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A Hairy(less) Experience
It has been brought to my attention that bald men are attractive, virile and powerful.
These positive traits were revealed to me in the bathroom mirror at four in the morning after an evening of drinking fermented grapes and smoking fomented naughty weeds by a person who, like me, was balding. In fact it was me (damn the magic world of looking-glasses).
Ok – the requisites of baldness are exaggerated through the misty lens of inebriation but it’s nothing to be ashamed of – providing you shed your hair with dignity …
{imgright,2.jpg,Sir Bobby}Receding hair can be a bit of an annoyance for a man, like myself, who once had long hair and a queue of female admirers (I assume the word ‘queue’ implies any number of people – such as zero). I decided to clip my hair short at the first signs of hair-loss (medical term: a frontal-lobe hirsute lobotomy) allowing fellow humans to see the flesh that had stopped wielding follicles next to their hairy but cropped fellows. I did not – at any point – decide to use hair as a way of shielding baldness.
I mean, look at Bobby Charlton. The England World Cup winning midfielder had a vicious right foot that allowed him to propel a football thirty metres from his toes into the top corner of a goal. Yet he also propelled a decimetre of hair in a flapping motion over the surface of his hairless head. What was he thinking? If he was a politician I would have a small amount of understanding since they don’t tend to run around for 90 minutes in front of 70,000 people. Didn’t Sir Bobby know that such energetic activity could cause vortices of hair movement?
Well the answer is yes. But in the late 60s/early 70s no-one gave a shit.
Which brings me back to my original three-pronged premise about the virtues of baldness. Bobby Charlton must have been attractive since he is married, he sired a weather-girl so he must be virile and his right-foot was very powerful indeed. Baldness may indeed imbue one with various traits …
If there was a point to this article then I’m afraid it has been lost in the abyss of my brain. Baldness seemingly allows the loss of memory through the top of one’s head also …
I, of course, suffer from the opposite effect, having what is known in The Industry as "Too Much Hair Syndrome". It makes me wonder whether we didn’t drunkenly conduct dark magic one night on Southsea Common entering into a deal with Satan that caused me to absorb your follicles. The upshot is that I go from a clean-shaven, Grade 1 buzzcut to Cousin It’s stunt double in around a month.
And there must be something in that "bald people are attractive, virile, and powerful" … since I’m none.
Ah yes – that dark magical inter-conduction! Did you have a BO problem up to that moment that mysteriously disappeared?
Why yes! Yes I did you stinky bugger!
I had a hairy experience once. I met Dave Lee Travis.
What? I’m just not getting your sense of humor here. No sir, I don’t like it.
All humans are bald. The few remaining tufts on the head and crotch aren’t worth bothering about. Shave it off and be like Captain Picard. Even the foul-smelling Klingon babes had a thing for Picard.
My dear Malice – why don’t you write an article?
Mr Bananas – I had no idea Capt. Picard was a shaven raven. I knew Patrick Stewart was but thought he grew his pubes for the role.
A gorilla advocating hairlessness? Now I’ve heard 8% of everything!
Mark may I? I will if you promise not to edit anything out and post it in its entirety no matter what the consequnece. Agreed? If so Guitar Hero anyone?
UNCENSORED MALICE – I’d like to read it, be brave Mark, say "yes"!
Well, all I really meant is I use the words "asshole" and "fag" a lot. You just don’t see that on the Internet anymore.
I welcome any and all fag-filled, asshole-ridden articles and promise not to edit anything. That said, my host does have a no porn policy so – since it’s you – I have to draw the line at anything involving midgets.
Ok, well I will leave it up to you then; guitar hero -or- how to cook your dead baby?
EDIT: You know better then to even have to bring up the porn. I’ll eat a babie’s eye on a stick all day, but the last thing I want to see is its mother disrobed for any reason.