Last year there was trouble in the White House. President Bush had been photographed performing fellatio on his dog, evidence implicating Donald Rumsfeld in a hands-on role in the paper-cutting (with lemon juice) of journalists had been leaked to journalists otherwise cut-free or lemon-resistant, and a Toronto-based mariachi group touring the west wing had been inadvertently led into Dick Cheney’s Leather Suite and unceremoniously liquidated straining relations with Canada. Luckily, the news channels were full of shark attacks and the events magically blew away like cigarette ash on a child’s head in a hurricane.
But that was last year.
I spent the formative years of my life being raised by alligators, the result of an accidental toilet flushing by my parents. The sewers were ruled – and had been since the Victorian era – by the giant reptiles who loved to go through the jetsam that found its way there but times were difficult thanks to a surge in goldfish numbers. Unrestrained by bowls or polythene bags or suits from Saville Row with no give in the waist these unwanted orange swimmers had grown to immense sizes – some as large as gorillas (of which there were a handful too) – and developed a vicious intelligence and spiteful fury too.
I was given protection by the eldest alligator and treated as if I was his own child. He bit his own child a lot and hit it with his tail and it annoyed me no end when I received the same attention but I understood the ways of the alligator and showed due respect and humility. Also, the numerous infections that built up pus bubbles along my alligator wounds made me dizzy and weak and I was in no position to fight back. Plus I was only two years old. Nevertheless, my superior brain and ability to read English was soon in use aiding my underground brethren and we defeated the fish foe using techniques from a discarded copy of The Strategies And Military Doctrines of Earl Mountbatten’s Campaign In Burma (1943-1946): Goldfish Guerilla Warfare Tactical Edition.
I returned to the surface several years later with wisdom and experience beyond most men’s but, till now, the knowledge I held of alligators in general has been relegated to a filing cabinet marked "The Stinking Nightmare From My Childhood After My Parents Got Drunk During A 70s Swingers Party".
So, with alligators making the news again – or, more accurately, making the real news disappear again – what should we know about them?
Why Are The Alligators Attacking?
A common question raised at the moment is why are the alligators – normally peaceful herbivores – suddenly attacking Americans? A number of theories have been suggested.
Jeb Bush Stem Cell Experiment Gone Awry
While the Bush family and White House publically claim to abhor all stem cell research as it runs into conflict with the control-freak wishes of their biggest blackmailers – the Christians – they are, regardless, pushing ahead with scientific experiments in private as every single Republican has a genetic disorder that will turn their brains into mulch within two generations. The high number of animal hybrid escapes and disasters in the last two years has meant more testing on natural species and, as luck would have it, Jeb Bush is sitting on the nation’s premier stock of swamp creatures.
However, learning from past mistakes has never been a strong suit for the current dumbasses in power:
- in 1859, President Buchanan tried to breed bison that floated and the country teetered on the edge of bankruptcy as a result,
- at the turn of the 20th century President McKinley succeeded in creating an angel using x-rays and butterflies but the angel was mentally unstable and kept adding starch to the chinese laundries around the country causing civil unrest. Buffalo Bill shot the angel,
- Herbert Hoover authorised experimentation on Montana’s mountain giraffes to see if they could be transmuted into gold in order to fight off the great depression. These days only a handful of mountain giraffes survive in Montana and they kill all humans on sight through hatred. Do not go to Montana.
They Are Protesting About Lack Of Alligator Stories On CSI Miami
David Caruso carries a lot of weight on the set of CSI Miami and when Mr Caruso says he wants more human interest deaths so he can pout and smirk and put his hands on his hips and insert … Shatner pauses into … sentences and act like he cares because the Emmy people like that and fewer alligators chomping illegal Cuban immigrants because it offers less convincing scenarios for him to pout and smirk and put his hands on his hips and insert … Shatner pauses into … sentences and act like he cares then the result is a drop-off in reptile parts on the show. They’re just raising their profile.
Indeed they are.
The easiest way to rile an alligator is to approach it and say "that’s not a knife; this is a knife". Alligators and crocodiles are very different and only the former will steal your identity and run up huge debts upon hearing that statement just to teach you a lesson.
Alligators can only run in straight lines. However, if you zig-zag while fleeing in an attempt to benefit from this physical disability they are not above simply shooting you in the back.
If Madonna runs out of moisturiser she will revert to her alligator form.
Alligators could stand much more upright if they wanted – a bit like dogs – but they like the feel of mud on their tummies.
Native Americans claim they once had the power to transform into many creatures, including alligators, but they were smoking some really trippy shit at the time and nobody ever thought to take a photo for evidence.
If you approach an alligator while wearing alligator-skin boots then it is likely to reciprocate by attaching human-eyeball earrings. You won’t be able to see what it looks like and there’s a very good reason for this.
Pushing the correct sequence of scales on the back of an alligator causes its legs and head to retract permitting simpler storage in overhead luggage compartments.
Like all sentient species across the universe, alligators have their own Shakespeare, this one being responsible for such classic plays as "The Chomping Of The Shrew", "A Midsummer Night’s Chomp", "Much Ado About Chomping", and "The Two Well-Respected Alligators Of Verona’s Sewer System".
Crocodiles famously perform a "death roll" when killing prey when they confuse, exhilirate, and drown their next meal at the same time. Alligators prefer to throw bees or peanuts at their victims hoping for an allergic reaction.
You can fold a piece of paper in half only about seven times but nobody knows what the limit is for alligators. Government cover-up?
Alligators have a sixth sense telling them when asteroids are approaching the Earth and they burrow underground for safety. This ability was not present in either the dinosaurs or the elf lords of Gondwanaland.