You may (or may not) remember that I’ve explored the letters page of Total TV Guide magazine (my preferred weekly guide to the days where I can complain that there’s nothing on television) before on this hallowed ground (disclaimer: neonbubble.com has never been consecrated) here: Total TV Guide Letters.
Since that time the letters to the editor have been rather disappointingly normal and my reputation for shouting in checkout queues has diminished to the point of legend. Nevertheless, there was one letter this week that I felt I ought to address.
Dear Martin Blackburn of West Yorkshire,
Everyone likes Professor Brian Cox. Everyone. Even, I suspect, your wife, which is probably the catalyst for your decision to write in to a television listings magazine. Is he on her Five Famous People list? Don’t pretend you don’t know what the list is; you know. It’s okay Martin, you can tell us. Brian’s on everyone‘s Five Famous People lists. Your wife, his wife, my wife, me, you, everyone. You’re thinking: how can he be on everyone’s Five Famous People lists at the same time? It’s called “spooky action at a distance” and if it’s too difficult to understand then try writing into the BBC and we’ll see if they can’t conjure up a one-off programme on BBC2 to explain it for you hosted by, oooh, I don’t know, maybe, oooh, a charming northern professor of physics perhaps.
Now, you don’t seem to like that he’s on TV on a lot of seemingly disparate programmes with no connection. But Martin… you like all these programmes too. There is a connection. Don’t you see that you and Brian share a bond of interests? You’re seeing him as a rival but you should be seeing him as a kindred spirit. You like music, he likes music. You like baked trout, he likes baked trout. That’s two of you that like baked trout. And if you let your wife have her way then your connection is strengthened that much more again.
You say you don’t like his floppy hair and soppy voice. Well Martin, you’re from West Yorkshire and I know you’ve added that line in to sound manly like a man’s man from Yorkshire should sound. But you’re also writing letters to Total TV Guide. Your reputation is shredded. Give it up Martin. Release.
Don’t hate Professor Brian Cox Martin, and don’t hate your wife for picking someone she gets to watch on TV a lot. You had your chance too. It’s nobody’s fault that Thora Hird died. Get over it.
P.S. His teeth aren’t polished; years of working near a particle accelerator have given them a natural radiance.