I still haven’t given up on my dream of becoming an hilarious web-based comic strip writer!
Behold! The Cyclops Toast and Jonathan Livingston Flashunit in “Being Polite!”
Okay, now I’ve given up on my dream of becoming an hilarious web-based comic strip writer.
Not only would I like to live forever, I’d like to have lived forever. I want to see everything that ever was, is, and will be. Sadly, stupid mortality will get in the way and my experience of the universe will be incredibly limited.
I’ve seen some impressive things (and a lot of crap too) but not enough for my liking, and every time I look back at historical photos or writings or consider the various scientific conclusions of evolutionary progress on this planet I get a welling up of a sense of, well, not quite nostalgia – since I never saw or lived through these things in the first place – but something akin to it. A temporal wanderlust, perhaps.
For instance, take the following postcards of American motels from the glorious era of American motels (whenever that was) uploaded by Jordan Smith: I’m not American, I wasn’t alive in the forties, fifties, or sixties, and I can’t help but imagine that a lot of these places would have been just unbelievably terrible places to stay in. But don’t they look fantastic anyway? There’s a wonderful style there that’s gone now. But it’s only just gone. In the grand scale of things I missed out on seeing these with my own eyes by a tad less than a smidge of a fraction. In a word: buggerations!
Below I’ve selected a handful of my favourite motels from the postcard collection. Check out the entire set (linked in the paragraph above) and subscribe to Jordan’s In The Heart Of Downtown site to be kept up-to-date with every new American motel discovery too.
Alexandria Bay in New York is the location of Captain Thomson’s Motor Lodge, featuring air conditioning and private balconies over the water. Of course, wood panelling is present too. You have to have wood panelling. What’s slightly more interesting about the motel room pictured is the size of the beds. Two beds, I understand. Two double beds… has implications. This motor lodge may have catered for large people. Alternatively – and I’m favouring this thought – it may have been popular with swingers. Look at that couple by the window. They’re looking out for beautiful people in polyester suits and flowery dresses to join them for an afternoon romp. You know they are.
This is the Colonial Statler Hilton Inn, just twenty minutes from downtown Boston, and it’s not hard to love this place instantly. A swimming pool in a dome; if that doesn’t scream The Future to you then you’re not seeing the world through my eyes. What’s even better than a motel with a Future Pool? A motel with a Future Pool with one woman winning the oneupmanship battle of outrageously large swimming headgear over a fellow guest, that’s what.
To woo motoring customers to your motorists’ hotel you need more than just a pretty postcard; you need a hook; you need something that sets your motel apart from other motels in the area. Everyone’s got air conditioning. Everyone’s got wood panelling. You have to be the motel with the happiest guests. Look at this postcard of the Colton Manor motel in Atlantic City. Those are some happy people. Why are they so happy? Toxic algae fumes from the pool. Sure, it’s a gimmick that may lead to a potential lawsuit down the trail, but any publicity is good publicity, right?
One look at this postcard of the Del-Ray motel in Indianapolis and you know that it has to be a great hotel. How do you know? Let’s count the ways: firstly, they don’t need to charm you with a beautiful model or a happy family in their motel pictures. A single man – no, a single, large man – shows off the room. This tells you that the room itself is large enough to accomodate Frankenstein’s monster and if it’s large enough for Frankenstein’s monster then it’s large enough for anybody. Secondly, the man is wearing trousers to just below his nipples and is pointing at the bed with a smile. It’s a well-known fact that weirdos like to hunt down motels across space and time so that they can be “the creepy guy everybody talks about”. Do you think any weirdos are going to even consider the Del-Ray as a destination when they clearly have their own resident postcard model mental case? No, they won’t, so you can be assured this is relatively weirdo-free. Thirdly and finally, there’s history in this motel. All too often a motel will simply be a building with rooms and a pool and some swinging and wood panelling-appreciating going on but right here you’ve got some genuine interesting history to look into. What sort of prisoners did this place hold before it was a motel? Do you still get one free call?
What you are looking at is one of the most romantic sights in history. Say these words out loud and feel the surge of loving emotion pouring out of you: the bridal suite in the Downtowner motel in Boise, Idaho. Oh. My. Be still my beating heart. Can you think of a bride who wouldn’t want this to be where she spent her first night as a married woman? I can’t. This room has everything a newlywed couple could ask for: a private dining table; long curtains to block out any possible view of Boise, Idaho; a colour scheme that actually and surprisingly doesn’t induce vomiting; and, of course, the great leveller for nervous couples, the circular bed. Try to look graceful getting into or out of a circular bed… and you will fail. But you’ll get a good laugh. And a good laugh is a great cornerstone for a successful marriage. Motel honeymoons, less so.
What the Esquire motel in Rhode Island lacks in great amenities it more than makes up for in pretending it has any amenities at all. Come and stay at the Esquire motel and enjoy the idyllic patch of grass near the tarmac! Why not partake in a little sporting activity during your stay? We’ve got a croquet set and deckchair-carrying! Take in the views of other guests driving in and out! Did we mention the croquet set?
For some people a motel is simply a place to crash at after a long day on the road. For other people it’s the ideal honeymoon location. Others come for the wood panelling. And, of course, there’s the sort of person who’s looking for no-strings sex with local hookers in a room decorated by the madam at the brothel down the street as part of a sideline business. For this last group of people there’s always the Holding’s Little America motel in the heart of seedy America; Cheyenne, Wyoming.
It’s easy to (lovingly) mock these old motels but you have to admire the Holiday Inn, Stevens Point, Wisconsin for its sailing ship-themed bar. Do you think the makers of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise stayed at this Holiday Inn when they were children? I think so too. They remembered the ship and the smell of nicotine, and the splashes of whiskey and crème de menthe, and the sound of their parents laughing with other swingers, and they remembered thinking how spectacular it all was that first time. And they remembered coming back several more times. And they remembered it getting worse every time they came back. And they vowed to reproduce those memories on the big screen. And they did.
The Hotel Utah Motor Lodge is in Salt Lake City so you could be forgiven for thinking that the impressive front of the motel is designed to look almost church-like, appealing to travelling mormons in their mormonmobiles. But you would be wrong. The Hotel Utah Motor Lodge was, in fact, designed by an architect fascinated with spiders. He loved Spider-man, found hammocks arousing for their web-like appearances, ate flies, scurried across the floor scaring people, and tried to work an arachnid motif into every blueprint that was approved. Sadly, he never actually saw a spider in real life or he would have known that they don’t have ten legs.
Everyone likes a nice surprise. Okay, everyone not suffering from high blood pressure likes a nice surprise. So, for everyone who doesn’t have high blood pressure and who likes a nice surprise you simply can’t go wrong with checking into the King Arthur’s Court motel in Greeneville, Tennessee, incorporating its Round Table restaurant. What’s the surprise? Surprise! Your room has nothing in common with Arthurian legends whatsoever! Fine, fine, that’s not strictly true. The window in the room is just small enough to fire arrows out of. And there are two Sir Bedeveres. Sorry. And, I suppose, (sorry again) with those chairs you can always Sir Loungealot.
So, that’s just ten of the many motel postcards you can view here and that’s barely scratching the surface. I shall return to this theme at another time since it’s been fun. For me.
At the risk of treading on the toes of Strong Island which does a sterling job of talking about and promoting local endeavours in and around Portsmouth, and at the risk of talking about and promoting local endeavours in and around Portsmouth (something really quite alien to these particular interweb shores), and at the risk of linking the upcoming royal wedding with critical thinking and pubs I thought I’d just promote a local endeavour in and around Portsmouth whilst also linking the upcoming royal wedding with critical thinking and pubs in a manner that just may hook any oddball on the net who decides to combine those subjects in a search term.
Have you heard about Skeptics In The Pub? No? Oh, but you should! Even though they spell skeptics with a ‘k’. But you never talk about that. First rule of Skeptics Club and all that rot.
So, Skeptics In The Pub is the name given to a regular social event at various venues in various countries on various planets in various solar systems careering through various galaxies speeding away from other various galaxies and occasionally merging with other various galaxies whilst spreading out in various universes in various multiverses in various supermultiverses in the one all-encompassing great big suede wallet of supermultiverses carried around by God in his back pocket. The purpose of the pub meetings is to discuss or listen to topics on sceptical subjects such as:
The pub meetings take place in a pub. We’ve thought about having them take place in a cemetery in order to throw off the government agencies who monitor our activities for subversive plots against William and Kate (more on them soon) but we’re all scared of ghosts. So they take place in a pub. This means we’re able to drink which has two benefits: alcohol allows us to think more clearly (or, at least, think we’re thinking more clearly, which is half – if not three-fifths – of the battle), and alcohol also clouds brain emanations which means meetings can take place without the need for silly tinfoil hats. Let’s see the UK secret service – screw you MFI! – steal our thoughts now!
I know what you’re thinking (behold my Uri Geller levels of unearthly powers!); you’re thinking: gee mister, that sounds swell as a ripe peach! Can I come along?
I’m sorry but we don’t accept American midwest teenagers from 1956. We did it once and it was just horrible. So very horrible. You scrub and scrub at the blood but it just soaks deeper into the floorboards. Deeper and deeper, and darker and darker. So much blood. And those screams. I won’t ever forget those screams.
For people interested in sceptical thinking and listening to people such as Simon Singh or Dr Tom Williamson talk and who live in or around Portsmouth and who don’t mind the sexy, enticing aroma and sweet, sweet taste of alcohol and who aren’t temporal travellers from the age of Americana (although you’ve just missed Tom Williamson’s speech so that would actually be of significant benefit) we’d love to have you pop along.
If you’re genuinely interested or if you’re not certain if you’re genuinely interested why not check out these useful links of usefulness?
And if you’re not in Portsmouth shame on you! Shame! On! You! But you may find something similar in your area. Why not check out these local events? You’ll be glad you did. Unless you’re not easily pleased by clicking links. I was really directing that “you’ll be glad you did” statement at people who are and I’m very sorry if you were caught up in the moment.
And finally, another reason to come along to the meetings which also brings up the topic of the upcoming nuptials of Prince William and Not Princess Kate Middleton. In addition to discussions, in addition to drinking, in addition to learning, in addition to mind-broadening, in addition to socialising, and in addition to thwarting the sinister aims of the government’s shadowy masters there’s also a regular quiz. Everyone likes a quiz. Everyone. And they gave out prizes this time around too. And we won for the best team name! We won… a genuinely unique Wills and Kate Royal Wedding Commemorative plate!
William, Kate, a rainbow, a flying unicorn, and an angel. And that is why you should join us next time around for Portsmouth Skeptics In The Pub.
I was lucky enough to listen to everyone’s favourite Madeley, Richard, on the radio on the way into work today. This experience came about through a combination of me always listening to the radio while commuting, choosing to tune into Radio 2, and the time being a little after eight in the morning during a period when Richard Madeley is sitting in for Chris Evans in his regular slot.
You will note that these matter-of-fact occurrences just happened to coincide and that there is no immediate need to exclaim “Holy halibut! It’s the work of angels! Explain that Dawkins!” It’s quite important to note that.
So, back to that there radio programme…
Madeley related a story – a true story because someone he knew told it to him – about a ghost cat. A summary of the story follows:
Some time ago a man – let’s call him Caron Keating’s brother Paul because that’s his name and there’s no escaping the shame of idiocy here – went to Ireland and, while there, hopped in a taxi to visit the place where his dad was buried. Arriving at the cemetery he realised he couldn’t remember which grave was his father’s and looked up and down for some time in vain. Suddenly, he spotted movement and, following it, discovered a large, grey cat sunning itself on a grave. The grave – you won’t be at all surprised to hear – was his father’s! The cat scarpered just like a cat might do if it were a cat.
Trying to pray at the grave, Paul was distracted by the cat which reappeared and purred; a very spooky thing for a cat to do unless that cat were really a cat and not a sentient brick in a cat suit. His praying ruined, Paul returned to the taxi with cat in tow, and struggled to get away from the cat’s persistent following. The cat clearly wanted attention. Very, very spooky. For a mushroom. Not so much for a cat.
A few days later Paul visited his brother and mentioned the cat. His brother went very quiet and pulled out an old photograph of their dad that he had apparently hidden from Paul for some reason all his life. The photo was of the father, younger (since photographs record moments that happened in the past), and with a grey cat!
“Is that the cat?” asked Paul’s brother, pointing at the vintage polaroid’s three inch by three inch faded image of a man with a moggy.
And do you know what? It was!
Paul couldn’t explain it. Richard Madeley couldn’t explain it. Nobody could explain it. There was nothing for it but to say this was clearly a ghost cat with the soul of the dead father residing inside. Obviously.
Or, and this is just a thought, there might be an explanation after all which has a better fit for this particular scenario. Bear with me. This explanation is: it was just a normal cat.
Ghost cat? Or normal cat? How do we decide which is more likely? Through statistical probability; for there is no other way.
The Argument For A Ghost Cat
We can ascertain the probability of the cat being a ghost cat by dividing the number of global cats that are definitely ghost cats based on confirmed ghost cat recordings (zero) by an approximation of the total number of cats in the world (many).
This gives us a likelihood of the cat being a ghost of: zero percent.
But as a sceptic I only say never when mentioning that I never say never (except for that first never) and so we add a bit that I like to call “The Sceptical Get-Out Value” to give us a final likelihood of: zero percent.
The Argument For A Normal Cat
The argument for this cat being a normal cat and not a ghost cat is more complicated as the burden of proof is always on whoever doesn’t think a perfectly normal thing is a ghost, UFO, monster, spirit, demon, or deity.
Let us consider the location: Ireland. Let us consider whether cats exist in Ireland: they do. Let us consider whether there is more than one grey cat in Ireland: there is. Let us consider whether the actions of the cat are in keeping with the sorts of things that cats do: sunning, purring, and looking for attention are considered cat traits. Let us consider whether it is possible for a cat to be in a cemetery: it is. Let us consider the chance of a cat being on any grave at any given time: quite high. Let us consider whether the cat is simply likely to be normal cat by subtracting the previously determined likelihood of it being a ghost cat from 100%: that’s quite a lot.
This gives us a final calculation of: of course it’s just a cat you bloody morons.
The Argument For Not Letting People Talk About Ghost Cats On The Radio
I almost crashed because I was shouting at the radio. You came this close to being sued Richard Madeley. You and your ghost cat.
I’m something of a drinks expert. Something. Ask me anything about any drink and I can impart some knowledge about it.
Water? Hard water tastes better than soft water. There! That’s some quality drinks expert knowledge right there. Real ale? Awesome! That sort of drinks expert analysis only comes free right here. Campari? Satan’s bitter, bloody spunk. I feel your mind expanding with these tidbits of expert knowledge. Well, get ready to explode! I’m about to tell you all about the English Tea Ceremony.
Tea is England’s national drink, yet if you mention tea ceremonies it’s to the Far East that everyone turns; Japan, China, Vietnam, Lowestoft. Stop looking that way! Turn back and look at England. We’ve got your tea ceremonies covered with regional variations that will make your head spin and today I’m going to step through the process of a specific English tea-making ceremony that I like to call "The Proper Way To Make A Lovely Cup Of Tea."
1. Type Of Tea
There are many types of tea – Assam, Earl Grey, Darjeeling, Yellow, Mister – but they generally all suffer from one flaw when it comes to tasting: they aren’t very nice, and that last one will punch you when you try to check it out.
In addition to the types there are a number of delivery systems: leaves, bags, hypodermic needles. Of these three, leaves will make you choke and apparently my almost child-friendly packaging for neOnbubble Injected Tea isn’t good enough for Sainbury’s.
For a proper cup of tea one needs to find teabags with a specific blend and a specific shape. The shape of the bag is very important. A square bag in a round mug causes all sorts of geometric problems when it comes to tea-taste dispersion through the water (didn’t that sound scientific?). A pyramid-shaped bag channels energy from the ethereal plane through to the base of the mug upsetting the delicate balance of life force pervasive in the infusion (didn’t that sound like a load of old claptrap?)
The type of tea you want, therefore, is Tetley Round Teabags. No other choice will do.
2. Heating The Water
Some people advocate the use of stove-top kettles or cauldrons or setting the shower to its hottest setting but, for me, an electric kettle is the simplest way to get the water to the correct temperature.
It is vitally important that you not let the water boil dry: this will leave you with no water at all and your tea may then not be as good as it could be. Fortunately, with an electric kettle this is not likely to happen.
Similarly, it is vitally important that you not use boiling water. The heating of the water should be stopped immediately prior to coming to a boil. Boiling water contains bubbles of super-heated oxygen spheres which can cause damage to the seams of the tea bags leading to a risk of leaf-spill. This can affect the aesthetics of your finished tea and may induce spluttering during drinking which is frowned upon when you’re facing a portrait of Her Majesty as, indeed, you should be whenever tea is involved.
3. The English Tea Ceremony
Place the Tetley Round Teabag in the base of a mug.
Slowly pour the sub-boiling water into the mug. As the teabag rises with the water level adjust your pouring so that you stream the water through every part of the bag in order that every leaf is hit by the hot cascade and encouraged to release its tasty blend into the fluid. For men: imagine that you have just discovered a toilet bowl into which someone has poured thick blue bleach under the rim and it is now your solemn duty to direct your stream in such a way as to wipe it all out before you flush; it’s the same thing.
The water should come to no more than 1.5 centimetres from the rim of the mug. Cease pouring before this point, or have a straw and lip burn salve handy.
With a small spoon – a teaspoon is ideal for this – stir in an anticlockwise direction around the teabag. Start slowly, but gradually increase speed in order that a vortex is generated which allows the bag to spin nearly vertically in the centre of the mug. You should stir no more than sixteen times. Remove the spoon from the mug and ensure that the teabag is rotating at 2.3 revolutions per second.
Fetch milk from the fridge. The milk you use is full fat milk. Not semi-skimmed. Definitely not skimmed. Think about condensed milk and you will face a bludgeoning. Use powdered milk and die a horrible, horrible death. Also: cow milk. That’s important too. Not goat milk, or rat milk, or "hey, my wife’s lactating, let’s try that!" milk. Normal, tasty milk.
The teabag should now have slowed down to 0.6 revolutions per second. Using the spoon, swiftly scoop the teabag and press it against the inside of the mug, squeezing its innards, causing it to writhe in joyful agony and squirt out its yummy juices. Lift the teabag from the mug and drop the bag into the bin.
Pour the milk into the tea-infused water and stir to mix the contents as you do so. You are looking for a very specific colour to blossom; it is the colour that tells you when you have added enough milk. The colour you are looking for is #bfab7a. For those who are making tea and who haven’t come across hex codes for web colours before a handy chart is provided below.
4. Sugar?
What is it honeybunch?
Ha ha, no, that’s just an English Tea Ceremony joke. The correct response is: no.
5. Post-Ceremony Steps
With some kitchen towel clean up where the water splashed out of the mug while you were pouring it, where the milk splashed over the microwave while you were pouring it, where the teabag squirted over the cupboard as you squeezed it, where the bag subsequently dripped over the bin lid as you went to dispose of it, all the drips down the hallway because you clonked your elbow against the kitchen door carrying the mug to the living room, and, finally, the base of the mug.
You have now made a lovely cup of tea. Enjoy.
Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.
What Is A Vaccine?
The name "vaccine" comes from the latin word vacca meaning "cow". A vaccine is a microscopic, biological crib note written on leather that includes diagrams of a disease along with suggestions for defeating it in glorious intracorpus battle. The vaccine is introduced to the body in any of a number of ways (orally, by injection, osmosis, gentle persuasion, etc.) and the body files the information on the crib note away for later use.
Are Vaccines Good?
Good is a subjective term. Vaccines help your body cheat death or crippling illnesses. If you would rather be alive than dead then you should conclude that they are good.
If you would rather that more people – possibly yourself included – spent their lives in pain, defecating themselves, drooling, and being pushed around in wheelchairs then you should conclude that they are bad. Antivaxxers think that vaccines are bad.
What Is An Antivaxxer?
There are two types of people who can properly be labelled "antivaxxers".
The first type is those who harbour a grudge against the manufacturers of a particular type of carpet cleaner, quite likely as the result of misuse and subsequent trips to hospital emergency rooms. These people, despite their fondness for air pressure-related sexual shenanigans, are at least somewhat scientifically-minded, embracing the use of technology and experimentation in order to facilitate personal pleasure.
The second type of people are not scientifically-minded. These people associate vaccinations with infant death or disability through the tried-and-tested (-and-rejected by fans of the brain) method of putting two and two together and getting three.
Do Vaccinations Cause Autism?
A vaccination caused me to take a day off school once but I can assure you after an extensive search of Wikipedia that a throbbing arm and nausea are not symptoms of autism.
Why Do Some People Associate Vaccinations With Autism?
The brain is very good at pattern-matching, predicting future events based on experience – touch fire, fire make hand go ouch, not touch fire again because fire is ouchy – and this process of observation and deduction is the cornerstone of good science. But it’s not all of good science.
Good science involves repeated tests and predictions to corroborate findings or rule theories out in order that the scientific finding is not one borne of bad luck, good luck, or improper test conditions.
Antivaxxers engage in bad, amateur, scientificish science ("New Improved Sciencique™") which makes sweeping declarations of assurety based on – occasionally – one observation, but more often far fewer than that. These same people, however, are very selective in their pattern-matching; they don’t – for instance – demand an end to beds when somebody dies in one in his or her sleep.
The answer, then, to the question of why do some people associate vaccinations with autism is simply that they’re imbeciles.
What If We Stopped Vaccinations?
Once a certain threshold of the population are immunised against a disease it becomes difficult for that disease to spread among the individuals. Stopping vaccinations reduces that threshold and allows diseases to spread putting money in the pockets of the pharmaceutical industry. Without vaccinations we would lose our herd immunity.
What Is Herd Immunity?
There are far more cows on the planet than you realise. Killing them for their tasty meat and the leather they supply for our wonderful fashion industry has caused them to evolve a hatred of mankind. Fortunately, vaccines – which are written on microscopic leather – exude a cow-like pheromone which keeps the bovine species confused as to our evil origins. Without vaccines and the herd immunity they provide it is us who would be worn on a cow’s hooves and served up in delicious McHomoburgers.
As many science fans will know, the widely-acclaimed (I acclaimed it three times myself and I’m fairly wide) BBC series Wonders Of The Solar System presented by Professor Brian Cox (to be shown on Discovery in August) is to get a much-deserved sequel – Wonders Of The Universe – to be broadcast in the UK in early 2011.
Brian has been galavanting around the world filming for the new series and he has just released a series of promotional pictures to promote it in a pictorial manner. I think you’ll agree it looks great.
Professor Brian Cox plus feline friend from episode #2: The Wonder Of Leaning On Things.
Professor Brian Cox and a chopper, also from episode #2: The Wonder Of Leaning On Things.
Professor Brian Cox and his Glaive about to do battle with the Beast and his army of Slayers in the Black Fortress in order to free the lovely Gia, again from episode #2: The Wonder Of Leaning On Things.
Professor Brian Cox, general promotional shot for the BBC series Wonders Of The Universe.
People often follow me out of public lavatories and ask "How do you kiss so well? What’s your secret to kissing? Do you perhaps have a guide for kissing boys or girls on your website, for example?" and other similarly-framed, leading questions designed to please search spiders. My answer is usually "Why, no I don’t have such a guide but, yes, I am greatly-skilled in the art of kissing so, maybe, one day I will present a list of helpful hints and tips for those people worried about their first kiss, officer."
That day has come.
Kissing The Perfect Partner
Let’s suppose you’re interested in someone of the opposite or same sex and you’re thinking about kissing that person, hopefully within a scenario that hasn’t involved date rape drugs or a cosh-and-climbing rope combination abduction in the back of a van. You want that first kiss to be perfect. You want it to be a memorable kiss for both of you. You have unrealistic expectations.
To prepare you for the disappointment of the kiss you must first realise that there is a correlation between your height and that of your partner when determining how good the kiss can possible be. Ideally, there should be a small difference in your heights, enough for one to lean slightly up and the other to lean slightly down. If you discover that you are the same height as your prospective partner you might want to consider wearing platform shoes or investing in a home rack system. The following graph of relative heights for kissing partners and the highest expectation of a good kiss you should realistically hope for might clarify the situation:
Mouth Moisture
You might be nervous if this is going to be your first kiss. You might just be a nervous person anyway. Or maybe you’re a naturally dessicated person. Whatever the reason, it’s imperative that kissing be done with moist lips. A cracking texture is perfect for toast; it is less pleasant during mouth-to-mouth non-resuscitation. Wet your lips with your tongue or by drinking something just prior to kissing to ensure as soft and smooth a kiss as possible.
Caution! Do not grin while licking your lips. This has been demonstrated to spoil the mood somewhat unless your partner has a clown fetish.
Further Caution! Do not over-wet your lips prior to kissing. This has been demonstrated to spoil the mood somewhat unless your partner has a granny fetish.
Kissing Pressure
The situation will determine the correct pressure to apply when kissing. A very light, barely perceptible kiss brushing gently on the lips, almost breathing contact onto their surfaces can be extremely sensual or it may be your only option if you don’t want the other person to wake up. Fast, rough, hard kisses such as those you see in movies when actors and actresses are trying to convey passion do not actually occur in real life as, in real life, the body’s sense of self preservation in the tooth area overrules any carnal imperative to slam heads together at speeds approaching the sound barrier as a precursor to sexual shenanigans. Somewhere between the two extremes is more typical.
Parting The Lips
After moistness and pressure the next most important part of kissing is making sure that the lips are set right. Close up tight and your partner may think, correctly, that you are psychotic. Too far open and the natural instinct to run away from predators will kick in and ruin the experience entirely. Your lips should be parted slightly. Practice. You should be just unable to fit a pencil between your lips. Do not practice immediately prior to kissing unless you know that your partner enjoys the taste of wood and graphite.
Use Your Hands
Many people don’t really know what to do with their hands while they are kissing. Many other people think they know what to do with their hands while they are kissing but they are wrong and that sort of thing can get you jailed.
Holding the hands of your partner while you kiss can be very sweet but for a more passionate kiss try cupping your partner’s face within your hands. Hold or stroke their cheeks lightly or run your fingers through their hair and pull them towards you as you kiss. Do not pull them away from you. They don’t like that.
The neck is one huge erogenous zone, perfect for touching or kissing. Now you know why giraffes are always smiling.
The ears are very sensitive to touch. Stroke them or even kiss them gently. If it smells a bit waxy then don’t stick your tongue in, otherwise go for it. Try not to make slurping noises as this can deafen your kissing partner.
Advanced Kissing Techniques
Remember: there is more than one way to kiss. Thankfully. Otherwise you would kiss your partner the same way you kissed your father. That’s not good. Once you have mastered normal kissing you can experiment with the action to make the experience that bit more memorable:
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