Calorie Control

The story so far …

Our hero, Mark The Magniificent: Master Of Man Mammaries, along with midget wrestler sidekick Will Power, has taken it upon himself to battle the evil triumvirate of Dr Lovehandles, Professor Al Coholic, and Lecherous Lord Lazyarse.

At the conclusion of our last gut-wrenchingly beautifully-directed, written, and produced episode we witnessed Mark and Will Power crash over a cliff, locked in the glove compartment of a replica of Herbie The Love Bug. Fortunately, as this enthralling and exciting tale of terror continues we learn that Mark was able to construct a rudimentary oxyacetylene-powered glove compartment escape tunnel boring machine from the car’s coffee-ringed log book, a travel sweet stuck in the back where it had rolled out of the packet long ago and been melted by temperature extremes, and a leaflet offering the services of a roofer which someone had once kindly stuck under the windscreen wipers whilst under the delusion that car owners often sought the services of repairmen during their weekly shop at Sainsburys.

I’ve been noticing things since I’ve been on this health-binge. It’s not that my captured planetesimal has finally broken orbit due to reduced gravitational attraction. And it’s not my dangly bits and toes either. But yes, those too. What I’ve really been noticing are adverts for various foodstuffs geared towards people like me; people keen to make a bit of an effort in the early part of the year before the February depression sets in and the Day Of 10,000 Eclairs descends.

Take ‘Special K‘, for instance: advertised by a lithe, young thing in a swimsuit, suggesting that one bowl will make you – yes, you, fatty! – this thin! Ah, but they’re not allowed to really suggest that, are they? Hence the final smallprint: Can Help Weight Control As Part Of A Calorie-Controlled Diet.

Call me Senor Bleeding Obvious, but they may as well have put: Can Help Weight Control When Left Out Of Reach While Incarcerated In A Turkish Prison.

You never used to see these kinds of disclaimers on breakfast cereals when I was a kid. Ignore ‘Special K‘. We used to eat ‘Common Or Garden F‘ that simply suggested "Add milk to taste". On special occasions we might buy ‘Just Like All The Rest Q‘ but the only claim that ever made was "Consumption through ear canal not recommended.". Those were the days.

Since noticing these adverts I’ve been keeping tabs on all those that make ridiculous claims. If you look below this paragraph you’ll see the manner in which I’ve decided to bring them to your attention is a visual one.





Author: Mark

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  1. …not that I’m competitive or anything but…I wish superbowl night would come around soon so that I can start drinking the day after :^)…

    (anything you can do, I can do better :^P)

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  2. You’re competetive, huh? Okay then … did I mention I’m giving up sex for three years and will use the pogo as my preferred method of transportation until the day all journalists are shot.

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  3. "now with no added yak fat!!"

    briefly serious note (sorry)
    • eat all the fat you like but lose sugar — body is built to cope with fat, but sugar is a freak chemical (how many plants in the world produce sugar? 2). body’s only defence is to dump a major anabolic steroid (insulin) which then forces all the fat in the bloodstream to be taken up by the body’s cells. (also fucks with your cholesterol balance)
    • corn has teh same effect on your bloodstream — specialK has the same effect as eating the same weight as sugar.
    • ditto potatoes & 99% of english bread (go stoneground, if you can find it)
    • Detox!! Get this, it is different from all the others i’ve seen, and it fucking WORKS: Vogel’s Detox Box An old flatmate bought it, i loved the name and looked at what was in it, and was impressed.
    Give it a go.
    It even gives you a different tea to drink for 2 weeks!
    • Tea: Prince of Wales — get ye unto the Twinings shop on the Strand or ring them, and get PoW blend tea. Lovely. Much better than EG. And if you have the spare cash, the "Keemun Special Blend (loose)" is my favourite chillout tea in the world.
    • exercise QUICKLY rather than for long time. ie do 20 situps as fast as you can, rather than nx20 slow ones. do 60m sprints rather than run 2 miles. go for acceleration (once you’ve done enough exercise to wake your muscles up to protect your joints), rather than duration or "burn"
    not only is it much much easier/lazier to do, it’s much much better for you. eg ordinary english workout will lift metabolism for ~4-6 hours after. a high-intensity/high-acceleration one will lift it for 18 hours.
    You know it makes sense.

    /rant — i’ll get out of your way now

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  4. oh, and i’ve used it myself half a dozen times, hence the recommendation

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  5. Good information but I worry about detoxing. What if I get rid of a toxin that’s keeping something far more dangerous to my body at check? I might die and have to haunt health shops for the rest of eternity. Knocking over seaweed-based shampoos and rejuvenating shakes based on insects and amino acids wasn’t in my afterlife plan.

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  6. Mark, the best diet in the world is,

    1) Peanut Butter (spoon and tub of your choice is required, I preffer EXTRA CHUNKY for maximum flatulence)
    2) Water
    3) Vitamins
    4) Newports

    The End

    You will lose 10 lbs a week until you are a skeletal wreck! It worked for me. I lost 65 lbs. Seriously.

    BTW what’s with your boy over there dressing like a Nazi to impress the chicks.

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  7. Harry was attending a fancy dress party and foolishly decided to turn up in fancy dress. The fool! Wouldn’t have caused a stir if the media consisted of "journalists" reporting "actual news" but, sadly, there’s nobody left in the industry who doesn’t know that the primary goal is to sell newspapers and advertising and aid those who support the owners. Hence, the tabloids decided that getting rid of any details of no WMDs or spiralling violence before Iraq "elections" (bad for them in charge) / tsunami (old now) was too good to miss. Most of what you hear is made up: "considerable pressure for public apology" for instance never states who exactly is pressuring; our moonmen overlords perhaps? What they really want is another story to put on their front pages.

    Harry’s choice of outfit was in bad taste, maybe, but taste is subjective. Quite frankly, he’s perfectly entitled to actually be a nazi, should he choose. Others may not like it but that’s their tough luck. If you start to take the argument that "it’s offensive so we’ll report it" to its conclusion we’ll have to make sure fancy dress shops don’t sell cowboy outfits (offensive to native Americans), 70s pimp outfits (offensive to parents of overdosed prostitutes), jewish outfits (offensive to Palestinians), scientist outfits (offensive to fundamentalist Christians), hippy costumes (offensive to Republicans) etc.

    So-called "proper journalism" has lost its way and sadly toes the line between poor entertainment and propaganda these days.

    And thanks for your health suggestion: I’ve no idea what "Newports" is/are though but it sounds like the diet plan works in the same way as when I eat eggs and drink coke. That’s "clear a direct route to the bathroom NOW!" time.

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  8. Not being well versed in Her Majesties English I am only left to assume a "fancy dress party" would be considered a costume party here stateside. I really didn’t find that all too offensive taking into consideration one of my many S/Ns is HitlersLeftNut03. And not hardly ass offensive as a certain persons ASS YOU POSTED! ;(

    I just saw it as a blurb on one of our 10 million Celebrity Rag Shows. I generally DO NOT read/watch the news or care for that matter. You hit it right on it’s head when you referrered to news in most if it’s forms as "propaganda".

    As far as Newports go. They are my favorite delicacy (next to pounded flat script kiddies), which can be found at your local gas station. They are cigarettes. The nastiest of death sticks money can buy.

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  9. Managed to time looking at that post with eating my breakfast … yeurgh 🙁

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  10. …good luck tonight (as I type you’re 3-0 up)…after last night’s upset for me I’m going to stop being competitive :^)…

    …I’m just off for a quick pogo :^)…

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  11. Couldn’t believe how many chances the Jets had to win it and I was gutted they didn’t – the Steelers don’t look that formidable (famous last words) which is nice because we whooped the living crap out of Indy!!! Peyton who? Bwahahahahaha!

    Joy of joys – next week’s championship game won’t finish till around 3am – looks like next Monday’s a "sleep at your desk" day.

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  12. Mark, I understand you being a Pats fan and all but think about this. How much of a track meet would the superbowl have been if it were a "Falcons-Colts" matchup. The over under would be about 150 points. Pure entertainment. It would be the AFL and the CFL all rolled up into one game. The only reason I don’t want the Pats to win it is due to the BoSox winning the Series this year. If either the WhiteSox or the Cubs won a championship along with the Bears in the Bowl I belive it is written that the universe would cease to exist @ that very moment. Oh and the Steelers are gonna beat the crap out of the Pats. Get ready for the most physical game you have seen all year.

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  13. Steelers blitz-blitz-blitz versus Patriots versatility with a running game? No contest.

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  14. Steelers vs. Patriots
    Sunday October 31, 2004

    Patriots 20
    Steelers 34

    The Steelers still have the #1 power ranking in the league. And that’s on both sides of the ball. Just remember one thing, and this is what should keep you up at night, the Pats aren’t playing some dome team in their own element. They are on their way to the house of pain. This game will be decided by the "can you take what I take, endurance is the word" ruleset. The Steelers have been kicking Corey Dillon’s arse (see I’m learnin’) from back in his Bungle days. The Bus VS. Dillon, there is your "no contest".

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  15. I’ll go with …

    Patriots 27
    Steelers 10

    The Bus will get a few sacks – no doubt about it – but when they played earlier in the season, apart form the disastrous 1st quarter, I seem to recall the game playing fairly evenly scorewiese after that. Of course, the Pats only ran for something stupid like 6 yards all game which explained the 1st quarter. Now it’s a different story. More possession, longer possession, plus Belichick’s God-like Powers Of Awesome NFL Tacticology!!! equals defeat for the Steelers team that struggled against the Jets.

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  16. I think I might have spun you a bit. The Bus is Jerome Bettis. The Steelers 280 lb half back and 5th all time rusher in NFL history. It is agreed that Mr. Belichick is a tactical wizard, however he will be no match for Mr. Cower’s grimace and his protruding chin alone will give the Steelers a 3 point cushion. This game also will have little or nothing to do with tactics. It will be a slug fest from begining to end. Kinda like the movie Roadhouse, exept without Patrick, and that old guy from Mask. My prediction…….

    Patsies 9
    Steelers 12

    That on a last second field goal by Bill Cowers Chin!
    Oh and I believe the Steelers led the league in team rushing. So good luck there.

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  17. The stupid thing is: I knew who The Bus was but for some reason thought he was on D.

    However: that chin … my other half is convinced one of his parents was a muppet. He just has that look about him.

    I now predict Belichick will surprise and confuse everyone by playing Brady as the lone ILB with Vinatieri on Safety duty and everyone else on the sideline drinking. Convinced that some devious plan is in place and not wanting to look like a chump Big Ben will spike the ball on every possession (including once in the end zone for a safety) and the dying seconds will see a Vinatieri field goal of 78 yards (wind assisted).

    Patriots 5
    Steelers 0

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  18. I just noticed you marked my site as "safe". I’ll get you for that!

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  19. Update and prove me wrong. I dares ya. I double dares ya.

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