While I and my other half slept an intruder entered our house. The intruder came in through the front door and was either a locksmith or had a copy of our keys. The intruder stole equipment from my house and then left, closing – but not locking – the door afterwards.
That’s the sort of carelessness that could let another intruder in!
Strangely, the door is new (under 9 months old), uPVC, with a Euro 5-point lock. Our old door was wood, warped, and could be pushed open by a butterfly alighting on the locking mechanism during summer months. But now we get broken into. If I was a suspicious person I’d be suspicious right about … now.
We did not forget to lock the door. Even if we had, merely closing the door requires a key to open it. And we did not forget to close the door either.
But enough of the woeful blogging. Who wants to hear woeful blogging?
What can you do to prevent burglaries?
According to the police, there are a number of things you can do to reduce burglaries:
- live in poverty – burglars have hearts or something and respect the personal space of the poor,
- don’t advertise your expensive things – a burglar’s ire rages at the showiness of those who work hard and reward themselves,
- keep your toilet seat down – burglars are drawn to the smell of wee,
- stop reporting the burglaries – they’re only doing it because it’s fashionable.
As with most aspects of modern policing these guidelines are rubbish. It should not be up to the individual to reduce the risk of being burgled; rather it is society as a whole that needs to make burglary less appealing to the thick-browed. But how?
The neOnbubble Anti-Burglary Initiative
The current system of picking up offenders with stolen goods, giving them a talking to, picking them up again with stolen goods, giving them a community service order, picking them up again with stolen goods, warning them it’s their last chance and fining them, picking them up for not paying the fine and increasing the fine, picking them up for not paying the increased fine and being in possession of stolen goods, giving them an increased fine and another community service order, … and so on for three years until a jail sentence of around two weeks is deemed necessary doesn’t work.
I propose a new system which I call the Maiming Of The Face system.
The Maiming Of The Face system works by maiming the face of perpetrators.
A first-time burglar, for instance, would be given a surgical hair-lip and have the word CUNT tattooed onto his/her forehead. Cuntheads would then not be allowed on public transport, into cinemas, shops, libraries, etc. and it would not be an offence to run one over in your car should they dare to cross a busy road. At the end of the sentence – say, one year for first-time burglary, two for vandalism – the tattoo would be removed as well as technically possible. The physical maiming – hair-lip, Paris Hilton eye, triple-width filtrum, double bum-chin, etc. – would be left for the offender to sort out at their own cost and convenience.
Cuntheads would be checked at regular intervals – five times daily seems about right – to make sure they had not attempted to remove or cover their Social Crime Recognition Identifying Marks. Violators and repeat offenders would be subject to the second level of punishment which I call the Removal Of The Face system.
The Removal Of The Face system works by removing the face of perpetrators.
A parade of the faceless around schools until the feature-deficient starve to death then ensues. Faces are donated to medical and cosmetic scientists. The Fear is instilled in the young. Everyone wins.