It’s almost 2010 and that means two things:
- We need to come up with a replacement for the awful term noughties pretty darn quick, and let’s be clear on this: as bad as noughties is I will never say tennies, ever, because it’s that much worse again.
- A new year brings new opportunities to tap into the incredible precognitive power of star locations in the night sky and map out an accurate prediction of the year to come for exactly one twelfth of the population per paragraph.
The moon will be in retrograde for the entire length of 2010 which will lead to its eventual ejection from the Sol system. As a result of losing its main natural satellite the Earth will suffer from weaker tides and a long period of adjustment for nocturnal species who have evolved to measure passages of time and synchronise cycles of activity with the moon’s hitherto regular presence. All this is bad news for Aquarians who will be blamed for the general upheaval of life by windsurfers and bats with the two previously disparate groups coming together to slaughter everyone born under this particular star sign in late August.
Lucky Pantone Colour: 4725 U
As reported in March all horoscopes for Pisces will cease effectivity as of January 1st 2010 so you can expect a quiet year which will be the first one in over three decades to be tall, dark, handsome stranger-free.
Lucky Pharmaceutical Isolated From A Fungus: Cephalosporin
You’ll have a much better start to this year coming up than you ever could have imagined but it won’t be long-lasting and by the second week in January your liver and kidneys will have failed completely. Things will pick up by the end of the month only for one of your lungs to collapse around Valentine’s Day. You can look forward to a period of calm then that will last the best part of a week before you lose your legs to Surprise Gangrene. Ebola will claim an arm later that weekend before you can succumb to depression and the good news from the doctors that they can cure you and replace all your body parts will be missed from a build up of wax in your ears which is overlooked by the medical world but ends up suffocating your brain in its glorious new physcial form leaving you in a vegetative state. Jessica Simpson will marry all of you in December.
Lucky King Of The Ostrogoths: Theodoric The Great
Coca Cola Capricorn
Coca Cola have bought the rights to sponsor Capricorn for the 2010-2011 Horoscope Season. You’re going to be thirsty this year. Mmmm, what can possibly quench your thirst? How does the cool, refreshing sound of ice cold Coca Cola sound? Sounds good! You think about your body and the environment this year because you’re a Caring Coca Cola Capricorn so why not try Diet Coca Cola with Lime this Summer? 2010 is the year you’re going to look good and fight scurvy with crisp, cool Coca Cola.
Lucky Coca Cola-Based Beverage: Coca Cola
On June 14th you’ll wake up a few minutes earlier than usual convinced you heard a noise in the house. This will turn out to be nothing. In the kitchen you’ll smell something a little bit like how you imagine a citrus mouse at Christmas would smell although not quite. Despite some fervent sniffing around you won’t be able to trace the source of the odour and will eventually conclude it too is nothing. Outside the house you will just avoid being hit by a cyclist on a red bike. In the evening you will discover a light blue envelope you hadn’t noticed before. It will be hand-addressed to you but when you open it you will discover no contents. Suddenly panicked you’ll look up the phrase Invisible Anthrax on the web convinced you’ve heard about it but will conclude it came from a horoscope you read at the end of the last year. You’ll cut your gum cleaning your teeth before you go to bed and will dream something erotic featuring Danny Devito. The rest of the year isn’t quite so clear.
Lucky Facial Hair Style: Hulihee
Due to a once-in-a-century alignment of the planets and stars Neptune, the ruler of the seas and Sagittarians, will be rising and falling in Orion in 2010 sparking a great many conflicts in the heavens. As is often the case it will be difficult for those born under the sign of the man-horse to avoid being drawn into the battles and they will be drafted to fight the Orion hordes under emergency Neptunian powers. It will be a long and futile war and most of you will die horribly, digested slowly by the Orion Squid Princess. Those who survive will come back different inside; you’ll be pregnant with twins.
Lucky Member Of The Ant Hill Mob: Pockets
Your lack of belief in horoscopes will be so strong that it prevents all horoscopes from working globally on the second Wednesday in April. Sadly for you that’s the day it would have been a good day to buy a lottery ticket and you’ll end up not winning anything other than the smug satisfaction of seeing everyone else suffer equally.
Lucky Invented Word: Clamurple
After the ninth Twilight movie of 2010 is released where the gay vampires and their fag hags battle a species of half-ram-half-man people called the Arie-Fairies you will find yourself constantly attacked in the streets by emo teens and their lonely mums who have become unfathomably obsessed with the dire fiction. Fortunately, you’ve got most of the first four months of the year to prepare for that dour onslaught and with Venus prominent in Ursa Minor there’s exactly the same chance that you’ll use that time to train in martial arts as there is of Ursa Major stealing a pic-a-nic basket.
Lucky Web Rendering Engine: Trident 4.0
Success or failure in financial matters is governed by the height of Uranus above the trees as viewed from a block of flats outside Birmingham at quarter past three in the morning in July so 2010 will be the perfect time to sort out all those monetary issues that have been building up since you ran out of organs to sell and started to lose your looks. But take care and make sure you’re solvent by the end of the year as 2011 will be known as The Year Every Scorpio Got Electrocuted.
Lucky ISBN: 978-3-8228-4083-2
Cancerians are a notoriously huge people, some of them topping twelve hundred feet in height, but 2010 and climate change will start to cause global shrinkage for the stupendously-sized star sign and by mid-October you can all expect to pass as normal humans. Make the most of this special time because by mid-December you will be pocket-sized and the must-have gift for Christmas and a world looking for every opportunity to kick-start an economy devoid of the Summer-slaughtered, high-spending Aquarians. Many Cancerians will be lost behind the sofa by Boxing Day.
Lucky Celebrity Body Part: Jennifer Aniston’s Left Eyebrow
Jupiter in retrograde with Saturn ascendant spells great things for Taurus but this particular alignment of your governing planets will only apparently occur frrom the surface of Mercury so don’t delay and start planning for an extended excursion to the solar system’s innermost planet today. After a successful 2010 where everything goes your way a flare will erupt and boil you alive.
Lucky Moment In History: Eight Minutes Ago
You’ve been wondering if you need to reinvent your life and take the plunge in a whole new direction. With Pluto transiting the sun in February the world will be too busy wondering how that happened to pay you much attention so that’s the best time to set any plans you may have in motion. They won’t be any more likely to succeed – you’re pretty useless at everything you do to be brutally honest – but you’ll be able to cover up the ensuing debacle easier and pretend it never really happened.
Lucky Confusing Compass Direction: East By South North