Allergies

ScienceReproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.

What Is An Allergy?
Despite God’s best attempts at designing the human body it, quite frankly, sucks big time and is riddled with flaws. One of the most common problems with the human body is the immune system which is supposed to protect the body from harmful substances and diseases but which also sporadically attacks itself in a dazzling display of incompetence, an action which if spotted in a bear mauling itself, for example, would lead to a humane rifle shot through the skull.

When the body goes a little loco it activates mast cells and basophils – normally dormant white cell types responsible for expanding the body’s many organs to counter deep sea pressures; a genetic relic from our evolutionary ancestry as oceanic floor kestrels – and this causes inflammation and increasing pharmacy profits.

What Types Of Allergic Reaction Are There?
Allergic reactions range from the minor – itches, the sniffles, and ear-picking – to the downright fatal – fatal itches, fatal sniffles, and fatal ear-picking. Doctors cannot distinguish between fatal and non-fatal forms of allergies until after the allergy-sufferer has died and can only determine the exact fatal allergic reaction from whether the corpse’s fingers are wedged under its armpits, up its nose, or in its auditory canal up to the knuckle.

Do You Have An Allergy?
Thanks for caring!

Yes, I am allergic to prolonged contact to steel, whether surgical or stainless. This means, for example, that I must only be sold in aluminium cans once mankind gets a taste for my meaty goodness and that any machete wounds must be sealed using velcro. On a daily basis it means that I must make use of sundials to tell the time rather than relying on wrist watches and their allergy-unfriendly steel backs, straps, and batteries.

Why Are Nut Allergy Sufferers Not All Rounded Up And Shot?
That’s a good question. For too long the minority of humankind who swell up and explode whenever a peanut is forcibly inserted under their eyelids have dictated to the rest of us how we should live our lives. Peanut warnings on packs of peanuts and the removal of the chocolate-coated peanut from packs of Revels – to replace it with the abomination that is the raisin! The raisin! Nobody wants shrivelled fruit in their chocolate confectionery! – are too much and a stand needs to be taken now!

To save on bullets packets of peanuts should now be forced to carry the wording "No Peanuts Here, Peanut-Free, Honestly" prominently. A message should be sent to the manufacturers of Revels too: remove the raisin!

Picture by Stefanie L.Why Is Hay Fever So Common These Days?
In evolutionary historical terms, plants and animals have coexisted and benefacted one another. Plants have allowed animals to breathe and animals have allowed plants to have the best real estate on the planet. Minerals have sulked through the millenia.

Humans, however, have upset the balance, cutting down plantlife and building beachfront property and view-blocking skyscrapers. An alliance between bees – who resent human mocking of their tiny wings and chubby bodies – and flowers – the floral world’s foot soldiers – is attempting to undermine human existence through the spread of weapons grade pollen, lip-swelling stings, and the introduction of altruistic human behaviour via honey-based products in direct opposition to natural animal instinctive behaviour of the survival of the fittest.

Humans are fighting back with mobile phones that disrupt bee dances, cause acute embarrassment to young bees, and lead to a reduction in young bees getting together and making more baby bees but the war wages on and only anti-histamine manufacturers will emerge as winners.

Aren’t Bee Stings Fatal?
If you’re asking whether the new flavour in packs of Revels should be chocolate-covered bees in order to weed out another bunch of whiny biological defects and inflict a humilating death upon our flying enemies then I couldn’t agree more. Traitorous bees!

Otherwise, I don’t know, let’s say yes.

Are Some People Really Allergic To Latex?
No. Men will find any excuse not to wash up or wear a condom or do both at the same time.

What Allergy Treatments Are Available?
Many people attribute the rise in allergic reactions with the increasing use of double-glazed windows in modern housing so widespread use of a brick or bricks might be one solution. More conventional options are available:

  • Hypnotherapy can relieve the suffering of certain allergies by persuading the sufferer that he or she is a balloon rather than just merely expanding painfully like one.
  • Vitamin C is present in orange juice and goes well with vodka which often makes allergies just not that big a deal when it all comes down to it.
  • Desensitisation to allergens on a global scale (e.g. adding peanuts to other foods such as bread, sugar, salt, rice, vegetables, and tofu) will kill off the weaker members of the species and render the remainder as hardier humans ideally adapted to fight the bee menace.
  • Bee Internment Camps help prevent the spread of biological agents and hasten the end of this long, cruel war.

Author: Mark

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3 Comments

  1. Wait a minute — who’s this "God" character you mention in the first paragraph. Is he some kind of Uber-Bee?

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  2. Oh no! God is, was, and ever will be a Mexican architectural design student. The G is pronounced like an H. A bit like Jesus. Hispanic languages, eh? Crazy. This God, anyway, was will have been pulled back (temporal tenses are fun!) through time from the 29th century as the prize in a competition in order to revamp the original naturally-evolved human body that required worm-aerated soil to breathe and could only move via pogo sticks. The new streamlined single nose and trimming down of the orbital ears into side-mouted cranial growths won God a number of prestigious awards but the ensuing confusion with his name subsequently being linked to a previously non-existent and abominable phenomenon called "relidgin" was would be the cause of his death by bees, the only actual time in his life that God and bees will have would done been met.

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  3. Bee Internment Camps: Just think, we round them all up, AND get more honey than we know what to do with! PS: Melissa means "honey bee" so I speak with authoritay and am a traitor against my own kind. What a bitch!

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