While I and my other half slept an intruder entered our house. The intruder came in through the front door and was either a locksmith or had a copy of our keys. The intruder stole equipment from my house and then left, closing – but not locking – the door afterwards.

That’s the sort of carelessness that could let another intruder in!

Strangely, the door is new (under 9 months old), uPVC, with a Euro 5-point lock. Our old door was wood, warped, and could be pushed open by a butterfly alighting on the locking mechanism during summer months. But now we get broken into. If I was a suspicious person I’d be suspicious right about … now.

We did not forget to lock the door. Even if we had, merely closing the door requires a key to open it. And we did not forget to close the door either.

But enough of the woeful blogging. Who wants to hear woeful blogging?

Crime!What can you do to prevent burglaries?

According to the police, there are a number of things you can do to reduce burglaries:

  • live in poverty – burglars have hearts or something and respect the personal space of the poor,
  • don’t advertise your expensive things – a burglar’s ire rages at the showiness of those who work hard and reward themselves,
  • keep your toilet seat down – burglars are drawn to the smell of wee,
  • stop reporting the burglaries – they’re only doing it because it’s fashionable.

As with most aspects of modern policing these guidelines are rubbish. It should not be up to the individual to reduce the risk of being burgled; rather it is society as a whole that needs to make burglary less appealing to the thick-browed. But how?

The neOnbubble Anti-Burglary Initiative

The current system of picking up offenders with stolen goods, giving them a talking to, picking them up again with stolen goods, giving them a community service order, picking them up again with stolen goods, warning them it’s their last chance and fining them, picking them up for not paying the fine and increasing the fine, picking them up for not paying the increased fine and being in possession of stolen goods, giving them an increased fine and another community service order, … and so on for three years until a jail sentence of around two weeks is deemed necessary doesn’t work.

I propose a new system which I call the Maiming Of The Face system.

The Maiming Of The Face system works by maiming the face of perpetrators.

A first-time burglar, for instance, would be given a surgical hair-lip and have the word CUNT tattooed onto his/her forehead. Cuntheads would then not be allowed on public transport, into cinemas, shops, libraries, etc. and it would not be an offence to run one over in your car should they dare to cross a busy road. At the end of the sentence – say, one year for first-time burglary, two for vandalism – the tattoo would be removed as well as technically possible. The physical maiming – hair-lip, Paris Hilton eye, triple-width filtrum, double bum-chin, etc. – would be left for the offender to sort out at their own cost and convenience.

Cuntheads would be checked at regular intervals – five times daily seems about right – to make sure they had not attempted to remove or cover their Social Crime Recognition Identifying Marks. Violators and repeat offenders would be subject to the second level of punishment which I call the Removal Of The Face system.

The Removal Of The Face system works by removing the face of perpetrators.

A parade of the faceless around schools until the feature-deficient starve to death then ensues. Faces are donated to medical and cosmetic scientists. The Fear is instilled in the young. Everyone wins.

Author: Mark

Share This Post On


  1. I assume that locks have been changed now as a precaution. Personally because I’m a paranoid old sod if I have any doors fitted by a firm I replace the locks immediately anyway. Only takes one thieving git.

    Post a Reply
  2. Yes, locks changed. And man-trap deployed. Plus bear in secret alcove.

    Post a Reply
  3. Me personaly, I think your cat had more to do with it than you think. It has recently come to my attention Cats are secrectly running the Internet these days. The proof is the amount of Blogs per capita and the alarming rate of growth experienced therein. I’ll be putting my theory to the test shortly and would emplore you to do the same.

    First start by asking your pussy a few questions. Keep it polite for about the first hour or so, THEN START TURNING THE SCREWS! Your freindly little feline will crack and eventually show its true colors before long. If that doesn’t work just hit the shitball in the head with a hammer. Your material possessions will still remain unrecovered but hell the age old question will be answered: Yes, a cat, in fact, will blink when hit in the head with a hammer.

    BUY A DOG! Bears can be easily distracted when they start believing their own bullshit. Take my word for it.

    And, yes, noone wants here your "woeful blogging", even though we are reading it. Comes across as a bit whiney. Creep.

    Post a Reply
  4. I usually just leave a loaded shotgun by my door so that if someone were to break in, they’d be more than obligated to hunt me down in my room and shoot me with the gun. The minute I feel the first round of birdshot enter my vital organs, I will be instantly alerted to the presence of an intruder and will now be able to retal…err, wait, I don’t think I’ve thought this all the way through.

    Be back in a bit…

    Post a Reply
  5. I tend to agree with Malice – no one wants to hear (or read) a grown man whine. A violent diatribe is a far more appropriate response for the pathetic inadequacy a man must feel after sleeping like a baby whilst his house is emptied during the night. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, from what Malice says it sounds like an inside job. Cat burglaries are on the increase – it’s our own fault, for fitting flaps in our doors that these feline felons can slip through and into our houses in the dead of night. Only last week I purchased a rather nice (and extremely competitively priced) second hand stereo for my car from the Tabby a few doors down. Upon reflection, perhaps I’m contributing to the problem of petty crime with my eye for a bargain.

    Post a Reply
  6. Cheeba, your idea showed promise but lost direction. I would suggest you keep an empty shotgun by the front door and a loaded one by your bed. When the burglar feels obligated to shoot you – awakening you from your fitful slumber with the click of the hammer on an empty chamber (a burglar would never think to check it’s loaded first) imagine your joy as you reach for your nearby loaded variant and blow the ridiculous look of bewilderment off his face. You should also immediately achieve Maiming Of The Face and with luck Removal Of The Face – saving the Crown Prosecution Service the legal fees involved in pursuing the case.

    Post a Reply
  7. Well, Grazor, I think I might have been a bit too harsh on young Mark in regards to his pseudo hissy fit. Look, we all know how unsettling it is to wake one fine morning after a good night’s rest to find our possessions gone missing with no visible signs of forced entry. How such a thing can be done without your knowing or what might have occurred if in fact this perpetrator had a taste for over weight, bad toothed, presumably balding mid 30’s man love and the resulting scars that might come of it. I say count your blessings because if I were in such I situation I don’t think I could resist at the very least drawing a few well placed peni on your forehead knowing full well not much could interrupt your dreams of snapping pictures of Ann Coulter in a Rotten Cunt Cream ad to be featured in the Telegraph.

    All that being said I still think, given the evidence put forth in the blog part of this program, this perp’ is within your own ranks. The kindly locksmith who fitted your new door’s locks would definitely be the first person who should be questioned in regards to this. BUT, what are the chances of a decent hard working Englishman pulling off such an obvious and blatant breach of trust considering it is what he does for a living? I say little or none. It would be like a beautician rubbing ass cream under your eyes for a good snicker. No, I think you are being blinded by your own fragile emotions which is not uncommon in cases like this. Just don’t be all too surprised when you go to change your dear Fluffie’s cat box and find a secret compartment underneath with a control center, that oddly enough contains all of your wondrous technology, used as a relay station for this not-so-underground feline movement to take over these Internets and control their owners to do such things such as ohhhhhh BLOGGING ABOUT HOW YOU GOT JACKED! It’s how it all starts you know. That’s all I’m sayin’.

    P.S. If your 50’’ Plasma was part of this crooks booty I say get liquored up as much as your constitution will allow, buy a Dan Wesson Shotgun, and shoot every motherfucker within 200 yards of your residence. Then blame the cat.

    Post a Reply
  8. No, the 50" plasma is safe. Probably because it’s a bit difficult to run down the street with one. Note to me: buy BIG and HEAVY from now on. In fact, the only thing nicked was the laptop, case, and accessories kept in the living room. About a grand and a half in total. Didn’t bother with the DVD/hard disk recorder, ignored the mobile phones, missed a small pile of money (coins and notes), didn’t get as far the hallway where my camera and lenses were all stored either. Bizarre. Does lend credence to the theory that the cat merely wanted the laptop for himself though. But he’s got such a trustworthy face.

    Post a Reply
  9. Good to see you come around. Let the punnishment fit the crime. May I?

    Post a Reply
  10. BREAKING NEWS: I think we might have found your wayword locksmith Sir Bubble of Portsmouth! Please pass along my apologies to your cat. If you have already consumated the head crushing well then don’t I feel embarassed.

    Post a Reply
  11. Malice – am I correct in assuming the reddish-brown stains on that sledge hammer are in fact blood, and not just a disappointingly boring bloom of rust? I have to say, the weapon looks delightfully well-used, the tool of a true craftsman one might say…

    Post a Reply
  12. I got carjacked in South Africa last week, so I know how you feel.

    At least you didn’t have a gun in your face while holding your kid.

    Even worse was trying to get the fucking UK Consulate to give us temporary passports. They insisted on us finding R2700 in cash and bringing it in to them (in the middle of Cape Town).

    Post a Reply
  13. I think you win on the terror front there Drf. Mine was just a sinking feeling of thinking "someone’s been in the house". Yours was more of a seat-wetting time. At least it would have been for me. And the actions of the consulate is truly appalling.

    Post a Reply
  14. Yes, the immediate terror is there when you are actually confronted by someone who has a weapon and will use it without the slightest provocation, but at least we could leave. The people whose house we were staying in were more freaked out than we were.

    Did you have any sh!t with your insurers? Ours suddenly want receipts for everything…

    Post a Reply
  15. Yes, there’s a problem with the insurers since I’ve got no proof of purchase for the stolen laptop – I bought it off my brother and the receipt was long gone even then – plus there was no sign of forced entry and nothing else was taken. Long story short: I’m out of luck. Just bought a shiny, new replacement and am taking extra precautions with this one.

    Post a Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *