Alberto Frog’s Coffee Problem

“Oh, Alberto Frog, thank you!” said Father Leopold. “Thank you for saving the church fête with your charity orchestral performance.”

“An absolute pleasure,” said the orchestra’s conductor, beaming widely.

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“How ever can I thank you?” asked the priest.

“Well…” said Alberto. “Um… Er…”

Zebra knew what he was going to ask for.

Kangaroo knew what he was going to ask for.

Ostrich knew what he was going to ask for.

“Well,” continued Alberto Frog. “I wouldn’t say no to a coffee.”

There was a clang as cymbals fell to the floor and a loud gasp was heard from most of the orchestra.

“Coffee?” asked Father Leopold. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like a milkshake?”

“No,” said Alberto quickly. “Coffee. Please. Coffee.”

“Er, okay. Any particular flavour?”

Tiger thought Alberto might choose Bounty Island Cream.

Flamingo thought Alberto might choose Blueberry and Vanilla.

Elephant thought Alberto might choose Toasted Pecan.

And Monkey thought Alberto might choose Chocolate Cherry.

What do you think?

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“Anything. Anything will do,” said Alberto.

“Come now, Alberto, you must have a favourite flavour of coffee.” Father Leopold’s smile was thin and forced.

“I. Don’t. Care,” said Alberto through gritted teeth. Father Leopold was taken aback as he didn’t realise frogs had teeth. “Coffee. Any coffee. I just want a coffee.”

“Would you like Blueberry and Vanilla coffee?” asked Flamingo, keen to be proven right.

“JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING COFFEE!” screamed Alberto Frog. “I JUST WANT A FUCKING COFFEE!”

“Steady now Alberto!” said Coelacanth, wary of how much much the baton was shaking in the conductor’s hand.

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” yelled Alberto. “WHY IS THERE A FUCKING COELACANTH IN MY ORCHESTRA?”

“Hippo’s on maternity leave,” said Squirrel timidly.

Alberto stared at the rodent with fury in his eyes.

“Here!” said Father Leopold suddenly. “Here’s a coffee.”

“Finally!” said Alberto, grabbing the offered mug from the priest’s hands and taking a loud slurp. The orchestra’s conductor’s shoulders relaxed immediately and Alberto closed his eyes, savouring the taste of the hot liquid. “Was that so fucking difficult?” he said quietly.

Suddenly Alberto Frog felt a sharp pain in his left arm and a crushing weight on his chest. He clasped a hand to his heart even as it gave up beating to one of the many rhythms in the conductor’s head. Father Leopold and the orchestra looked on as the amphibian died from a massive heart attack.

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“Stress,” said Raccoon, breaking the silence that followed. “I told him coffee was no good for him.”

“What coffee was it?” asked Elephant.

“Toasted pecan,” answered Father Leopold as he made the sign of the cross over Alberto’s stiff corpse.

“Boom!” said Elephant. “I knew it! Pay up bitches!”

Author: Mark

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