I’ve had the pleasure of catching some of Ancient Aliens on the Military History channel (because where else other than a channel allegedly devoted to historical matters of relevance to the military would you expect to see a programme attributing every polished pebble and cave marking to an intergalactic civilisation?) and, yes, it’s been as ludicrous and hilarious as I suspected.
Still, as much as I’ve laughed at it a thought did cross my mind: would it be possible to make Ancient Aliens even more enjoyable?
And the answer, of course, is alcohol.
For every sentence that starts with the word “could” to which the answer is “no” (could an alien civilisation have built this series of tunnels in Peru?): take a shot.
For every sentence that starts with the phrase “is it possible” to which the answer is “no” (is it possible that these strange markings in Brazil are the same as these similar markings in Egypt?): take a shot.
Every time Giorgio A. Tsoukalos appears on screen: take a shot.
Every time Erich von Daniken is mentioned (but author of “Chariots of the Gods” Erich von Daniken has another, more sinister interpretation): take a shot.
Every time there’s a pause after “someone” before “or something” is added (are these tunnels natural or were they fashioned by someone… or something?): take a shot.
Every time some piece of historical evidence of aliens “mysteriously disappeared” (but shortly after his death the evidence he had been collecting mysteriously disappeared): take a shot.
Every time two possible answers are given to a question and neither are true (are angels really winged visitors from Heaven or could they be aliens?): take a shot.
Every time you hear that “the answer is clear” or some preposterous answer is preceded by the word “clearly” and you’re still puzzled or busy laughing: take a shot.
Every time some actual science is used to dismiss one conclusion and then leap to the alternative of “aliens”, disregarding all the many other plausible options: down a pint in one.