A Woman’s Naughty Bits

I remember growing up as a young boy and discovering – as I’m sure most young boys do – my dad’s collection of pornography. I wish most young boys hadn’t rummaged through my dad’s wardrobe but rights to privacy were different back then. Oh, but it was the best quality filth from Europe. Mixed in with some rather tame English equivalents of course. Nevertheless, it was exciting and stirring. Women not wearing scratchy turtle-neck jumpers! Phwoar! Women without plaid, polyester, pleated skirts! Phwoar Two! Look! Breasts! Wow! And … what in the name of holy hell is that?

I was young – in years, single digits – and the transition from Mayfair with its soft-focus English Rose in the countryside with a parasol and a sheer chemise to the stylings of Color Climax with its scanning tunneling microscope gynaecological close-ups of every orifice in before, during, and after the happy finish poses was shocking. Terrifying even. And very confusing.

As we all know there’s nothing I like better than imparting my brain wisdom to the unwise and as we all know it is only the very unwise who ever pop along to read this site. So, without further ado as I’ve temporarily run out of ado, let me present the neOnbubble Guide To Everything You Need To Know About A Woman’s Naughty Bits.

Where Are A Woman’s Naughty Bits?

Your typical common or garden woman has several naughty bits located in various places; The Panty Region, The Zone Of Nipples, The Sphere Of Ankles, and The Bingo Wings. This article will only be concentrating on the first – and most disturbing – of those naughty bits, The Panty Region. As the name implies this area is situated in the same spot usually covered by panties in the female of the species. As women grow older their panties tend to expand until they cover three quarters of the surface area of the lady in question but the naughty region itself remains more-or-less at the same size it was when she was around twenty.

HANDY HINT
Keep a pair of panties from a twenty year-old girl on you at all times for accurate measurement of a woman’s naughty bits’ region of influence.

What Do Women’s Naughty Bits Look Like?

If you’ve seen the part in Aliens where Burke leans in towards the specimen jar and the facehugger lurches forward then you’ll already have a good idea. For the less sci-fi-aware or unimaginative the diagram below may help:

Naughty Bits

The labia – nature’s curtains of mystique – have evolved to entice men to find out what’s behind them as a direct evolutionary response to the rise in popularity of football and beer. Scientists believe that the clitoris will one day adopt a "genetic tattoo" that forms the words "DO NOT PUSH" for the same reason: who could possibly resist such an order?

Women have three orifices in their Panty Region: the anus and urethral opening expel waste solids and liquids from the body while the middle and largest of the three openings – the vagina – grants pepper grinders, candles, cucumbers, bananas, and sometimes penises a place to hide from the glare of the sun.

HANDY HINT
Make an appointment before secreting your man penis in a lady vagina to avoid having to share.

What Do Women’s Naughty Bits Look Like Inside?

Despite having an eye at the end of the penis the interior of a woman’s naughty bits are kept dark so as not to disturb the bats and have thus remained a mystery for almost six billion years. During the middle ages it was thought that cave goblins lived along the inner walls constructing babies from the detritus of whatever happened to become trapped inside (pepper grinders, candles, cucumbers, bananas, and sometimes penises). These days we know better.

Naughty Bits

Sperm from a penis hiding in the vagina is transported up the cervix through gravity when a woman stands on her head after sex and jiggles or is jiggled around. The amount of jiggling or nudging is crucial as the woman must guess when some sperm have crested the edge of the uterus and are more likely to become trapped in the spongy wall rather than fall back out. At around the same time an egg is catapulted from one of the ovaries. It travels down the Fallopian tube and starts bouncing around the inside of the woman’s naughty bits where it either falls straight out or hits a trapped sperm. Should the latter occur then the egg and sperm will fuse together and mutate into a child. This explains how babies are made. And how pinball was invented.

HANDY HINT
When you see the word TILT appear in her eyes it means you’ve nudged your woman too much and will have to try again.

Babies’ Heads And Women’s Naughty Bits. You’re Kidding, Right?

We’ve all seen freshly-born babies. They smell, they look gruesome, they’re noisy, they’re covered in ectoplasm. Also, their heads are the same size as the rest of their bodies and that ain’t small.

So, just how does a head the size of an 18th century cannonball emerge from an opening that you occasionally have trouble inserting far smaller items (pepper grinders, candles, cucumbers, bananas, and sometimes penises) inside? Nobody knows for certain but the two most popular theories are:

1. Gelatinous Head Theory
Although babies’ heads are hard like adult heads the presence of the fontanelle – the soft part in the crown of a baby’s head that you can stick a straw in – leads many theoretical doctors to wonder if the whole head isn’t soft while in the womb, hardening only as it comes in contact with the air. Many of these same theoretical doctors have experienced a similar softening of their own when engaging in sexual activities in and around the naughty bits of a woman and suspect or hope there may be a correlation other than the hysterical laughter they’re used to.

2. Magic.
In a similar way to the large coin passing through a smaller hole in a piece of paper trick, the vaginal opening has its apparent circumference increased through a series of folds of the legs, like this:

Birth
HANDY HINT
Underwater births, though popular, are inherently dangerous as an emerging baby could easily sink a passing oil tanker so make sure a lasso artist is standing by ready to assist.

Author: Mark

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21 Comments

  1. 3. Einstein-Rosenberg Bridge at the entrance to the cervix. Combination of pushing and inflicting pain by squeezing husband’s hand creates the right conditions for a brief warp of space-time that stretches the physical dimensions enough to allow the baby to pass through.

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  2. Lasso artist?

    Have government cutbacks robbed us of the Coast Guard and Air Sea rescue?

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  3. I’m afraid they have. It’s either lasso artists or Spider-man and I think we can all agree that our first moment in this world should involve being tied up by a master of ropery rather than having Tobey Maguire shoot his sticky stuff all over us.

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  4. Fluff said …
    oh My LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

    We’re informal around here these days. An "oh My Great One!" would have sufficed.

    And nice to finally find out where the prodigal southern bird moved to.

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  5. You slacker! Where’s the dectective spirit?

    Oh and please could you put the code on to ‘remember’ details so i dont have to type it out every time?
    Ta.
    i’m lazy.

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  6. The detective spirit was drunk by the alcoholic detective. And, just for you your laziness, the Remember-O-Matron(TM) is now on. Or should be.

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  7. If only I had seen this in time for Mother’s Day.

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  8. Even after reading that twice and printing out the diagrams (thanks for those), I’m still confused!

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  9. Lisa: a real shame. My article would have made the perfect gift for any mother. I assume you bought smear test vouchers instead.

    bedshaped: in diagram 1 cut out the purple, yellow, and green sections. This can then be placed over a "lady area" in much the same way as keyboard overlays for Lords Of Midnight on the Spectrum and all should become clear.

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  10. I’m surprised that no-one from the education department has contacted you for copyright to use this in schools throughout the land.

    Just one question, where oh where are my bingo wings?

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  11. Daisy said …
    I’m surprised that no-one from the education department has contacted you for copyright to use this in schools throughout the land.

    Education minister Bill Rammell has contacted me, as a matter of fact, but it was about whether keeping panties from twenty year-olds on one’s person could be justified as being part of the newly-proposed British Values classes.

    Just one question, where oh where are my bingo wings?

    Can you remember where you were when you last saw them? Try to work backwards from your current position.

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  12. SHIT THAT IS SO SEXY!!!
    I just want to put my dick in that!

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  13. so amusing..

    You should be on the telly.

    Nearly wet myself laughing.

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  14. Maybe this guide to women’s bits could coincide with creationism in schools?

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  15. Im just wondering if the woman secretes a more opaque white the comes out of her vagina after having the fun time while you’re wearing a condom if that is her secretions or the jerks who left it there for it to come out after some stimulation?

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  16. My goodness. This is far too much information!!!!!!!

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  17. 2 comments this year, after none last year year… steady on, your break the page…. lol.

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