Awful Music Videos

This is a post about awful music videos. The good thing about the rise in streaming video sites these days – apart from the increased exposure of the world to the inanity of teenagers with webcams – is that this particular post can not only talk about music videos that are truly, desperately terrible, it can link to them as well. Hell! It can embed them! What a wondrous age we live in!

Let’s get on with it …

The Buggles – Living In The Plastic Age

Really quite probable video pitch:

"I’m drawn to the word plastic. I’m thinking: plastic! And lots of it! And rubber gloves!"

"Rubber gloves? They’re not plastic."

"Trust me, they’ll look plastic on film. And it’s futurey, just like the whole idea of the song: living in the plastic age. Futurey."

"It’s about modern living, not future living."

"Futurey living."

"Ookaayy. Look, fine, plastic sounds good. What else?"

"You’ve used sparklers to frighten old people at Halloween, right? Picture this: superimposed sparklers using seamless blue screen technology! That’s an expensive special effect. Very futurey."

"Superimposed sparklers and special effects are two phrases that don’t go together. Fine. I guess we can afford it. That all?"

"I’ve got a job lot of tinted safety goggles. Can let you use them in the video for cost."

"Why?"

Shakin’ Stevens – You Drive Me Crazy

Official record of video idea discussion:

"Look ‘ere boyo! I’m sick and tired of being portrayed as someone grannies love. I want a harder edge. I want danger! I want class! I want people to envy me and say ‘Oh, that Shaky! He’s so rugged and hunky!’ Do I make myself clear?"

"Okay. Try this: glamorous women all over the place! Not a granny in sight!"

"I like it! Can we afford it?"

"Photos of glamorous women all over the place!"

"That sounds cost effective. That’s the style taken care of. What about the rough, chiselled edge?"

"The story to this is: you’re a house intruder! Maybe a mansion intruder!"

"That does sound scary and manly. Boys you’ve excelled yourself! Anything else?"

"Steve Davis is very popular. I think we can work a snooker table into the video storyline somewhere."

"I feel a number one coming on!"

Sister Sledge – Frankie

Let’s transport ourselves back to whenever the hell they thought up this awful video idea:

"Listen girls, long-lost, forgotten love … I like it, it’s what I would have come up with. We’re thinking along the same lines. That’s good. But … harassing someone at every stage to try to get them to remember you? That’ll be a little tough to get right unless we work in a comedy element. Are you okay with that?"

"WE. ARE. FAMILY! We agree with you director!"

"That is so scary when you all sing together. Don’t do that again. Anyway … for the role of Frankie I’ve got some possibles. What do you think of this one? A young Mexican guy, good looking, tan will look great on film."

"WE’RE LOST IN MUSIC!"

"Jesus H. Christ! I take it that’s a no. Here’s the next one: blond, blue eyes, great muscle tone; could work as a beefy gardener, maybe a spoilt rich kid. Hey! Maybe he fell overboard and hit his head!"

"WE’RE LOST IN MUSIC!"

"Holy Mother of … right … athletic, black Adonis. I’m picturing a basketball setting, maybe with a …"

"WE’RE LOST IN MUSIC!"

"For fu … well okay then … you don’t like those … okay, try this: he’s in his sixties, overweight, kinda gormless-looking. I bet he’d look good in shorts. What about a doddery mailman? Ha! Hey, we can work in Frankie and franking the post. Haha! No, okay, let’s get back to …"

"HE’S THE GREATEST DANCER!"

"You can’t be serious."

Miami Sound Machine – Dr Beat

Gloria and the video director sit down for a chat:

"Gloria Estevez! Any chance of getting Emilio or Charlie or Martin to appear in the video, haha!?"

"Eet ees Estefan."

"Oh. Right. Okay, onto page eight of the ideas then. I’m thinking a literal feel to this video is right. You really do have a fever which you can’t control and you need a doctor. Huh?"

"Si, that sounds good. I will check weeth the Machine but I like it."

"Brilliant. We can set it around a hospital … night scene because it’s a peppy song … emergency vehicles with lights …"

"Oh si, and the lights they can look like a disco, si?"

"You got it honey! Dancing feet, danger, and a doctor who saves you, perfect, done."

"Who weel play the doctor?"

"Well, my brother has always wanted to get into films so I thought him. Here’s a picture …"

"Aaaghhh! Madre de dios! He scares mee! Hees face! Aiiiee!"

"That’s a birthmark and I’ll thank you not to mention it in his presence little Miss superstar. Hey, he’s growing a moustache. You can hardly see the mark."

"Get eet away! Get eet away!"

Feel free to add your own awful music videos in the comments. Just post the link to the Google Videos or YouTube page and the site will embed the video for you. By magic!

For example, just type in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blrcrt9p7ss and you’ll get an embedded video of Kelly Marie’s ‘Feels Like I’m In Love’ at the click of a button! Wow!

"We look gay."

"You’re not gay. Your motivation is you’re the slices of bread around a Kelly Marie sandwich. That’s not gay."

"We look gay."

"There’s nothing gay about dancing sailors, okay?"

"We look really, really gay."

Author: Mark

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7 Comments

  1. Those were scary, yet I seem to remember them being popular. Perhaps I can use that time machine to go and…never mind.

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  2. Lycra plus lycra plus lycra plus roller disco plus octagenarian in leather plus overcast car park =

    Cliff Richard and Wired for sound

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  3. Good catch Jenny. The Prince of Pop cavorting with "teh youth" on wheels. Video ideas man B. L. Zebub was the brains there methinks.

    OB: Sure, they were popular but that’s because we didn’t have a choice back then. The Black Death was popular. Nowadays, people prefer Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s all about the choice.

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  4. pmsl @ the background info.top notch

    why not try ABC and the Look of love?

    a case of twenty ideas and nobody brave enough to pick just one. what the hell is going on here?

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  5. I’m just glad that none of MY bands made their way in here. And I won’t be mentioning them. Just in case. Ahem.

    Why do I seem to remember Wang Chung having a similarly horrific ABC-esque video??

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