Say what you like about them – and be as derogatory as you like – but the Labour Party in England certainly know how to stick to their roots. Traditionally, Labour was the party of the people; the socialist party that wasn’t actually a Socialist party; the party that put the individuals and communities ahead of businesses and money-making; the bearded ones, and not just the men. Yes, they’ve been accused of standing up on their back trotters and becoming indistinguishable from their suited nemeses on the other side of the House of Commons in recent years, but every now and then they show that they’re still the same old party they once were. Sure, they’ve epilated their beards, but that’s a 100% natural cardigan they’re wearing.
Labour cares about the people. The people live in the environment. Labour cares about the environment. They do. Long before the Conservatives thought of adding a tree to their logo they had a rose! Admittedly a thorny one standing in steamy manure, but it’s still a bloody plant. Take that Cameron! Where was I?
The latest caring, sharing, touchy-feely, aah-inducing "idea" to help Mother Nature is carbon credit cards. No, they’re not made from carbon, silly! They’re made from non-biodegradable, polymerised chemicals.
The proposed "idea" is this: every person will be rationed to a certain amount of carbon usage per year. Each year the usage will reduce meaning that people will gradually become more environmentally-friendly. Planet Earth’s a winner! Everyone’s a winner!
Naturally, there are questions that need answering. Environment Secretary David Miliband wants me to answer them for you. David, you warm and friendly man, how could I refuse?
How will the carbon credit cards work?
They won’t! Haha! No, but seriously, there’s an outside chance they might so let’s all play along. Ideally, just like using your credit or debit card when you go shopping or using your new fake ID card when you’re stealing someone’s identity you’ll simply swipe your carbon credit card whenever you buy something or use some service. Services could include driving your car, using public transport, using a public restroom, eating in a cafe, having a pint, talking, sleeping, thinking, or deliberately not thinking. In a similar manner to supermarket loyalty card schemes your carbon usage will be added up on a year-by-year basis and you will be rewarded for being good. In Heaven.
What happens if I go over my yearly allowance?
No more carbon for you! You win a trip to the Disintegrator Booth.
Is the Disintegrator Booth carbon neutral?
Not yet, but sales of your constituent chemicals following disintegration will go towards research into making the booth greener.
How can I avoid going over my yearly carbon allowance?
It will be possible to buy excess carbon from thrifty people who have saved some of theirs up. On eBay before you ask. This system rewards those who are environmentally friendly by making them rich enough to purchase things which they won’t be able to use owing to a sudden lack of spare carbon points they’ve just sold.
Will other nations follow our lead?
Sweden might. The others? Not likely. Although this will mean that life in Britain will gradually become harder and less convenient for everyone and that businesses won’t be able to compete with those abroad and the quality of life will diminish and globally it won’t make a difference, in our hearts we’ll have the moral highground and we can all die snooty peasants. Doesn’t that sound like a goal worth living for?
Does this mean the government will track everything we buy and do?
Yes, but that’s purely a byproduct of the caring, environmental scheme and something we – as caring, environmental people – should simply accept as the small price to pay for being caring and environmental. If there was a system that didn’t involve tracking every single person every single second of every single day of their lives, don’t you think that the Labour Party would take it in a heartbeat?
How will the carbon credit card differ from the proposed car usage tracking scheme and ID card?
This is like comparing apples and oranges. The ID card will be used only to stop benefit fraud. And track everybody’s banking and employment habits and movement at the country’s borders. The car tracking scheme will be used only to reduce congestion. And track everybody’s movement inside the country. And the carbon credit card will only be used to lessen our impact on the Earth’s natural resources. And track and limit exactly what we do, watch, see, or think. There’s no overlap. Each system fulfills a different role that just coincidentally involves personal tracking and the stripping of privacy from the individual in each instance.
Is the carbon credit card scheme financially feasible?
Most definitely. Unless the government is somehow involved. Then it’s a neverending spiral of costs and delays until your aquatically-adapted grandchildren reach spawning age.
Is the carbon credit card scheme technically feasible?
Once you factor in an expanding population, the need to assign company carbon schemes on top of personal carbon schemes to offset the needs of different professions, the mass emigration of people permitted to leave the country with the new ID card, the complete lack of success of the government in doing anything ever, and the riots when it turns out that politicians are exempt from the entire scheme anyway plus the spending habits of everyone is being sold to an American marketing firm, then yes, sure, why not?, of course it’s feasible.
Are the Disintegrator Booths safe?
Statistically, they’re the safest form of disintegration around.