The story so far …
Our hero, Mark The Magniificent: Master Of Man Mammaries, along with midget wrestler sidekick Will Power, has taken it upon himself to battle the evil triumvirate of Dr Lovehandles, Professor Al Coholic, and Lecherous Lord Lazyarse.
At the conclusion of our last gut-wrenchingly beautifully-directed, written, and produced episode we witnessed Mark and Will Power crash over a cliff, locked in the glove compartment of a replica of Herbie The Love Bug. Fortunately, as this enthralling and exciting tale of terror continues we learn that Mark was able to construct a rudimentary oxyacetylene-powered glove compartment escape tunnel boring machine from the car’s coffee-ringed log book, a travel sweet stuck in the back where it had rolled out of the packet long ago and been melted by temperature extremes, and a leaflet offering the services of a roofer which someone had once kindly stuck under the windscreen wipers whilst under the delusion that car owners often sought the services of repairmen during their weekly shop at Sainsburys.
I’ve been noticing things since I’ve been on this health-binge. It’s not that my captured planetesimal has finally broken orbit due to reduced gravitational attraction. And it’s not my dangly bits and toes either. But yes, those too. What I’ve really been noticing are adverts for various foodstuffs geared towards people like me; people keen to make a bit of an effort in the early part of the year before the February depression sets in and the Day Of 10,000 Eclairs descends.
Take ‘Special K‘, for instance: advertised by a lithe, young thing in a swimsuit, suggesting that one bowl will make you – yes, you, fatty! – this thin! Ah, but they’re not allowed to really suggest that, are they? Hence the final smallprint: Can Help Weight Control As Part Of A Calorie-Controlled Diet.
Call me Senor Bleeding Obvious, but they may as well have put: Can Help Weight Control When Left Out Of Reach While Incarcerated In A Turkish Prison.
You never used to see these kinds of disclaimers on breakfast cereals when I was a kid. Ignore ‘Special K‘. We used to eat ‘Common Or Garden F‘ that simply suggested "Add milk to taste". On special occasions we might buy ‘Just Like All The Rest Q‘ but the only claim that ever made was "Consumption through ear canal not recommended.". Those were the days.
Since noticing these adverts I’ve been keeping tabs on all those that make ridiculous claims. If you look below this paragraph you’ll see the manner in which I’ve decided to bring them to your attention is a visual one.