I was recently alerted to the fact that a reference to this site had been made in the Channel 4 series Dark Side Of Porn. To viewers of that particular – by all accounts badly-made, politically biased, much complained-about – programme, there was a reference made to the amount of hardcore pornographic imagery easily available on the internet and numerous claims of the evil of such hardcore pornography and the damage it does to the people who hate it so much they spend all day trying to find it and complain about it. Examples of the type of sexual lifestyles which certain alleged "journalists" on the programme thought should be held to be on a par with child pornography included bestiality and necrophilia and it’s here that there was a brief glimpse of a search engine result showing this site’s strong views on necrophilia for all: Necrophilia For Beginners.
But oh! the shame of not having a bestiality article to be falsely used as supporting evidence for something! Time to remedy that.
So, you’re thinking about branching out into the exciting world of bestiality …
Bestiality: Inny Or Outy?
In traditional sexual relationships that take place between two people, regardless of gender, one person is the "male" and one is the "female"; one is the keymaster and the other the gatekeeper; one is the train driver and the other is in charge of keeping the tunnel free from debris and only allowing one or maybe two trains at a time inside. When you’re making your mind up about become a fully-fledged bestialonaut you might want to decide early on whether you’re a straddler or a side-saddle rider.
HANDY HINT! One of the two groups is significantly more likely to end up in hospital having their x-ray passed around for a laugh.
Bestiality: Sex Or Love?
Bestialitioners are frequently portrayed as heartless, cruel, perverse, cold, and evil and yet are rarely invited to stand for Parliament. Yet, as with all walks of society, there are splits between those who enjoy whatever sex they enjoy because they enjoy sex and those who truly love whoever, whatever, or whichever they’re having sex with. If you feel you could love and have real feelings for, or if you already harbour those emotional wellings for an animal partner you should take care to ensure that your love can be reciprocated. Unrequited love from the animal kingdom can be the hardest thing to suffer through after being shunned by plants and aggressively fended-off by mineral formations.
Bestiality: Can Your Animal Love You?
An inexhaustive list for obvious reasons. Those being that I’ve not got space rather than I’m not animal worldly-wise which I am. Yes, I do know the ways of the rainbow trout.
- Dog · Dogs are often called "man’s best friend" but I know for certain that I on no account and under no circumstances in this universe want at all to have that sort of love from my best friend. That particular form of love from your best friend can ruin the relationship and you really shouldn’t go down this particular alley. You could always secretly date a neighbour’s dog though and I recommend an Afghan Hound as, if caught, you can claim you thought it was Gwyneth Paltrow,
- Octopus · What feels like love is merely an autonomic reaction to grip with all its might. The first time you’re pecked with the beak and had ink sprayed in your wound you’ll realise this for certain,
- Moth · The moth will be grateful it was saved from the clutches of Mr Arachnid but moths suffer from many more mental problems proportionally than any other animal due to flying into lightbulbs and paranoia is prevalent. For a while you two will be happy but soon your winged companion will suspect you and spider colluded in order to trap it and enforce affections and one night it will spike your cocoa and watch you die in your sleep,
- Tapeworm · This member of the class Cestoda will truly love you but it’s the sort of love that’s conditional, fickle and dependent on what you have to give in return. You may think that what you have is enough but there will always be someone with a filthier stomach lining and she’ll leave you in a heartbeat or possibly a bowel movement or botched tattooing,
- Cow · They have rubbery udders but soulless eyes. There is a void where emotions should be and your life will ebb away just looking into their reflectionless depths.
Bestiality: The Dangers Of Bestiality
In this world where the hilariously allegedly moral high ground has been taken by the religiously intolerant and socially frigid the act of Bestial Lovepumping is frowned upon and there are severe punishments for anyone caught ranging from fines to finger-wagging and up to being prayed for. However, there are more material risks to this lifestyle choice than simply upsetting the uptight.
- Furballs · If you’ve ever seen a cat cough up a furball or owl pellet then you’ll know it’s not a pleasant sight, looks like it feels as bad, and most often occurs on clean bed linen or the carpet rather than a good hard, easily-washable surface like the kitchen floor. Well, fur doesn’t just get trapped in the throat when you’re a bestialologer and if you suffer a choking fit out of your back passage or, God forbid!, your front back passage the last thing you’ll be thinking about is "must squat over the linoleum",
- Jealousy · It’s a dog-eat-dog and walrus-slobber-walrus world out there and what drives most creatures is continuance of the species through sexual domination. It’s understandable, then, that you could quite easily become the target of serious retribution should you woo away one animal from prospective mates. Be particularly wary of pandas who have been known to fashion blowpipes from bamboo,
- UFOs · Taboos in society mean that more often than not that tender, private moment between you and your significant(ly different) other can only come about in the middle of a field at around 2 in the morning. Coincidentally, this is the exact location and time favoured by out-of-this-world visitors when plucking up Terran species to examine. Once probed aboard the extraterrestrial spaceship it is likely that you will be forced to continually mate with your partner until pregnancy occurs so that the process can be adequately examined. You will only be returned to Earth when your partner dies so try to avoid Galapagos turtles.