Adult sex dating! For adults! Sex! Rawrrgh!

Date CthulhuRecently I was approached by a lovely young lady from one of those dating websites – you know the ones; meet swingers in your local area, the rubber-hooded urine-fetishist of your dreams is only a click away, cheat on your partner with a goat and a priest with a camera – asking if I had ever considered running adverts for dating websites on this one. Apparently, my site was just the sort of site that visitors to other sites that ran adverts for dating sites but who failed to click those links to those sites were likely to visit and, therefore, my site could be an ideal site to advertise dating sites upon. Site. I got lost at the first use of the word "site" and shook my head dumbly which, in retrospect, was pretty pointless since we were communicating via the functionality of forum messaging through the medium of the internet across the vast reaches of time and space that separate Europe and America. I let my dating representative know that, after some soul-searching, I just couldn’t do it. The reasons for this, which I didn’t give, and I know you couldn’t care less about, were:

  • I’m an artist, I have my integrity to think about,
  • I’m a people person, I have my regular readers to think about,
  • I’m lazy, I have my thinking where the hell I can put adverts without ruining the whole look of the site to consider,
  • I’m not really a people person, I need time to devise my how can I trick my regular visitors into earning me cash? plan.

Probably the main reason I couldn’t do it was because I know my regular visitors well – in some cases better than they know themselves – and it was pretty clear immediately that no matter which dating agency I ran adverts for there would always be some general grouping of visitors to this site who would be left feeling lonely and uncatered-for, reliant more than ever on their own hands and the toys they sent off for under an assumed name. I’m not an emotional person typically; I’m systematic, have an analytical mind, and don’t have much empathy for the problems of other people when they are quite capable of solving them themselves. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to help and benefit from the experience myself, does it?

I’ve checked the demographic breakdown of this site’s readership and looked into the marketplace for gaps in the dating arena. And where I’ve spotted gaps I’ve attempted to plug them using my new enterprises.

homelessloving.net

I know that if you’re wealthy then chances are you’re not reading this because your money can buy you far better diversions such as acrobats and people who shout obscenities. Alternatively, the less well-off a person is the more likely it is that they will happen upon this website at some point because luck clearly isn’t on their side. And if you’re not well-off and not already father or mother to six or seven screaming urchins by three or four other parents then you’re quite possibly looking for that special significant other who a) won’t make you feel bad about being in the poor third of society, and b) won’t be expecting to be wooed, courted, or lavished gifts upon.

The guys and gals waiting for you at homelessloving.net won’t mind if you still live at home if you don’t mind that they pee themselves for warmth. If they can look past the fact you only own a black & white television set then surely you can pretend that cracked, sepia teeth are acceptable in public too.

Years of exposure to the elements and lack of access to moisturiser or razors will guarantee your potential date has a weathered look ideal if you’re after a more mature partner, and if you think that caring for animals is a good character trait then you’ll love getting to know the many types of hair lice and intestinal worms that every abode-deficient member of homelessloving.net will introduce you to, and possibly infest you with at no extra charge.

SF Group SexWhen you’re already near the bottom of the social ladder then you need all the help you can to make sure you’re the sophisticated and dominant one in a new partnership and homelessloving.net can supply that help. Choose our exclusive Brown Star membership to filter out the ones prone to random attacks and spitting, or take your chances with our basic Yellowish Stain level, both available for a low (obviously) monthly cost.

iluvfundiemoms.us

Are you an American, fundamentalist Christian mom?

Are you bored because you have to stay at home all day while your husband is abroad stopping bullets from hitting expensive drilling equipment with his limbs, printing up Jack Chick tracts to slip inside copies of the Koran, disenfranchising minorities in nearby communities, or cheating on you with the church minister in a way that doesn’t count as gay because no ballsack-licking took place?

Do you want to do more than simply reprint newsletters from Republican Propaganda HQ on your hideous, free website?

Sounds like you need a little fundie lovin’.

We all know that the one thing crazed, fundamentalist moms crave more than anything else is other crazed, fundamentalist moms. Your husband may criticise you because your cheap perm is straightening out but a fellow fundie mom won’t ever do that. Your husband can only maintain an erection with the lights off while you recite the saucy begetting passages from the Bible but fundie mom-on-mom action is free from any restrictions or God would have invented Lesbian AIDS!

At iluvfundiemoms.us we stringently screen our members to ensure only the most rabid, venom-filled, hate-spewing, certifiably psychotic are accepted. You won’t have to worry that the shit you spout about the economy, foreigners, liberals, or blacks during nuzzling moments might be questioned, spoiling the intimacy; if your fundie mom sex partner doesn’t reinforce your small-minded beliefs 100% then your next date is free-of-charge (terms and conditions apply).

Premium members get access to your database of fundamentalist Christian moms with husbands who enjoy watching the proceedings. Remember: sperm aren’t human lives so it’s perfectly okay if they splash across your face.

unsatisfying-sex-dates.org

Juan, this one’s for you.

If you’re not looking for a long-term relationship and simply want no-strings sex (ropes optional) with someone who is nothing like their user profile and inexperienced to the point where eunuchs start to look appealing then unsatisfying-sex-dates.org is the dating site for you.

DatingIdeally, you’re the sort of person who’s become so used to black depression after another slow build-up to a disastrous evening with your eyes closed pretending the smell was "not that bad" and reassuring yourself that the pain from the attempted hand-job that almost snapped/split apart your genitalia was a good indicator there was so permanent nerve damage that you just can’t imagine sex any other way. And you want more. And quicker.

At unsatisfying-sex-dates.org we aim to remove that awkward searching stage which takes up so much time. You don’t want to have to trawl through hundreds of profiles and start conversations with strangers looking out for that first "every1 sayz im jolly n they luv my ‘my littel pony’ collectoin" that means you’ve struck gold and with us you won’t have to! How is this possible?

Our patented dating software matches experienced men and women with their most incompatible opposites. Photos are simply not permitted at unsatisfying-sex-dates.org and everyone is assigned something randomly from our collection of royalty-free models’ pictures for added Surprise! factor on your date with disaster. But that’s not all! Height, weight, religion, race, and all other characteristics are fabricated using our state-of-the-art algorithms to give you hope before dashing it against the rocks of reality and letting the seagulls of "that’s just plain over-the-top God" peck out the rotting eyeballs!

A private rating system by our experienced users ensures that none of our no-hopers ever achieve adequacy by occasionally setting them up with other useless individuals to keep their skills underdeveloped like a third nipple (which many of them also have).

unsatisfying-sex-dates.org licences antiRelate™ technology to make sure you never find someone remotely acceptable or your money back!

Don’t let someone else’s erection shrivel after the toe with the verucca slips into their mouth when it could be you! Start dating the awful today!

Author: Mark

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8 Comments

  1. And so comences the loving relationship between Juan and Mark.

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  2. I visit this site regularly – and I am hugely, amazingly and disgustingly wealthy. In fact, I have my servant read your posts for me. He then returns to my chamber and laughs in proportion to the amount of humor he believed to have been contained therein. During this time, I eat peanuts from a large glass bowl. Just thought you should know.

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  3. Juan, just remember it’s platonic. I’m not going to be the subject of one of your failed transatlantic romance articles.

    Frank, thanks for the info. Wealthy elephants with manservants make up most of my readership and it’s good to get positive feedback every now and then.

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  4. I think your article was great and i am glad i found your site i will keep on reading more thanks.

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  5. hey boys wanna c ma p***y well thn comon and bring hard cause i like them with some big c***s. oh no my g string has come off!!!

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  6. oh yeh just write bak on these comment things i want some dirrty talk yeh baby yeh!!!

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