Use the head of a coyote to teach your children that a fall of over a thousand feet is not survivable and that the Road Runner is psychopathic.
The head of an earthworm can replace a missing nipple – perhaps yours was removed by a carpet burn, or you required a nipplectomy because you’re lucky like that – or can act as a third nipple for when you play the role of Scaramanga in your weekly, fantasy sex game.
A crocodile’s head makes a wonderful, novelty, oversized nutcracker.
The indigenous people of Manchester, England revere the heads of African elephants when the ears are flattened out (those of the elephants and not the indigenous people of Manchester, England) as they form great protection against rain.
The head of a duck can act as a clothes peg in emergencies.
If you’ve ever hosted an evening party and run out of Beluga caviar then you’ll appreciate that the heads of ants makes a perfect replacement and taste far better too.
The head of a sperm whale can provide temporary shelter if you are ever mountaineering and your tent blows away.
It is hard to find good bellows these days but an anteater’s head and two stout sticks will do the job just perfectly.
A llama’s head, still bloody and placed in his bed, may persuade Jeff Minter to produce a first person shooter variant of Attack Of The Mutant Camels.
It is easy to fly into a rage after losing a chess match to a 4-year old wunderkind so keep a handful of seahorse heads around for quick repairs.
Why not give young schoolchildren a fascination with space by stapling an actual horse’s head next to a poster of the Horsehead Nebula for comparison purposes?
The head of a walrus, mounted on a spring contraption over your back door, can act as a natural booby trap for would-be burglars.
Achieve instant television fame by burying the heads of chimpanzees under a neighbour’s patio, tipping off the police to a suspected baby basketball cult, and then being interviewed saying that your neighbour seemed really normal and the midnight slam-dunking never really bothered you.
Pretend to be The Great Cthulhu with the head of an octopus and make occultists obey your will.
A cheetah’s head worn by your partner will allow you to act out your Thundercats fantasies during your weekly sex game.
Store cuckoo heads in your refrigerator and set up an instant Swiss clock repair business.
If you can’t afford a baseball cap then why not wear a duck-billed platypus’ head instead?
The Bee Gees have a phobia of marsupials and can be kept at bay with the head of an opossum.
Don’t pay over-the-top prices for pushchairs or prams for newborn infants; the hinged head of a hippopotamus in a shopping trolley makes a perfectly adequate alternative that’s also sure to make you the talk of all the other annoying parents you meet.
The head of a bullfrog can be thrown into the eyes of anyone who has the Crazy Frog tune on their mobile phone as justifiable retaliation.
You can replace erasers on the ends of pencils with the heads of caterpillars.
Be the talk of any social occasion by swallowing the head of an elk.
If you’ve ever crossed the Sahara and forgotten to bring any water bottles then you’ll know that the carrying capacity of the head of a stork can save your life.
The head of a narwhal makes a great toilet roll-holder for an ocean-themed bathroom.
The head of a warthog can be used to perform a deep-tissue shiatsu massage.
A woodpecker’s head is perfectly designed for stabbing and will convince crime scene investigators that only a tragic accident of nature occurred.
The head of a wolf, shaken threateningly, will make a beagle think twice about attacking you.
If you need to lever something open but it is difficult to get hold of a crowbar then the head of a toucan can perform the same function at a pinch.
Jazz up a plain, white rug by attaching a polar bear’s head to one end.
When escaping through a forest discard the heads of stick insects randomly; they will appear as broken sticks to pursuers and confuse their tracking skills.
The head of a dragonfly, carefully placed at the end of a telescope, may persuade an astronomer and science fiction fan that the Lexx is approaching Earth.
Hot lightbulbs can be replaced safely by wearing the head of an ostrich on your hand.
Wear a pig’s head in bed and pretend that Queen Bavmorda has cast a spell on you in your weekly, fantasy, Willow-based sex game.
Move to Canada, wear a seal head, wait for sealers to approach, and then club them to death; numbers of sealers is high and a massive cull will not affect the overall population so go wild.
It’s all too easy to panic and resort to snapping your teeth in half when you find yourself with a bottle but no opener. Next time use a puffin’s head.
Rock-climbing equipment manufacturers will be forced to reduce the prices of crampons if more people wear rhinoceros heads on their feet instead.
Keep a sheep’s head on you at all times and you will never lose a game of Hide ‘n’ Seek near a shepherd’s flock ever again.
Protect yourself in the jungle by fixing mouse heads to the clothing of a colleague and drawing all snake attacks to him or her.
101 dalmation heads in a shallow grave make a great news story about Disney atrocities.
Help the environment by reusing dolphin heads as bicycle saddles.
Misbehaving children can be quietened by threatening to kill their favourite cartoon characters. Show them Ren & Stimpy and then the head of a chihuahua in your deep freeze compartment.
The life of a proctologist is dull and they need all the anecdotes they can get so why not do something useful and stuff a gerbil’s head up your back passage then swear blind that you’re not “that way” and you’ve no idea how it got there?
If you’re visiting Transylvania stick a bat’s head on your neck as a means to make vampires think you’re already spoken for.
Spice up your love life by wearing an orangutan’s head in bed and pretending to be Dr Zaius for your weekly, fantasy sex game.
Complete your temple to Thor with a replica of Mjolnir made from a hammerhead shark head.
If airlines still won’t let you take scissors or nailclippers on board then you can always make use of a mole head; the sharp teeth will guarantee a perfect manicure for when you arrive.
If you don’t want to disappoint children after promising to show them some huskies then simply spray-paint an alsatian’s head white and let them play with that all they want instead.
A swan’s head with most of the neck still attached is great for scratching the hard to reach places on your back.
Pretend you can afford a saltwater aquarium by placing an orca’s head in a pond in your garden.
Surprise your priest with goat heads on his altar.