Starbucks Coffee

Posted by Mark on May 15, 2013 | 6 Comments

Times are hard if you're a large chain of coffee shops still facing a bit of public backlash over tax avoidance. Do you just wait it all out, relying on the media to find something new to get their teeth into and the laziness and short memory of the average consumer? Or do you try something to entice the customers back from Costa? Do you, perhaps, provide free front row seats to the latest sport sweeping the nation: Giant Street Skittles? Do you hope that the lure of big names from boules crossing over into the high stakes street sport world will bring in the coffee-lovers in sufficient numbers to offset compensating families for the inevitable skittles-related fatalities?

No, you wait it out, of course.

For #WindowWednesday curated by +Cheryl Cooper +Jason Kowing +J.J. Bentley +Jules Falk Hunter 

Google+: View post on Google+

A Better World Is Possible

Posted by Mark on May 12, 2013 | 7 Comments

I'm always looking for ways to improve the world – sure, not everyone approves of my eugenics experiments and the way I recently tampered with the planet's grasses in an attempt to bioengineer flame-resistant cattle (I still firmly believe that ordering steak "well done" is one of the leading causes of unrest on Earth) – so I was immensely pleased to stumble upon a demonstration taking place in Manchester last weekend where it seemed they shared my ambitions.

I tried to determine just how it was that they were planning to improve things but couldn't spot a mad-scientist-looking individual amongst the throng. Eventually, though, I did see a gentleman holding up what appeared to be step one in the group's masterplan. I stopped him.

"Throw the tories out?" I asked him. "Interesting. Interesting. And then what? Robotic dictatorship? Benevolent… or otherwise?"

"Huh?"

I pointed at the paper he was holding. "Throw the tories out," I said, reading it out loud for him but adding a definite article as I felt it was missing one. "No population pacification through cloud-seeding flights? No regional competitions to win liberty points? Womb-based citizen training?"

"Yeah, throw the tories out," he agreed with a puzzled look.

"Is that it?" I asked.

"It's a start," he replied, flashing me a nasty smile.

I pondered his response for a second. "But then they'll be unemployed," I said. "That hardly seems like a better world at all. Who will fill the important niche role of a self-serving group of the barely tolerable heaping misery on the masses with scant regard for anyone else?"

"That's where the trade unions come in," he said.

I let him carry on with his march then and shook my head sadly. Their plan needed a new banner; one that read A World Very Much Like This One Is Likely might do the job. And lasers. A really good plan needs lasers.

Google+: View post on Google+

Queue

Posted by Mark on May 1, 2013 | 6 Comments

"Is this the queue for Iron Man 3?"

"I… Sorry? What?"

"Iron Man 3. Robert Downey Jr reprising his role as Tony Stark in a mechanical suit. Sequel to Iron Man and its follow-up, Iron Man 2. Iron Man 3."

"You're joking, right?"

"About what?"

"About this being the queue for Iron Man 3."

"No. Why?"

"A queue by the side of the road?"

"Yes."

"A couple of benches and us lot sitting here in the sun?"

"It's not that unusual."

"I think you'll find it is."

"I was only asking."

"What's going on George?"

"This lady here wanted to know if this was the queue for Iron Man 3."

"For what?"

"Iron Man 3. With Roger…"

"Robert!"

"…Robert, yes, Robert Downey Jr."

"Never heard of it."

"Apparently it's a sequel."

"Ooh! Did you tell her no?"

"Yes, Edna, I did tell her no. I told you no, didn't I?"

"Yes you did. Well, thank you for your time anyway."

"That's okay. Iron Man 3. How odd."

"Is she leaving?"

"Yes Edna."

"Didn't she want to see Star Trek Into Darkness then?"

"I forgot to ask."

Google+: View post on Google+

The Barber Shop Window

Posted by Mark on Apr 25, 2013 | 5 Comments

"And what can I do for you today, sir?"

"Just a little off the back and sides, and thin it out a bit, please."

"Certainly."

snip… snip…

"Lovely weather we're having."

"Mmmm, yes."

snip… snip…

"Going on holiday this year?"

"No, probably not."

"Understandable. The economy's still in a bit of a mess, isn't it?"

"You said it."

snip… snip…

"Okay then, that looks about right to me… any gel or wax on it?"

"Er, yes. Gel please."

"Gel it is."

"Ooh! That's cold!"

"Well, the testicles are very sensitive, sir."

"You're telling me. Well, thank you anyway. Lovely view out of this window."

"Many people say so. Would you mind giving me a hand up from the floor? I'm not as young as I used to be."

Google+: View post on Google+

Ask Me A Question

Posted by Mark on Apr 16, 2013 | 9 Comments

As the sign says: ask me a question.

I might even answer.

And the answer might contain some elements of truth.

But I wouldn't necessarily count on it.

Google+: View post on Google+

Free House

Posted by Mark on Apr 13, 2013 | 11 Comments

Free house? Tom stopped dead in his tracks. It was an enticing offer. Obviously, he already had a house – the one he shared with Linda, his wife of forty years – but who couldn't use a second one? Maybe he could get around to getting one of those mistresses he'd read about and setting her up in it. Or, naturally, he could always sell the building and use the proceeds on a sports car; that was something he didn't already have.

No, no, he thought to himself. I've come out for some stationery and that's all I'm going back with. And Tom resumed his slow shuffle towards the bus stop to wait for the number 84.

Behind the windows of the building two figures glanced at one another with looks of mild frustration on their faces. The taller of the two ran his fingers through the ice cubes floating on the surface of the water in the bathtub; his partner placed the surgical blade he'd been holding in anticipation back onto the tablecloth by his side. "That's four now," he said forcefully.

"Patience, Charles," the tall man replied quietly, shaking the cold water from this fingertips. "Someone will come in. Someone always comes in."

Google+: View post on Google+

A Warning From History

Posted by Mark on Apr 6, 2013 | 3 Comments

You've probably never heard of the Great Cutlery War if you're not an actual piece of cutlery, and even if you were a piece of cutlery with a Google+ account you may still never have heard of it as it was a dark period in the items' history; many knives and forks will still not mention this bloody period to their little teaspoons and sporks to this day.

You can imagine, therefore, that it took a great many meetings with lots of unsettling negotiating to finally get permission and funding for a memorial to this awful event and I was pleased to be there at the unveiling yesterday. The choice of sculpture – a reconstruction of the execution of paper cup traitors who sided with the plastic cutlery against the silverware in the Battle of Chichester Train Station – did not meet with everyone's approval, being seen as grisly by some or simply inappropriate by others. However,  I commend the artist for not producing something that celebrates war and, instead, shows what terrible things people – or cutlery in this instance – can do, no matter which side of the conflict they're fighting on. Traitors or heroes? Victors or barbarians? I think the ambiguity and thoughts that it provokes make it a fitting tribute and a powerful warning to future would-be-warmongers.

Google+: View post on Google+

Questions

Posted by Mark on Mar 27, 2013 | 11 Comments

"Hi, do you have a minute to answer a few questions?"

"That depends; are they about hats?"

"Hats? Oh, ha ha! No, no, nothing like that."

"Well that's good. I don't really know much about hats."

"No, these are questions about…"

"My wife, on the other hand, is quite knowledgeable where it comes to headwear. It's quite odd, really. I'm not sure why she knows the things she knows."

"Hmmm, that is odd, but, anyway, these questions aren't about hats at all."

"Then again, she has an irrational hatred of Peruvians – she considers them a deceptive bunch and it ires her immensely – and your hat looks like it's from that region."

"I see."

"She'd probably get quite agitated if she saw your hat, thinking you were a Peruvian. You're not a Peruvian are you?"

"I'm not a Peruvian, no."

"Mind, you'd probably deny it if you were on account of your deceptive nature."

"I… don't really know what to say to that."

"Never mind. I've got nothing against Peruvians anyway, so you can ask me anything."

"Excellent, I'll…"

"Just nothing about hats."

"It won't be about hats, I promise."

"Then fire away!"

"Great! Which would you prefer to wear: a trilby or a sombrero?"

"You said you wouldn't…"

"Por la gloria del Perú!"

Google+: View post on Google+