girl with blonde hair and white knickers stands serenely in the middle of chaos. This is the eye of the storm and a clear reference to the camera with its picture-taking eye that casually freezes moments of continual motion every day in a way that should seem like magic to us but yet we take for granted. Beautifully-crafted. Another shot of a girl in chaotic surroundings but this is decidedly different. Here we see a short-haired girl trapped by the mess; it’s a...

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Professor Brian Cox, Drunk in Borneo
Jan27

Professor Brian Cox, Drunk in Borneo

Professor Brian Cox‘s latest programme for the BBC starts tonight. Wonders of Life follows the programme formula showcased in Wonders of the Solar System and Wonders of the Universe taking Brian across the globe in a bid to explain the complexity, simplicity, and beauty of the evolutionary process and the way in which life came into being on the planet. It will be shown in HD so for those couple of people recently searching to see if Brian Cox wears a wig that will be your best chance to get close to the screen and make your own mind up (hint: would he really choose one that looks like that?) I caught up with Brian during a break in filming in Borneo and talked to him about the wonders of life. As we were (and still are) both men it was necessary for us to get out the alcohol in order to discuss a matter this emotive. Brian: Vodka means ‘little water’. Did you know that? Did you?! You need water for life. I think. So… vodka! Me: Vodka! Brian: Vodka! Wait! Water for life… water of life! Think about it chum! Me: Isn’t that whiskey? Brian: Oh, you’re only fucking right! You’re right you are! You know what? You are right! Let’s make some whiskey! Me: Whiskey! Do we have the ingredients for whiskey? Brian: Whiskey has taken millions and millions and billions of years to form… What did you say? Me: Are we making whiskey or what? Brian: Vodka! Me: What? Brian: Vodka and tea and me! I can distill whiskey. Don’t look at me like that! I’m a theoretical physician… physical… scientist! Watch! Me: Well, you are a bloody wonder. Brian: I see what you did there ya cheeky monkey! Me: Heh! Now I’ve seen everything. What sort of whiskey is it? Brian: It’s quite peaty. I was eating soil earlier. Me: Right. Why? Brian: There’s life in soil. Me: You’re weird. Has anyone ever told you you’re weird? Brian: No. Nope. Yes. My wife. And you. That’s two! Me: I’ll drink to that! Champagne! Brian: Down the hatch! Me: Skol! Brian: Do they still make Skol? I have not had Skol in years. Me: Do you want some Skol? I think you can probably get some because you’re a famous physicist… Brian: That’s the word I was looking for! Me: … but Borneo may not be a great market for weak beer. Might have to helicopter some in. Brian: I don’t want any Skol but I do like helicopters. Me: What are we talking about? Brian: Hey! There’s some WKD Blue behind the counter! Me:...

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