A Gay Sex Date With Fred Phelps

Phelps"Fred, come in!"

"Come in! Come in! Is that some sort of perverted double entendre? Come in! Is it?"

"It’s generally considered an invitation to transpose one’s person from an outside area to an inside area and there absolutely, positively was no …"

"My person? Myperson?! Inside area! Inside area! Fag! Filthy, abhorrent fag! Inside area is a fag name for God’s Glorious Gaper! Are you a fag-supporting, fag-loving fag!?"

"It’s raining outside and you’re getting wet so won’t you please just step through the doorway, think about leaving a few of your fag references behind, and get inside this fu … this house now? Please?"

"I will enter your domicile, your shelter of sodomites, knowing I have the protection of the Lord!"

"Well, that’s good. I was going to have to insist on protection anyway. No telling where you’ve been."

"That is a sinful statement to make. I am as God made me, pure with His spirit flowing through me, uplifted by His power."

"Hey, save the dirty talk for later. Why don’t you take your coat off. You’re dripping on the carpet."

"Blaspheming sodomite-enabling heathen fag! The holy fluids are not to touch man-made fibres. May God’s wrath strike you down for your damned lies!"

"The rain … rain! … is running down your coat and it’s falling … oh, forget it, it’ll dry out. Can I get you a drink?"

"I wouldn’t say no to a Cosmopolitan."

"Cocktail man, eh?"

"Perverted sodomite! Your sick, moral blindness will be your undoing when the judgement of God is laid upon your soul and you are shredded and torn asunder and caused to flame in the furnace of hell!"

"Tell you what: we’ll skip the drinks. You sound like you’ve had a few already."

"Homo-fascist! My throat is dry!"

"Well, I’m sure we can rectify that situation if you know what I mean."

"So that Cosmopolitan’s still available then?"

"Apparently you don’t know what I mean. I’m talking about the hot, gay sex we’re going to have. You know? You popped over here for sex with me … a man … to have sex … with. Yes?"

"Popped! Popped! Popped is a fag word! You filthy disseminator of vile fagspeak! God hates you and your depraved kind!"

"You’re giving me a headache."

"Kneel down and I shall pray above you and beg your Creator to forgive your defiance!"

"Kneel in front of you? Oh! Oh! It’s role-play! Role-play! I get you! The old religious disciplinarian job! Right, nice one. Okay … yeah, sure, I’ll kneel and maybe you can let me take your, er, communion wafer in my mouth, eh?"

"Godless sodomite whore! Heaven will rain fire and brimstone and sharpened sticks specially crafted for the purpose of skewering fag-lovers down upon your body and crush your soul like the giant fist crushes the tiniest bug!"

"Sorry, I couldn’t hear so well there; this latex romper suit squeaks like buggery whenever I try to move in it. Something about a fist and tight butt, did you say? Only I’m not sure a first date should go that far."

"I’ve brought lube."

"Oh, go on then."

The character of Fred Phelps The Raving Lunatic, Hate-mongering, Overcompensating, Homophobic Minister depicted in this article is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to an actual person called Fred Phelps who just so happens to be a raving lunatic, hate-mongering, overcompensating, homophobic minister is entirely coincidental.

Author: Mark

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8 Comments

  1. "I wouldn’t say no to a Cosmopolitan."

    Bwahahaha I’m going to picture him saying that every time I see him now. Not that he is him of course.

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  2. "God’s Glorious Gaper". Wow. 🙂 Expect Westboro protesters at your funeral.

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  3. @Shawn: I’m planning on dying in a huge radiation accident rendering my corpse a danger to anyone with five thousand metres. Protesters will have their own picket area up close and personal though.

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  4. Stumbled and god that was funny. I blew, yeah, I said blew, diet coke threw my nose.

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  5. Absolutely hilarious. This left my "God’s Glorious Gaper" spasming in laughter.

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  6. I had forgotten all about that character from Poltergeist. It’s a perfect likeness!

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