How do you stop a cat from peeing in the house?
No, that’s not the start of a joke.
You see, I have a cat and that cat – being an animal – expels fluid waste from its body using its teeny, tiny cat penis. Okay, maybe compared to other tabby cats the penis is a monster both in length and girth but I’m not prepared to do any research in that area. Suffice to say: it’s smaller than mine. Really. Beside the point, though. The point – if I remember correctly and dispense somehow of the image of cat genitalia in my mind at the moment – is that fluids, when they aren’t being regurgitated or drooled at the speed of light from one end of his furry body, instead prefer the option of ejection via the teeny, tiny penis. In itself, not a problem and I believe the method recommended by leading doctors. However – and the opening sentence may have given this away – he’s doing it in the house.
He’s not crapping in the house. For that he goes outside the back door roughly where a typical human might step should he or she decide to risk an excursion into The Garden Of Unearthly Horror™. He makes use of the cat flap we installed at great traumatic and sweary cost to ourselves.
But peeing: he’s taken to peeing just inside the cat flap. It’s a strip of concrete flooring so it has a few benefits:
- it’s not carpet like the now-torn-up and discarded dining room flooring ruined in a similar manner by his brother last year,
- it’s not a duvet cover like the one that was peed on last month by Feline Assailant Unknown But Very Much Suspected, said urine flowing with the power of gravity through the duvet, through the sheet, through the mattress, and onto the bedroom floor over the course of the day,
- it’s marginally less gruesome to clean up than that time one of my little darlings had a bad dream while sleeping on my lap and peed himself a little while digging one very sharp and probably infected claw through the tracksuit bottoms into a very sensitive area of my person as he shrieked himself awake.
I’m a cat lover. I’ve seen some of the search terms people already use to visit this site so I’ll just clarify that my love extends as far as warm feelings but no erections! This means I’m a good person. I don’t want to lock my cat outside the house. Our garden is not a pleasant place to be. I understand his reticence in spending any more time than necessary out there but I’ve got to come up with a solution to the issue.
So far, I’ve tried:
- explaining to him, British man to British man-cat, that this sort of behaviour is beneath him and he should really pull his socks up and do the decent thing,
- teaching him how to use the toilet and pointing out that the seat must be lowered afterwards as it’s bad feng shui/liable to lead to a clip around the ear from his mum who really doesn’t like that sort of thing,
- threatening him with corporal punishment (but he knows I wouldn’t really),
- threatening him with capital punishment (ditto),
- threatening him with tying a knot in the offending appendage (ditto; no man could do that to another),
- drawing a picture of him wearing a diaper to try to embarrass him into stopping,
- spraying and cleaning the concrete with numerous pungent liquids in the hope that he’ll want to vacate the area – as opposed to his bladder – as quickly as possible. Sadly, it now smells like an old lady fallen in a swimming pool, drying out her chlorine-lavender clothing in a whore’s boudoir and I almost look forward to the welcoming scent of ammonia that tells me he’s tried to cover the aroma with his own once more.
If anyone has any non-fatal, non-guilt-inducing tips to stop a cat peeing in the house then please forward them to me. Before I go mad, before I bankrupt myself buying kitchen towels and cleaning products, and before my fist-shaking and finger-pointing hand snaps at the wrist.
In other news …
This is the last update before the site is redesigned and relaunched. Backend coding is almost complete. There will be some new features and some not new features. Some old features may have rejuvenating creams applied to their wrinkled faces giving them a whole new look and some may suffer serious side-effects from botched botox injections leading to swelling, coma, death, and malpractice lawsuits a-go-go. Others still may be set adrift on PHP icebergs with a cheery farewell.
I’m considering implementing a system allowing other people to write on the site too, either to syndicate/promote their own site content to a wider audience (demographic studies indicate most of my readers – like me – are wide) or create their own. I’ll have to see if anyone wants to do that though. The new site look will include amazing Dark Text On Light Background™ technology with an awesome custom implementation of Font Sizing That’s Larger And Therefore Easier To Read™ because someone asked nicely.
Expect the changes within the next fortnight (*).
(*) Disclaimer: I’m a software developer. Fortnights can last up to nine months.
EDIT: Site redesign complete.