Bikers on bikes – motorised or pedal-powered – and drivers in cars have never got on with one another. Unless you count the short-lived coalition against personal blimp pilots. We showed them then. Die blimponauts, die! Good days. A long time ago. Now … nature’s natural order has reasserted itself.
Bikers are a vociferous bunch. You often read them on the internet or in the letters page in the local newspaper complaining about cars on the roads. The reason for this frequent venting is obvious: their underwear rises up their cracks as they weave in and out of traffic violating as many road rules as possible. This causes pressure on the sphincter, a source of much fury. From experience. Trust me.
My right to reply to bikers follow. Bikers don’t seem to realise that when cars sideswipe them it’s their own fault. A biker is fair game to retaliation under the following circumstances:
The red light means "stop". It does not mean "edge forward slowly across the junction looking for a space and zip across if there’s no sign of the police". Nor does it mean "quick, mount the pavement and cycle across the pedestrian crossing". Speaking of pedestrian crossings …
The word "pedestrian" has its root in the latin word ped meaning "foot". A crossing for pedestrians is a crossing for those on foot. Walkers, runners, hoppers; they all count. Cyclists don’t. Even if you use pedals. Why? Because there are pedals in cars too. Ever seen a car driving across a crossing? No! They walk! So should you.
When a car approaches a junction the car driver will slow down and check to see if any traffic is coming before pulling out. This makes sense and is the leading reason why there are not piles of rusting, twisted metal on every corner of every road. Cyclists do not do this when they are turning with the flow of traffic. Cyclists cause cars to swerve out even if there was no danger of actually hitting the cyclist and that leads to the possibility of a collision with oncoming traffic and a hubcap catapulting through the air decapitating a single mother. Her pushchair will then roll down an incline onto train tracks. Carnage! So, stop and wait for a gap at junctions, won’t you?
The pavement is a raised area for pedestrians to walk on. We’ve met pedestrians before. Sometimes, there are marked areas on the pavement for cyclists to ride upon. At each end of these "cycle lanes" are lowered kerb areas where the cyclist should rejoin the road. The process of hopping on and off the pavement at will – to avoid stationary cars or cut out a junction – is the human equivalent of waving a red flag at a bull. We’re the bulls. We’ve got horns. They beep.
Undertaking is frowned upon. Get in a car and undertake a police car. They hate that. Especially when you wave while eating a sandwich. Undertaking while on a bike or motorbike is incredibly dangerous. What would happen if the driver was pushing a carjacker out of the passenger seat at the exact moment of undertaking? Carjacker neck juice on the bike’s tyres, reduced braking ability, sliding crash into a tanker of toxic chemicals, pouring into the sewer system, mutant alligators in the schools! In the interests of road safety it is a car driver’s responsibility to remove from the road any other users who are acting dangerously. A quick flick of the steering wheel does the job nicely.
Driving along dimly-lit roads at dusk in road-coloured clothing with no lights on renders you invisible. That’s what we claim anyway. Why would you make it easy for us to lie to the police? Why? You fiends!
Motorbikers and cyclists often claim "waah! waah! give us more room on the road! treat us like a car! baby wants bottle! I pooped!" and so on. Yes, they want to be treated like cars. Cars that squeeze through lanes of still traffic knowing that doors can be opened at any moment. Cars that drive two or three-abreast along lanes. Those would be imaginary cars making those bikers imaginary too. And you can’t possibly hurt something imaginary.
Revenge is a dish that those of good taste prefer to eat while cold. When you’re in a car, though, wreaking of vengeance is perfectly acceptable during violently hot rages thanks to the miracle of air conditioning. Of course, there are plenty of methods of "cyclist re-education" out there, so what’s best for you?
The Steering Wheel
The steering wheel is your best friend against undertakers and those who’ve just come out of junctions without looking. You don’t have to swerve in quickly but a gentle "coming across" and deliberate slowing down works wonders. With practice you can slow down a cyclist to such an extent they no longer have enough momentum to stay upright. Hilarious!
Keep your windscreen washer jets free from dirt and topped up with concentrated washer fluid and "accidentally" dampen the biking enthusiasm of any cyclist who annoys you. The face is a good target but practice your shooting and you’ll find immense satisfaction can be had with a devastating splash to the crotch.
A simple and cheap addition to your car will give you and other motorists endless fun. Cheese wire on a coil with a hook attached to the passenger’s side mirror allows other drivers you’re next to in queues to reach out and extend a deadly booby trap to anyone who wants to jump the queue and pass between your vehicles. What have they done to deserve avoiding the wait the rest of us must put with? Sure, that helmet makes them look silly but that’s not enough, damnit.
A stick mounted on the dashboard gives you and a passenger numerous ways to halt a vile biker in his/her path. A thwack to the head is so rewarding and great for releasing tension but for extra enjoyment why not take turns at poking your stick in the wheel of a passing cycle or motobike and seeing how far the cyclist or biker flies? Can you beat forty three feet?