1970s Euro Porn Style – Lehrmädchen-Report

Satellite TV came to the UK in the late 1980s and it wasn’t long before my parents ponied up the subscription fees and got a dish attached to the back of the house. And with that came a world of simultaneously truly awful and truly amazing programming from the far reaches of the Earth. But mainly mainland Europe.

Compared to what we’d had to contend with before – four entire channels of mostly far less than 24 hours of viewing per day each – this was an incredible experience. Now we could watch quiz shows from Italy where we didn’t understand the questions or answers but liked the fact that scantily-dressed women featured heavily. Or news programmes from Spain where we didn’t understand a thing anyone was saying but there was a gorgeous presenter. Or soaps from France that we couldn’t comprehend but which had a heavy mix of beautiful female characters. You may be spotting a trend here.

Of course, the main thing was staying up late enough so that the porn from the German or Italian channels would broadcast. Pornography on the television! What a world we lived in! I didn’t really realise it at the time but the adult films they showed were old, even then, dating from the 1970s and very much softer when compared to the sort of thing you can find online these days. Nudity and flaccidity and simulated sex acts were all you ever got but back then it was the best thing in the world.

For reasons of nostalgia and mild perversion I decided to see if any of the 1970s films I remembered watching in the late hours of the 1980s were available online, what with us living in this glorious digital age. And they were! Which is handy or this would have been a rather pointless introduction. I tried watching one or two and even allowing for the continued incomprehension as to the plot and dialogue they were, quite frankly, awful. Always the danger I suppose. Still, there was one element of these classic porn films that I did enjoy: the fashion! The clothes! The cars! The house decors! The hair! The shoes! That may be more than one element but I’m going to group them all together under the heading of style. 1970s style? Yeah, you know I love that.

This is potentially the first of a series of style showcases and mini reviews of 1970s European soft porn movies.

Lehrmädchen-Report (1972)

This is actually a movie I never saw on satellite television but the number of films featuring “report” at the end that I do remember seeing in my youth was quite high and this one caught my eye in the sidebar when I was browsing YouTube. The film – at least for now – can be found here.

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The first woman to be featured in the reports of Lehrmädchen (whatever the hell they are) is sporting a wonderful hairstyle. You know there’s been some serious time with heated rollers to get that look.

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Lovely colour coordination shown in the outfit here and I wouldn’t necessarily have thought that lilac would go with ginger hair but it doesn’t look too out of place. Of course it’s competing with the room against which it looks positively tame. How many wonders of the 1970s are present? That wallpaper! That cupboard! That thing on top of the cupboard which looks like a pressure cooker! Looking at this picture makes me think that we’re in a kitchen with the only slight oddity being that wall lamp. But it’s no kitchen at all, it’s…

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… a bathroom. And not just any bathroom. It’s one with some quite plain tiles but also featuring the quintessentially 1970s accent colour of orange in the bath surrounds. I particularly like that the bath is tiled too; not something I’ve seen before.

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Our first report subject apparently has the hots for her boss and arranges an accident so that she can get into a wood-panelled changing room with him. Neck-length hair, sideburns, moustache, brown suit: he’s the sort of boss everybody wants to work for. She, on the other hand, has come along in a short dress with a pattern that could only have come from this particular decade: stylised faces in green and yellow on brown.

The boss rebuffs the woman’s approaches and what then follows in the movie is a disturbing gang rape scene where she is the victim to three fellow workers. And you thought 1970s soft porn films were all fun, games, and happy sex. Disturbingly, not the case.

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After a brief meeting in an office – I’ve no idea what the two women there discussed – we find ourselves in a hairdressers with a difference. A naughty difference. A naughty sheer tops and no bras for the female staff difference. That explains why there are quite a few men there, and one of them is getting his head massaged. More importantly than the massage is the volume of hair on show. That’s 1970s level of hair.

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The redhead hairdresser washes several men’s hair and then gets into cars with them, clearly (well, relatively clearly) indicating she’s using her work as a means to a prostitution end. Her non-work clothes are only slightly less revealing. Brown, orange, and yellow are the colours en vogue – and they work well with her skin tone and hair to be fair – and the length of the skirt is decidedly mini. The cars are great examples of the cars of the time.

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One of her “clients” doesn’t take too kindly to her performing a “service” for an older man, bursts into her room, and slaps her around. It’s a laugh a minute in this Euro soft porn film but we don’t appear to have hit that particular minute just yet. Despite being violent our slappy man is a fine dresser. Not many people can pull off a light-coloured suit but his Jack Lord facial features help immensely. And now look at those curtains. Beauties, aren’t they?

We next move to a female construction worker who is the subject of inappropriate groping, a prank leading to spilling a wheelbarrow of concrete, and her long sausage for lunch (well, it is Germany I suppose) getting replaced with a dildo. Nice to see beer being drunk at lunchtime on construction sites in Germany in the 1970s by the way. Our construction worker is tough and kicks, pushes, and throws things in retaliation. Based on the film’s progress so far I had high hopes that nothing too untoward would happen to her. I’m lying, of course.

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And this is where the female construction worker lives, with her parents I’m guessing. I love the wall rug and the furniture here and you’ll notice the clothes are, again, knee-high boots and patterned mini skirt. For all I know it’s a uniform for women in softcore porn during this decade. Those Germans do like uniformity.

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Another view of the inside of the parents’ home showing off a lovely fireplace. More eye candy comes from the staircase with its treads but no risers and that series of vertical slats next to it. I’m sure there’s a proper name for one of those but I’m buggered if I can think what it is. What I do know, though, is that every single one of them was destroyed in 1980. Maybe I don’t know that.

Amazingly, the female construction worker wins the respect of her colleagues in this tale and all she has to do is put with some more bullying, some groping, and then having sex with her foreman in a portacabin after visiting a joke shop to pick up some crazy knock-out drink and some sneezing powder that also attracts rats. I’m not making any of that up.

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Onto the next story in Lehrmädchen-Report and this one starts off in a printers where they’re currently printing – what else? – pornography. As you can probably guess there’s a girl wearing hues of brown, a miniskirt, and boots and by now I’ve come to suspect Lehrmädchen is German for “girls who wear hues of brown, miniskirts, and boots” because it would be just like the Germans to have a word for that. If you look at the picture you’ll see that it’s lunchtime and yet again it’s sausages and beer for lunch. Under a unified Europe that will be the mandatory lunch that political (jokes of) parties like UKIP are fighting against.

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Another parental units’ domicile interior and another glorious example from the seventies. The tiny table by the window, framed by the large tiles on the wall and the garish curtains could only be from Europe in the 1970s. Or a former Soviet country into the late 1990s. Mother looks wonderful in her explosion-of-blue outfit and father is enjoying one or six beers as he sinks into a chair after treating his daughter roughly. Did I mention the laugh a minute? Okay then. Yeah, still not reached that minute.

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I won’t pretend to have fully understood the stories so far but this one is especially meandering for a non-native speaker. Suffice it to say that the girl from the printers is shown at school, riding with a gang of bikers, taking part in some woodland sex with a biker, watching as one biker beats up another biker, getting lectured at the printers, then reconvening at a hut in the middle of nowhere with a biker to engage in sexy shenanigans before being interrupted by the police. So let’s take a look at the police uniforms. Leather, peaked hats, guns on hips. If I was looking for an adjective to describe this particular style I would use the adjective… German.

There then follows a story with nothing noteworthy fashion- or scenery-wise to report although the story itself can be understood. Maybe there’s a correlation. Anyway, at a flight school there is some sort of celebration taking place between new pilots including a cocky one and a nervous, picked-upon one. There’s also a woman in a miniskirt but, well, duh! The cocky pilot takes the woman up for a flight, shows off and then crashes in such a way as to kill himself and remove her blouse (happens more often than you imagine.) To get over this trauma the woman then goes for a fly with the nervous, picked-upon pilot because, as the old saying goes, “when you’ve just had a crash with a fatality in a light aircraft get right back in another light aircraft with a nervous pilot.” This plane also crashes though it’s because it runs out of fuel rather than through stupid aerobatics. What’s a girl to do when she’s involved in a second plane crash? Have sex, apparently.

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And… the next story starts in a medical waiting room of some description with lots of naked girls waiting in line for some examination and a few others sitting around. Thankfully, the seated women are wearing some lovely outfits. Take your pick from stripey trousers, patterned blouses, or long coats over miniskirts. They’re all great but that coat wins for me with the great deep blue and red colours.

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Is there anything stylish about a German department store in a 1970s softcore porn film? From looking at this picture I think we can see that there is not.

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However, in that store we do briefly meet a woman wearing a white suit with striped scarf and sporting a hairstyle known as the Seventies Helmet. Not at the time, obviously, because people didn’t realise they were in the seventies during the seventies. That’s the sort of knowledge that only comes from time. And that’s the sort of haircut that only comes from that time.

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After the main girl meets up with her strangely feminine-looking boyfriend and turns down his approach for sex she returns to the department store and pops in to see Miss Seventies Helmet who is now dressed, well, as you can see. Now this is a fantastic look. Black blouse under grey-brown cardigan with a tie. This isn’t your typical 1970s fashion but this is something I could easily see making a comeback now. This whole look shouts style and sopistication. And perhaps lesbianism. Let’s wait and see.

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We don’t have to wait long. Young girl gets caught shoplifting and is blackmailed into a little woman-on-woman action in the home of Miss Seventies Helmet. Reasonably elegant pyjamas, brandy glasses the size of your head, and enough candles that mean you’ll be needing to paint that ceiling before too long add to the 70s ambience briefly before naughtiness takes over.

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It seems that all it takes for a girl to give in to the sexual demands of her feminine-looking boyfriend is a little coerced sex with a woman. Who knew? Anyway, this leads on to the final short tale which starts off in a school engineering class where a male teacher is pushing himself up against the female students helping them. Women in engineering? Next they’ll be in construction. Oh wait. The thrusting teacher is stopped when a woman enters the classroom and this allows us to see something I honestly never thought would be in this movie: a 1970s German test card pattern on a TV. I bet you didn’t either.

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One of the students suffers further sexual harrassment from the teacher and enacts a small bit of revenge by burning him with a soldering iron. Not long afterwards she enters his office wearing patterned hot pants (you didn’t see that coming) but spare a moment from that design to cast an eye over that wall unit too with its minimalist construction.

From here the student leads the teacher on, embarrasses him in front of other students, persuades him to come along with everyone to a nudist camp, watches as everyone gives the teacher the bumps, gets chased by the teacher, gets caught by the teacher, and then laughs as the teacher runs off following a lecture from two nude men. Why? Because it’s a German 1970s porn film, that’s why.

This film was not what I was expecting. Obviously, when I watched films like this originally it was just for the soft sexual content which was far more titillating then than anything you could otherwise normally watch. Except Blue Peter. This time around I was interested in seeing it as a glimpse into the place and the period and what I saw surprised me. There were some strong elements to this with a lot of emphasis on bad behaviour from men in particular. I was reminded of re-watching Lemon Popsicle after many years and discovering that surrounding the occasional flashes of boob there was quite a strong story. Admittedly, I couldn’t understand most of it but it was there.

Never did get to that laugh a minute minute.

Author: Mark

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