Never let it be said that I’m anything but fair. Many, many moons ago I conducted an interview with then-doctor-now-heap-big-better-than-doctor Brian Cox and we discussed matters of science, said science being a subject very close to my heart as I have it on good authority that certain sciencey things occur in its vicinity; biology, chemistry, and physics (yeah, the big three!) apparently.
Another subject close to my heart is religion – I once snagged my nipple on a rosary – and, till now, I’ve neglected to complement my interview of one of science’s finest with one of religion’s finest. Or nearly finest. Or adequatest. Or he’ll-doest. Website, let me now introduce you to Ray Comfort, kiwi by birth (not the species), evangelical minister, opponent of science’s rational explanation of evolution, and author of You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence, But You Can’t Make Him Think.
ME: Ray, I’ve finally given in and taken up your challenge to interview you but declined your more-than-generous offer of ten thousand recitations of the commandments as evidence for whatever’s in your head. Welcome to this little crook of the internet.
RAY: Thank you for finally listening to me; many people don’t. And please, call me The Raymeister.
ME: Let me just draw your attention to paragraph one, sentence one of the interview contract I drew up and you signed where it says "I’m not calling you The Raymeister."
ME: Don’t do that with your fingers; teenagers do that. Let’s start. Why don’t we begin with man’s descent from apes? What’s not to like about the fossilised and genetic evidence as uncovered by your archnemeses People Who’ve Actually Studied This Stuff?
RAY: We’ve all seen the picture, right? There’s man and before him is an apeman and before him is an apeman laboratory assistant with a hunch and/or rickets and before that is an ape and before that is a monkey, yes? It looks sensible on the face of it and sure, there are all these ancient bones to back it up and the suspiciously difficult to see DNA which they claim supports it all. But ask yourself this: why does it stop at monkey? Why don’t they keep going back? Smaller monkey then tiny monkey then monkey insect and monkey bacterium? Why not? Because it’s ridiculous and all made up and they know it. Booya!
ME: How would you respond to this statement by website interviewer me, right now?: just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean that it is wrong; it could be right whilst, simultaneously, you might just not get it through either a lack of mental capability or a deliberate act of belligerence.
RAY: Let me think about that for a moment.
ME: Don’t rush into anything new. Joking! Hey! Are you rubbing your chin with your middle finger on purpose? Stop that!
RAY: What? I’m not doing anything! Anyway, it’s not in the contract.
ME: Yes it is; right here on page three. It says "Ray will not use obscene gestures during the interview." You’ve crossed out "Ray" and put "The Raymeister" and initialled the change and I’ve crossed out your alteration, returned it to the original, and initialled that too.
ME: Let’s just carry on, shall we? You’re now known as The Banana Man because of your belief that bananas are proof of God being behind the design of something that fits in the hand and peels. Since nothing else fits in the hand and peels is God telling us to go on a strict banana-only diet?
RAY: Well, coconuts are a no-no; something that tough to break into and with such a dangerous resemblance to testicles is clearly a warning sign. All other food can be eaten, however, because all other food has clearly been designed that way. Why are tusks and antlers only on large animals? Because tusks and antlers fit in the hand and help to steady otherwise-unwieldy foods like elephant heads when consuming them. Bacon tastes just divine! Now, if evolutionists are right then why hasn’t the pig evolved to taste more like Marmite and fend off Man’s breakfast urges? Isn’t the answer God? An atheist can’t answer that. Simple.
ME: Simple is exactly what I was thinking too. Why don’t you tell me your thoughts on evolution as it pertains to the males and females of species?
RAY: Ah yes, now this is one that so-called scientists just cannot explain no matter how hard they try. Male cats can only mate with female cats, male peacocks can only mate with female peacocks, and so on. We all know that without having to resort to science. The Bible tells us these animals were created by God and put on Earth but science says that these animals evolved from earlier forms! Think about that. Male dogs evolved from earlier forms at exactly the same time as female dogs? Even if you believe in evolution then you’ve got to realise that that’s too much of a coincidence not to have been caused by God.
ME: I’m a part-time actor with an upcoming role that requires me to laugh hysterically and that explanation will do the trick nicely, thank you.
RAY: Dude, are you mocking me?
ME: You really can’t pull off use of the word "dude" and yes, I am, as I indicated I probably would in every paragraph of the contract.
RAY: Wh …
ME: And if you say "whatever" one more time you’ll be off to bed with no supper young man. Let’s finish now by talking about your book tagged highly on Amazon with words and phrases such as "stupidity", "breathtaking inanity", "illogical", "lies", and, my favourite, "banana porn" to name but a very few. I understand your book contains the same refuted arguments – refuted arguments – you’ve used over and over before, only with a new publisher and in a slightly different order. Is there anything about your book that you’d like to talk about and who exactly is your target audience since I never had you down as a children’s fiction author?
RAY: You Can Lead an Atheist to Evidence, But You Can’t Make Him Think is one of my longest book titles yet and I’m very proud of that. Look at Dawkins! The God Delusion has only three words in it. To me and many Christians I think that speaks far more than any empirical study of book title lengths as they relate to coherent content ever could. I’ve aimed this particular novel at atheists and skeptics and Darwinists because studies show they’re more likely to read things. Really, I just want to start a debate.
ME: There’s a lot about you that’s debatable.
ME: Ray Comfort, thank you for stopping by.
RAY: Call me it once.
ME: I’m not going to call you it.
RAY: Go on. The interview’s over now.
RAY: What harm can it do? Come on!
ME: Okay … Ray … you’re a moron.
RAY: Dude! That’s not what I meant and you know it!