Do you have one of the exciting new range of Animalarm™ alarm clocks from neOnbubble Biotoxin Delivery & Clocks Division? I just couldn’t live without my Silver Tabby Cat model. It’s currently set to "Surprise Me!" which means my mornings start with something excitingly random from this list of joyous get-out-of-bed alert settings:

AnimalarmThe Yawn Of Unearthly Delights
The SAS can creep up on an enemy without him knowing it and they learn this skill under the tutelage of the country’s senior cat instructor. That’s an instructor who’s a cat and not someone who instructs cats, obviously. You can’t instruct cats. Well, you can. You just don’t get stunning results unless you’re the sort of person stunned by the absence of results though.

Yes, the feline animal is adept at the art of moving without being heard. Every day many small animals of the order Rodentia or the class Aves are victims of a stealthy cat attack and this inate ability to approach and fatally surprise another living being forms the basis of The Yawn Of Unearthly Delights setting. Except for the fatal bit. Mostly.

Don’t wake up to a sound! That’s so last year. Beef in jelly from last evening’s supper, a toad that wandered too far from the damp part under the decking during the night, and years of thorough tongueing of the rectal regions to free them of defecatory cling-ons come together in a cacophony of natural aromas that just scream "Get out of bed and feed me now or I’ll yawn again!"

The Nostril-Seeking Tail
A repugnant smell is great but it’s no good if you’ve got a cold. If you simply must be woken in some nasal fashion then you’ll be "tickled" pink by The Nostril-Seeking Tail.

With your Animalarm™ conveniently situated exactly one tail’s length from your nose the Sun will rise and so will you as occasional, irritating flicks just brush the rim of your nostrils. Duration of flicks and frequency between them are totally random preventing you from bracing yourself for the next wake-up aggravation.

Bonus! A "snooze" option exists on this setting: simply grab the tail with one hand to hold it in place and enjoy some itch-free time. At the end of the snooze period your Animalarm™ will sink its fangs into your wrist allowing you to gracefully wake up and run to the bathroom for antiseptic.

Your Silver Tabby Cat model Animalarm™ is a master impressionist too, and I’m not talking about paintings here. Have you ever woken suddenly from a dream where you were stuck on the African savannah while a herd of wildebeest stretching from horizon to horizon (although technically it’s the same horizon) bore down on you, running for their lives, a dust cloud a mile high kicked up in their wake, you unable to move out of the way, struck motionless with the panic that comes from impending ungulate mammalian squishing? You will.

This alarm setting simulates anything from a runaway stallion to a gang of nipple molesters, a cloned army of Linford Christies to the aforementioned gnu stampede. Scream as you wonder how something so small can possibly make so much noise as it thunders through your house! Wince as it fails to arrest its flight on your laminate flooring and skids into the door! Wake with your heart pounding so hard you can see it deforming your ribs under your chest skin.

Weight = Mass x Gravitational Acceleration x Cat Special Sauce Variable
Physicists will tell you that an object with a mass of one kilogram on the Earth will have a mass of one kilogram on the moon but it will weigh six times less! They’ll then raise their eyebrows, smile a little, and let that titbit of information sink in while they think about how smart they are and how that’s sure to let them get into your panties, although they’re not entirely certain what’s supposed to happen after that. Physicists don’t get out much, have trouble differentiating men from women, and are awful bores at parties. Still, if you’re at all interested in gravitational forces then you might want to ask them to explain cats then.

Cat owners know that cats on laps weigh exactly as much as cats on laps are expected to weigh. Cats on laps obey the laws that bind the universe. Cats on chests and backs in the morning are another matter. A far denser matter.

Try to stay in bed as the force on your torso gradually increases pushing you deeper into the mattress. At neOnbubble we guarantee you’ll submit and get up before your bed and lungs collapse or you get half your money back!

Bonus! Try the Advanced setting and let your Silver Tabby Cat magically find a pressure point to concentrate all its weight upon! Oucherific!

AnimalarmPneumatic Pussy
I know what you’re thinking and the word of the day is: stop that right now you filthy pervert!

If you still hanker for the traditional aural alarm clock then try the Pneumatic Pussy setting. There’s something infinitely soothing about purring. Scienticians believe that purring helps cats to recover from illnesses or injuries through Sonic Healing Mysticism Science™ and that placing cats on cancer patients’ heads can cure them too (although the goverment won’t authorise trials) and there’s not a person living or recently living who doesn’t just feel so much calmer when that low, bass rumble starts to emanate close by.

Directly into your ear canal may be slightly too close for pleasure though. However, it’s perfect at getting you out of bed, usually with the accompanying thought "the Rapture is coming, the Rapture is coming!"

The Arse Of Otherworldly Pain
Harness your inner sixth sense waking skill by flicking the dial on your Animalarm™ to The Arse Of Otherworldly Pain.

Have you ever woken up with a gnawing feeling in the back of your mind? Not a physical one such as those experienced when scorpions hide in your pillows, but a mental one. I have a funny feeling my house is sliding down the hill or My spidey sense tells me the doll at the end of the bed just moved or Was that the sound of a rapist burglar clown sneaking up the stairs? Hone your Brainial Fear™ with this alarm setting that instructs your Silver Tabby Cat to position its rear as near to your face as possible without touching and then – micron by micron – edge backwards.

You’ll emerge slowly from sleep, relaxed but with a slight tensing of the muscles. Your adrenal glands will open their doors ready to flood your system but you won’t quite know why. Slowly you’ll open your eyes. Through the blurry eyelashes you’ll struggle to focus. What is that endless black pit, star-shaped into which you look? In a split second you’ll be wide awake knowing you just avoided contact with your alarm’s arse.

In case you’re wondering: the "pain" in this setting comes when you shoot out of reach of the feline posterior and headbutt your partner. That doesn’t hurt so much. It’s when he or she grabs the bedside lamp and cracks you across the bridge of the nose that you’ll cry.

Furball Fiesta!
The default setting for your Silver Tabby Cat model Animalarm™ is the ever-faithful Furball Fiesta. There’s nothing in the world that brings you out of a deep dream quite like:

"… bk … bk … bk … bok … bohk … bohghk … bk … bohhkhkhk … splash"

Mmmm. Now that’s a warm and gooey wake-up we can all enjoy.

There are plenty of other models in the range so there’s no excuse for failing to wake up ever again. And remember: this March there’s 25% off our popular Peck-Happy Ostrich and Violently Angry Baboon models!

Author: Mark

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  1. I am the owner of the Small Dog Animalarm, and am very pleased with the results. I am however curious to know how to turn off the ‘frantic barking at four in the morning’ setting which although only switches on at randon intervals, can be very irritating. Other than that, Well Done Animalarm!

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  2. jesus, mark. do you know WHY i can only periodically read your stuff, despite it being so good? because it’s so bloody intensely written. every sentence carries not weight but weights. huge web of implicatory observational satirical lampoonicalness. before i can start, i need to know i have sufficient energy and time to wring everything out of it, because it will piss me off if i can’t, or if i’m simply too tired/distracted/energy-poor to get the most out of it. it’s that whole hating-to-leave-something-on-the-plate thing. waste.
    happy to waste rubbish.
    hate to lose a drop of diamond.

    your "so you want to be a space animal" post scarred me for life, you know.

    stop it. don’t. stop it. don’t.

    anyway. meant to say this for ages. finally it occurred to me at the same time it occurred to me to say it.
    you’re one of the legends dude. not sure whether you’re a foot or a hip, but you’re a legend.

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  3. Misty: sadly, according to our records it appears you didn’t take out the extended warranty which would have covered the resetting of the "Invisible Intruder" alarm back to its factory default of 2:45am.

    Sal: your words have touched me. If there was a doll handy I’d point out exactly where upon it they touched. Suffice it to say, it’s below the waist.

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  4. I have never been awakened by the Arse Of Otherworldly Pain but have enjoyed all the others. How could you forget the Shower of Delight, whereby your contented cat fakes the Weight = Mass x Gravitational Acceleration x Cat Special Sauce Variable by sitting on your chest; skilfully switches to Pneumatic Pussy after a quick tickle behind the ear by the other half; and finally produces enough contented drool that it has to shake its head providing you with enough cold moisture to think you had just stuck your head under Niagra Falls.

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  5. Good catch Convict. It will be included in the next model for sure.

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  6. I once had an inverse animal alarm. It was a cat that went to sleep in the bottom of my sleeping bag on a cold day. I jumped in later and had my feet scratched to ribbons. Didn’t sleep much after that. Neither did the cat.

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